Jun 20, 2024.webp)
Manipulation is behavior aimed at controlling or undermining someone. In a relationship, manipulation can be used to gain something: control, money, power, social status, or enjoyment, just to name a few examples.
Relationship manipulation can exist in all forms of relationships: parental, child-parent, sibling, friend, coworker, employer, and romantic. Manipulation exists on a spectrum. Even in small amounts, manipulation is harmful. It’s exhausting and stressful keeping up with lies, and not being authentic can lead to decreased life and relationship satisfaction. On the victim's side, you might feel things are “off” or like you don’t even know them. In large amounts, manipulation can be emotionally abusive, toxic, and dangerous to both members' mental and physical health.
This article will go over the types of manipulation to look out for, how to tell if you’re being manipulated, and what to do when you’ve identified manipulation in your relationship.
12 Types of Manipulation to Look Out For
Manipulation is a play for control. People who manipulate may want something else in addition to control, but they will attain their goals through control—usually emotionally but sometimes physical and social controlling tactics can be used as well.
Types of manipulations include:
Playing the victim
Playing the victim involves portraying oneself as the innocent party in a situation. This tactic is used to gain sympathy, avoid responsibility, or manipulate others into feeling sorry for them. Playing the victim can be a subconscious manipulation where the person may not know they are using manipulative tactics. It may stem from avoiding vulnerability or from past traumas. Just because it might be a subconscious manipulation does not mean that it is right.
Example: “I had such a hard day at work and then you drop this accusation on me? After everything I’ve done for you?”
Isolation
Isolation is a form of manipulation where one person cuts off or controls another person's contact with friends, family, or support systems to increase their control over the victim. This tactic can be a form of relationship manipulation. A person might isolate their partner from seeing friends and family in order to be in control of the relationship.
Example: Discourages you from seeing your friends or claims they don’t like/trust your friends.
Love-bombing
Love-bombing is an intense and overwhelming display of affection, attention, or flattery used to manipulate someone into feeling emotionally dependent or indebted to the manipulator. Love-bombing can be a form of relationship manipulation. One person can try to gain more power and control in the relationships through using the excess emotional expression to manipulate their partner.
Example: Extra attention, gifts, and verbal praise at the beginning of your relationship.
Coercive control
Coercive control is when a person uses a pattern of controlling behaviors, manipulation, and intimidation to dominate and exert power over their partner. This can be a form of a relationship manipulation.
Example: Taking control of your money and schedule.
Passive aggression
Passive aggression is a behavior where someone expresses hostility or anger indirectly through underhanded actions or comments instead of openly addressing their concerns. This is a form of subtle manipulation in where indirect methods are used to gain control over another person. While subtle manipulations can be harder to notice than more overt forms of manipulations, the bad actions can be just as harmful.
Example: You ask them to do something and they comply but only while whining, complaining, or doing it wrong.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is when someone manipulates another person into questioning their reality, memory, or perception. This can involve denying things that have happened, making the victim feel like they are going crazy or imagining things.Since gaslighting uses deceit and manipulation to make someone question their realtiy, it is a form of mind manipulation.
Example: “I never said that. You must be forgetting, I would never do that.”
Projection
Projection occurs when someone attributes their own thoughts, feelings, or characteristics onto another person. It is a defense mechanism used to avoid dealing with one's own undesirable traits.It is a form of subconscious manipulation in which a person may not realize they are manipulating another person, even as they attribute their thoughts or actions to you.
Example: You caught them lying and when you bring it up they accuse you of lying.
Silent treatment
The silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation where a person withdraws communication or ignores another as a way to control or punish them, causing feelings of confusion, hurt, and isolation. The silent treatment is sometimes used to manipulate someone else to feel guilty for their perceived “bad actions”. The act of withdrawing from a relationship as a punishment can have a negative psychological effect.
Example: You don’t do what they want one night so they ignore you for the next three days.
