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We all have moments of being down on ourselves. When we make a mistake or don’t live up to our expectations, there might be a moment of self-criticism. Self-loathing is self-criticism taken to the extreme.
People who loathe themselves have extended periods of time where they truly hate themselves. They can’t see themselves doing anything positive, they’re convinced they’re going to fail, and they can’t find any redeeming qualities in themselves.
Self-loathing is a slippery slope to other, more destructive habits. It is also a common sign of mental illness. So if you’re feeling full of self-hate today, take a breath. There’s probably a reason you’re feeling this way, and there is a way out. This article will outline the signs of self-loathing, the causes of it, and how to stop self-loathing for good.
What is Self-Loathing?
Self-loathing is a strong feeling of self-hate. It’s the feeling of being disgusted with yourself or appalled by your actions and way of being.
Self-loathing can sound like:
- “I hate myself.”
- “Of course I failed, I knew I would.”
- “I’m unlovable.”
- “There’s no helping me, I’m a screwup.”
- “Why can’t I just be normal?”
- “There’s no point in trying; I know I’ll fail.”
- “I’m worthless. There’s no point to my existence.”
- “I’m just an inconvenience to others. No one actually wants to hang out with me.”
When left alone, self-loathing can spiral into self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and other maladaptive behaviors. If you experience self-loathing in any form, contact a mental health professional. It is likely there is a deeper mental health issue that needs to be addressed.
Signs of Self-Loathing
Self-loathing can look like negative self-talk in our thoughts, but it can also look like self-destructive behaviors or immense feelings of hatred.
Some signs of self-loathing include:
- Persistent self-criticism or harsh inner dialogue
- Believing you are fundamentally “bad,” unworthy, or broken
- Discounting compliments or success (“I don’t deserve this”)
- Comparing yourself to others in ways that always put you down
- Rumination over past mistakes with little self-forgiveness
- Chronic shame, guilt, or embarrassment about who you are
- Feeling undeserving of happiness, love, or rest
- Feeling disgusted by yourself
- Self-sabotaging relationships
- Neglecting basic needs (sleep, food, health, enjoyment)
- Seeking punishment rather than care when you make mistakes
- Difficulty accepting care, affection, or support
- Assuming others will reject you if they know the “real” you
These are just some signs. Some people with self-loathing will hyperfixate on one aspect of themselves or their lives. For example, they may focus on how they look and feel disgusted by a certain body part, sometimes causing body dysmorphia. Or they may use productivity as their only source of worth. Others may actively seek out anger or punishment from others as a way to ease the hatred they feel for themselves.
What Is Self Loathing a Symptom Of?
Self-loathing is not normal. It is a destructive mechanism usually hiding a deeper mental illness. Self-loathing could be a sign of:
- Trauma: Trauma, especially childhood trauma or relationship abuse, can cause self-loathing. Emotional abuse often wears a person down through insults and belittling. Over time, you might start to believe the negative words of your abuser. Self-loathing arises as a result. (Take our PTSD assessment here to screen yourself for other signs of trauma.)
- Depression: The low self-esteem, social withdrawal, and anhedonia of depression can cause self-loathing, especially in more chronic or severe forms of depression.
- Anxiety: Anxiety disorders can wear a person down. Over time, the lies that you’re not good enough and you will always fail will turn into self-loathing, a vicious cycle of believing you’ll fail and then feeling vindicated in your failure.
- Personality Disorders: Some Personality Disorders often have self-loathing as a symptom. Borderline Personality Disorder is known for quickly cycling from high self-esteem to self-loathing.
It can also stem from personality traits or cognitive distortions such as:
- Low self-esteem
- Excessive people pleasing
- Social comparison
- Guilt or shame from a past mistake
Wherever your self-loathing comes from, know that it does not have to be your new normal. You don’t have to live with a voice constantly criticizing everything you do. Therapy can help silence the inner critic and help you have a more balanced, realistic understanding of yourself.
How to Stop Self-Loathing
Self-loathing can be a hard habit to break. Some people find comfort in the self-directed negativity. For others, it’s all they’ve known, and accepting positive self-talk feels wrong or strange.
Feeling constantly disappointed in yourself means you’ll never let yourself down, because you never truly believed in yourself in the first place. In this way, self-loathing can feel like a shield from rejection and failure.
However, there are healthier ways to deal with possible rejection, and self-loathing is not a sustainable state of being.
Here are some ways you can stop self-loathing:
- Name your inner critic: Start by simply noticing when you have negative self-talk. Label the thought as self-loathing. Do not give it any real weight in your decision-making process or how you feel about yourself.
- Start listing your strengths: You can start small, maybe by just listing one thing you did yesterday that you’re proud of. It could be as simple as holding the door open for your coworker or responding to a text from a friend.
- List your values: How do you want to be living? What values do you want to be governed by? Write them down. Then, make a list of how you can accomplish these values in your day-to-day. Instead of living by the negative voice in your head, try living by your values instead.
- Challenge negative thoughts as they come up: Once you get used to identifying negative thoughts, start trying to challenge them. If you find yourself thinking, “I might as well not try because I’m going to fail.” Try thinking back, “I don’t know if I’m going to fail. I could succeed. I have the skills I need to do my best.”
- Start accepting compliments: If someone gives you praise, accept it. Don’t try to reject it or make excuses like “I got lucky” or “It wasn’t a big deal.” Say thank you, catalog it as a success, and move on.
- Forgive yourself for mistakes: Everyone will make mistakes throughout their day. A healthy mindset is one that doesn’t dwell on mistakes but moves on from them. For example, if you wake up and scroll in bed for an hour, try practicing forgiving yourself and moving on with your day instead of criticizing yourself for the rest of the day.
Finally, talk to a therapist if self-loathing continues. Reversing negative thoughts can be a challenging exercise, especially if you’re used to the constant stream of self-hatred.
Good self-esteem is key to greater life stratification, a longer life, and better mental and physical wellness. Take the first step by contacting a therapist near you today.
