Emotions are unavoidable. Big emotions that feel explosive are also unavoidable. Everyone will get to that point where they feel so sad, mad, exhausted, or annoyed that they feel like they’re breaking apart. The result could be an outburst: yelling, running away, hitting something, breaking down, or withdrawing deep into yourself are just some of the maladaptive behaviors that big emotions can bring.
The other option, though, is self-regulation. When we get to that point where the emotions feel too big for our bodies, we can use emotional regulation skills to process the emotion safely, while staying aligned to our values.
Emotional regulation skills are powerful tools. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) uses them often in helping people who are struggling with highly destructive thoughts and emotions, like anger issues, suicidal or self-harm thoughts, deep depression, and panic attacks.
Here are 10 Emotional Regulation Skills as taught by DBT.
10 Emotional Regulation Skills
-(1).jpg)
Opposite Action
Whenever we experience a strong, uncomfortable emotion, we usually have an urge to act similarly. For example, when we’re sad, we might have the urge to lock ourselves in our room. When we're anxious, we might have the urge to run away. When we’re angry, we might have the right to yell. While these are understandable reactions, they aren’t always appropriate or healthy.
Opposite Action teaches us to do the opposite of what our emotional urge is saying. So if we have the urge to self-isolate, we reach out to friends. If we have the urge to punch something, we walk away. If we have the urge to run away, we take a moment of stillness and breathe through the feeling.
Make a list of what your maladaptive or destructive emotional urges are and what the opposite of them would be.
PLEASE
PLEASE is an acronym, it stands for:
- PL: Treat Physical Illness
- E: Eat Healthy
- A: Avoid mood-altering drugs
- S: Sleep Well
- E: Exercise
This is a general guiding principle behind DBT. Your mind can’t function without your body’s help, so keeping your body healthy will help keep your mind healthy, too. For example, many people experience being “hangry”, or hungry and angry. Being hungry leads to more pronounced feelings of anger, and satisfying the hunger often satisfies the anger. Take the time to care for your body today.
Check the Facts
Many of our reactions to events are more about our thoughts and perceptions rather than the event itself. For example, you get mad at your partner because they’re not home from work when they said they would be. When they get home, you yell at them about how disrespectful they are to your time. Later, they tell you that they texted you to let you know that they would be home late because they were picking up dinner.
The emotional explosion could have been avoided if you had taken a moment to stop, breathe, and check the facts. What is actually happening? Do you have all the information? If not, how can you get the information so you’re well-informed?
Pay Attention to Positive Facts
If one person gives you a compliment and another a critique, you’ll likely only remember the critique. But this isn’t an accurate perception of your experience. That compliment is not negated by the critique. This emotional regulation skill teaches you to remember positive things, whether they were accomplishments, compliments, or a good time. Try writing down these positive experiences, and revisit them whenever you feel compelled to focus on a negative critique.
Take a Break
Possibly the most powerful emotional regulation skill is simply walking away. When you feel your emotions rising to that triggering level, take a break. Tell the person you’re talking to that you need a minute and will continue the conversation later. Walk away from the project or problem you were working on. Let time calm your emotions down, reassess, and then tackle the issue with a calm mind and renewed focus.
Action Before Motivation
This emotional regulation skill is used for depression, procrastination, and other “freeze” behaviors. “Action before motivation” teaches that sometimes we have to act in order for motivation to follow. If you’re feeling depressed and like all you want to do is lay in bed, do the opposite. Take one small step, like sitting up or moving to the couch. Then, notice what motivation you have. Are you motivated to get ready for the day, call a friend, or eat some food? If so, do it. You might be surprised with how much motivation you have after each subsequent step.
Positive Self Talk
Positive self talk is a self-explanatory emotional regulation skill. So many of us have chronic negative, critical self talk. We think about how lazy, dumb, or unlikeable we are. We criticize our every action. Instead, work on thinking positive thoughts. It might feel forced at first, but that's okay. Simply stating a positive affirmation in your head for every negative thought you catch yourself thinking will start building the habit until it is unconscious.
Name the Emotion
It’s easy to act without even thinking. Take a moment to name what you are feeling. Are you angry, scared, betrayed, or maybe a little of all three? Why? What were the triggers?
Being specific about what you’re feeling will help you communicate, and the act of mindfulness will give you some breathing room.
Mindful Breathing
Mindfulness is a very powerful emotional regulation skill. A common mindfulness technique is breathing. For example, breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds. Hold your breath for 4 seconds, and then breathe out for another 4 seconds. Hold your breath for 4 seconds before repeating the process. This is called box breathing and is known for calming your nervous system and regulating emotions.
Coping Ahead
Sometimes, the best coping mechanism is preparation. If you know you have something hard and possibly triggering coming up, prepare for it by eating well, sleeping plenty, and exercising before. Then, go prepared with a list of coping skills and an exit strategy should you need it. By thinking of these strategies ahead of time, you’ll feel safe and not have to think on your feet when your emotions are rising.
Talk to a Therapist
If you struggle with emotions that feel too big to handle, therapy can help. A therapist can help you learn the emotional regulation skills talked about here and plenty of others. Coping skills to deal with distressing emotions and getting to the root of the issue are also things that a therapist can help you with.
Contact our team or browse our list of therapists near you to find a therapist who meets your needs.