Smear campaign
A smear campaign involves spreading false or damaging information about someone to tarnish their reputation, isolate them from others, or maintain control over them through deceit and manipulation. This can be a form of relationship manipulation.Sometimes when a relationship ends and one partner spreads untrue information about their former significant other in order to turn others against them and gain favor.
Example: It could be overt—going behind your back to talk badly about you to your friends—or covert—jokingly saying things like “She’s just so dumb sometimes” or “Oh I wouldn’t trust him with that!” aiming to put you down and discredit you.
Lying
Lying is a deliberate attempt to deceive or manipulate others by presenting false information as the truth, often used to manipulate people's perceptions, decisions, or behaviors for personal gain.This can be a form of mind manipulation since it presents false truths and can mess with a person's sense of reality.
Example: They routinely come home from work late and when you confront them about it they say they just have to work late.
Changing expectations
Changing expectations is where one person manipulates another by altering the rules, boundaries, or standards in a relationship to create confusion, undermine the other person's confidence, or maintain control.
Example: “If you just do this one thing for me, I’ll move in with you.” and then once you do that thing, they’ll say something else similar. “One more time, and then I’ll move in with you.”
Triangulations
Triangulation is a manipulation tactic where one person involves a third party in a conflict or relationship to create division, gain an advantage, or control the dynamic between the other individuals involved.
Example: “I can see you’re upset and not thinking clearly, so I called your friend so she can help us sort this out.” Now you’re having to talk to them through your friend, which changes the dynamic, especially if the friend is more loyal (or also being manipulated by) the manipulator.
What is the most common manipulation?
There is no one determined most common manipulation, but something most manipulators will do is use mind manipulations such as gaslighting. They want to make you feel unsure of yourself and your reality, because you’re easier to manipulate that way. Although not every manipulator will use mind gaslighting, similar forms of mind manipulation like lying, shaming, and belittling are also common. The goal is to make you lose trust in yourself, so you have no choice but to cling to them.
How can you tell if someone is manipulating you?
If you recognize any of the above tactics, you might be the victim of manipulation. Before you jump to conclusions though, it’s important to sit down and have a conversation with them. People may rely on manipulation when they are feeling scared, ashamed, or defeated. It doesn’t make their behavior or bad actions okay, but people often manipulate because they’re in emotional pain. When a person’s manipulation is not a repeated offense and they are willing to work through the underlying need that is causing them to manipulate, then healing is possible.
Don’t broach the topic of manipulation if you feel unsafe physically, emotionally, or mentally. Call someone you trust or see a therapist. If you are in imminent harm, call 911.
Signs you’re being manipulated include:
- They seem to bounce between flooding you with love and putting you down.
- They’re uncaring about your boundaries.
- They often put time pressure on you to act quickly.
- Their words and actions don’t match up.
- You’ve caught them lying multiple times.
- You feel uncomfortable, guilty, shameful, or generally “off” when you’re around them.
- You feel like you’re going “crazy”.
It can be hard to know if you’re being manipulated. Sometimes, the people around you can see the truth more clearly. If you have a loved one point out manipulative behavior to you: listen to them. Manipulation, especially subtle manipulations, can be hard to spot because of how close you are to the relationship, so an outside perspective can be crucial. However, you won’t always be able to rely on outside opinions. If your loved ones have also been manipulated or you have been blocked from being able to see them, you may have to rely on your own judgment. Trust your gut and always act to keep yourself safe.
You can also reach out to an individual or relationship counselor to identify and address any potential experiences of manipulations.
What are the 5 stages of manipulation?
There are no set stages of manipulation. You can still be manipulated if your abuser doesn’t follow this exact path. However, most manipulators do act in patterns of behavior. One common pattern is:
- Targeting: A manipulator will choose someone to make their next victim. They will also begin collecting information that they can later use against you.
- Gaining Trust: An abusive manipulator is rarely so right away. In the beginning, you might feel like you’ve found the best relationship ever. This is a lie set up for you to fall for them and trust them completely. They may also try to entangle your lives together during this stage, insisting that you become exclusive, move in, put distance between your support system, or become financially dependent on each other.
