May 15, 2025
Over 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men in the U.S. have experienced sexual assault, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. Additionally, almost half of all women and men in the U.S. have experienced psychological aggression (emotional and verbal abuse) by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
Abuse happens within intimate relationships far too often. Many abusive relationships follow a type of cycle that can ensnare the victim and keep them in its hold for much longer. This makes it incredibly hard to leave abusive relationships, even if you know the relationship is unhealthy.
Not every relationship that features abuse will follow this cycle, and it’s not uncommon for phases to jump around and be experienced out of order. These 4 stages of the cycle of abuse are meant to help you understand the signs of an abusive relationship, so you can get out of one safely.
If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
What is the cycle of abuse?
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In abusive relationships, the cycle of abuse often follows a predictable pattern, creating a cycle that can feel impossible to break. The cycle often follows the abuser’s need for control. It builds as the abuser feels more out of control with their life, culminating in an abusive incident. Following that incident the abuser may try to atone for their actions and make amends. However, as they feel out of control again they may resort back to abusive tactics.
Understanding this cycle is the first step in breaking free from its grasp. Seeking support from a therapist can provide the tools and guidance needed to move towards a life free from abuse and filled with hope.
What are the four stages of the cycle of abuse?
The four stages of the cycle of abuse are tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm. These were first explored by psychologist Lenore E. Walker in 1979. They are not meant to explain every abusive relationship, and are instead a helpful guideline when talking about abuse in relationships.
Let’s explore the four stages of abuse.
Tension
The tension phase will feature an increase in intensity and frequency of abusive behaviors. Many abusive relationships don’t start out as abusive. Love bombing is a common manipulation tactic that abusers use to ensnare their victim. The relationship may start out perfect and full of love. The tension phase is when abusers will start manipulating, coercing, and abusing. This will escalate until you feel like you’re “walking on eggshells” around them. It can start to feel like you don’t know your partner at all, but the reminder of who they were and what the relationship was keeps you in the relationship.
During the tension phase, an abusive partner may exhibit signs such as:
- Emotional outbursts
- Impatience
- Irritability
- Anger and a short temper
- Snide remarks aimed at belittling you
- Passive aggression
- Lent treatment
- Silent treatment
- Jealousy
- Breaching of privacy
Oftentimes, the tension phase is triggered by an external stressor. Your partner could be feeling the pressure of financial or work stress. They also may have been triggered by something, like the anniversary of a traumatic event or talking to someone who had harmed them.
(The cycle of abuse often continues with people outside the original abusive relationship. “Hurt people hurt people,” the old saying goes. Although your partner’s abusive actions may be rooted in trauma and they are modelling behavior shown to them, that doesn’t make it okay. There is never an excuse for abuse.)
Abuse could still be happening in the tension phase, especially emotionally manipulative techniques such as gaslighting or guilt-tripping.
Incident
The “Incident” is the phase in which the abuser’s actions reach a boiling point and tip over. This is often a distinct action or set of actions that is overtly abusive.
An abusive incident will look different in every relationship. There are many different kinds of abuse. Remember that even if domestic violence or physical abuse is not occurring, you could still be a victim of abuse.
Abusive incidents include actions like:
- Intimidation and threats
- Breaking things, punching holes in the wall
- Verbal abuse such as name calling
- Physical violence (slapping, hitting, hair pulling, etc.)
- Sexual violence
- Humiliation
- Financial abuse
This is a short list of possible abusive incidents. No one person’s experience with abuse will be the same. If you think you are being abused, reach out to someone you trust or a therapist. Ask to create a safety plan.
Reconciliation
The reconciliation phase of abuse is a release of tension. The Incident allowed the abuser to vent their frustration and now they may feel an ebb of tension. As a result, they may try to reconcile or apologize for their behavior. They may seem genuinely ashamed of their behavior. It’s common for abusers to make promises at this stage that “It’ll never happen again” or “I’ll change for you. I’ll be better.”
Does an abuser feel shame for their actions? It’s possible. But abuse occurs in a cycle. Abusers can feel ashamed for their actions, but if they don’t seek help and stop their behavior, then their apologies are just a step in the cycle, not a step in the right direction.
For the abused, this can be a confusing time. You likely still feel love towards them and want to accept their apology, but also can’t shake the fear that the Incident instilled.
Calm
During the calm stage, an abuser will shift from apologetic to dismissive. They may say things like:
- “I already apologized. Why can’t you get over this?”
- “It never would have happened if not for. . . “
- “Stop being so dramatic. It wasn’t that bad.”
- “Oh, are we still on this? What more do you want from me? I’m trying my best.”
The excuses pile up until you start to question your reality: Was the incident that bad? Maybe it is better to just let it go. Maybe you are being dramatic.
This is a result of gaslighting. The truth is that the abuse happened. It was bad. You are not being dramatic.
The calm stage is a way to lure you back into the relationship. It might be punctuated with love bombing. After a while, you might start to feel the tension rise again, a sign that another incident is on its way.
How to End the Cycle of Abuse
Breaking the cycle of abuse and leaving an abusive relationship takes tremendous strength and courage. It also takes resources that you might not have access to at the moment. Some people can’t leave abusive relationships out of fear for the safety of their kids or pets.
There’s no shame in being unable to leave an abusive relationship. Abusers make it as hard as they can for you to leave by limiting your connection to people who would support you, making you rely on them financially and emotionally, and guilting or gaslighting you into staying.
Take your time, and make sure you are prioritizing your safety. When you are ready, confide in someone outside your relationship. This could be a trusted friend or family member, a hotline, a therapist, or anyone else you trust. It can help to talk to a therapist. A trained therapist can help you create a safety plan and escape plan, as well as help you heal after you are out.
Not all abusive relationships are the same. Not all will be obvious. Know the signs of abuse and trust your gut. It is possible to break the cycle.
