May 20, 2025
Breakups can be messy, difficult, and heartwrenching. At times, all you want to do is go back to them and the easy way things were. . . even if how things were was not healthy for either of you.
One way to deal with a breakup and find healing after heartbreak is to implement a “no contact” rule. The no contact rule is a simple tool that can feel impossible to implement. However, with the right mindset, planning, and support system, going no contact with your ex can start you down the path of healing and recovery.
This article will walk you through the steps of successfully pulling off no contact with your ex, and how to utilize the personal freedom and power you get from this exercise to accelerate your healing.
What Is the “No Contact” Rule?
The “no contact” rule entails cutting off all communication with your ex. This means blocking their number and social media and not seeing each other in person. At its core, the no contact rule is about boundaries, and every person’s boundaries will be different.
For example, someone who is financially dependent or who shares children with their ex may not be able to go no contact in the same way as someone independent of their ex. The goal of no contact is to separate yourself from your ex enough that you can start healing from the pain of the breakup.
Does No Contact With an Ex Really Work?
It’s hard to move on from a relationship when you see your ex everywhere. The constant reminders of what was and what could have been are painful and can retrigger the trauma of the breakup. In the case of an abusive or toxic relationship, continuing to see your ex can be outright harmful.
But no matter how healthy your relationship was or how mutual the breakup, one truth is universal: Breakups hurt. For many people, they will continue to hurt until they put in the active energy needed to heal. A no contact rule can help with that.
Benefits of utilizing the no contact rule include:
- Time and space to heal from heartbreak.
- Automatic removal of reminders of your ex.
- Space to learn who you are on your own.
- Time to find your independence.
- Time to think about what you truly want.
The no contact rule isn’t for everyone and it isn’t the only way to heal from a breakup. If you think the no contact rule could benefit you, read on to learn 5 steps to succeeding at it.
5 Steps to Go No Contact With Your Ex
Here are 5 steps to get you started with no-contact. Adjust it to meet your needs and timeline.
- Understand your intention. What do you hope to get out of this no-contact experience? What are your goals?
- Set your boundaries: What, realistically, can you expect of your ex and yourself? If you have shared finances, children, or responsibilities, you may want to do a paired-down version of the no-contact, in which you are only permitted contact under certain circumstances. During this stage, come up with a strict time-limit. 1-2 months of no-contact is a good time to start with.
- Communicate the plan. In order for no-contact to work, it must be respected by both people. Be clear about your intentions and boundaries. Ask if they have any of their own boundaries.
- Create a contingency plan: It can be hard to maintain no-contact. Having a contingency plan in case you start to feel yourself wobble in your resolve is important. Loop in some of your friends as a support system.
- Use the time to heal: Healing will look different for everyone, but it’s important to put all of that effort you were pouring into your relationship back into yourself. This could look like exploring abandoned hobbies, going to therapy, practicing journaling or positive self-talk, or simply pushing yourself to enjoy your own company again.
How Do I Stop Myself From Breaking No Contact With My Ex?
Falling into temptation and talking to your ex again is understandable. Nearly everyone who goes no contact has experienced this pull towards reopening a conversation. Here are some tips that help you resist:
- Fall back onto your contingency plan.
- Call a friend.
- Go out and do something fun with others.
- Distract yourself with a favorite hobby or engaging piece of media.
- Write yourself a letter about why you should not break contact.
- Visualize who you will be when this no-contact period is over.
It’s okay if you break no-contact. Healing is a journey with many ups and downs. Try to avoid all-or-nothing thinking, a cognitive distortion in which you think, for example, that since you broke no-contact you might as well get back together with them. A small step back is just that: a small step back. It doesn’t have to be a full tumble.
Give yourself grace and compassion today. This will be hard, but you are strong.
What Is No Contact Not?
As helpful of a tool as no contact is, there are a lot of misconceptions about what the no contact rule is.
No contact is not:
- A way to get your ex back: If you are only utilizing no contact to try to get your ex jealous or make them miss you so that they come running back, you might bring disastrous consequences. A healthy relationship must be built on healthy communication. Is it possible to get back together with your ex after going no contact? Sure. But that’s not why people go no contact. The no contact rule is about you and finding your independence after being in a relationship.
- Manipulation: Some people will use the no contact rule as manipulation, yes. But at its core, the no contact rule is about boundaries, not manipulation. If someone holds contact with them over your head as a way to get you to do things, then that is manipulation. However, if someone needs their space after a breakup for them to heal and not be reminded of the relationship they once had with you, then that is a boundary, and should be respected. It can be hard to know when you are being manipulated. Trust your gut, lean on your support system, and make sure you’re staying safe.
- Time to find a new partner. This is not a period in which you can find a new partner to make your ex jealous or to show off when the no-contact period ends. No contact is a time to focus on yourself and your healing.
Healing from an ex is difficult, painful, and exhausting. Heartbreak hurts, and a no-contact rule won’t take away that hurt. But just like how a cut can’t heal properly with a splinter still inside it, no-contact removes the barriers to your healing.
If you need help navigating a no-contact rule or healing from breakup, Lifebulb can help. Our therapists are available today.