- Exploiting: At this stage, manipulation will be fully escalated. People manipulate for many reasons, but it is always based on needing control to exploit you for something. This could be financial gain, emotional stability or reassurance, protection from their ego, or avoidance in feeling their emotions. Whatever they want from you, they will manipulate you to get it.
- Love Bombing: After a while, you might start to feel disillusioned. The relationship you loved is gone, and you don’t want anything to do with the twisted reality you found yourself in. Just as you’re getting ready to leave, a manipulator may start to love-bomb you. This is when they shower you with praises, gifts, attention, love, and apologies. They may even promise that they will get better and never do that again. This too, however, is most likely a lie.
- Repeat: The cycle will repeat, with the manipulator regaining your trust, exploiting you, and then love bombing to make up for it. It is an exhausting cycle that can make you feel trapped and helpless.
Getting out of an abusive, manipulative relationship is possible. Talk to a therapist near you about how to build a safety plan and escape plan.
Why do people manipulate others?
It can be heartbreaking to realize the person you love, or thought you loved, is manipulating you. Why? You might ask. Why would they do something so awful?
Manipulation is, at its core, a way to protect the self. If they can stay in control, then they don’t have to feel any hurt. It is also a sign of mental illness.
A few reasons why people manipulate others include:
- Low self-esteem: Putting others down makes them feel good.
- Need for control: In order to feel safe, some people have to be in complete control.
- Personal gain: Some people manipulate others for external causes like power, money, and fame.
- Avoidance: Manipulation can be used to avoid confronting their own pain and issues.
- Mental health disorders: Substance Use Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial personality disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder are correlated with higher levels of manipulation.
Whatever their reason for manipulating, it’s important to remember that it is not your job to fix them. Love can be a powerful motivator for positive change, but love alone cannot heal mental health issues or stop someone from being manipulated. So if you love someone who is manipulating you, ask yourself: Are they serious about changing? Are they willing to put in the work to heal their inner wounds and stop manipulating? Am I at risk for emotional, physical, or mental harm?
If you think you might be at risk for emotional or physical abuse, put distance between yourself and the person manipulating you. If you’ve confronted them about their behavior and they seem honest in their desire to change, make sure you have strict boundaries in place and hold them accountable.
What should you do when you are being manipulated?
If you think you’re being manipulated, you might be overwhelmed. What do you do now? Here are some steps you can follow:
- Know the signs: Keep track of their behavior and notice what is manipulative.
- Be aware of your emotions: Emotional manipulation is one of the most common form of manipulation, but despite all of the manipulative tactics people may use, your emotions are still your own. Practice being aware of what your emotions are and when they change (and if it is in response to a manipulative tactic or not).
- Stay calm: Don’t escalate the situation by yelling, throwing things, or using hostility; the manipulator may rise to your level and the situation can quickly escalate. Instead, get yourself somewhere safe. If a confrontation is warranted, do it in a public space.
- Make strong boundaries: If you are unable to fully remove yourself from a manipulator’s life, or you’ve made the decision to stay in a relationship with them, then it’s important to have strong, healthy boundaries. They may try to cross these boundaries, but don’t let them.
- Maintain an external support system: Keep in contact with friends and family you can trust. How much you tell them is up to you, but think carefully about what you want to tell them.
- Know when to walk away: Sometimes, love isn’t enough. If they claim they want to get better but make no changes to actually get better, then it may be time to leave.
- Get therapy: Being the victim of manipulation can be traumatizing. If you have flashbacks, distressing memories, intense emotional reactions, or are otherwise impaired by your experience, therapy can help you heal and recover.
People manipulate others for all kinds of reasons. If you have been a victim of manipulation, try to remember that it is not a reflection of you or your character. Recognizing the signs of manipulation is the first step towards breaking free from a manipulative relationship and towards healing and growth.
For more information on how therapy can help you recover from a manipulative relationship, give Lifebulb Therapy a call. We have a qualified team of therapists near you who can help.
