Jun 17, 2025
According to esteemed relationship scientists Julie and John Gottman—a husband and wife duo who pioneered the Gottman Method for marriage therapy—there are four things that poison relationships and bring divorces faster than anything else: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.
These are the “four horsemen of relationships” because they predict divorce. Of these four, the Gottmans claim that none is stronger than contempt. Contempt is an emotion that can poison relationships and cause them to crumble even if no exterior cracks are showing.
What is contempt? And how can you protect your relationship from it? Let’s find out.
What Is Contempt in a Relationship?
When you get into a relationship with someone, it’s usually because you like them. You respect them, admire them, and generally approve of them. Contempt is the opposite of that. When you have contempt for someone, you don’t respect, admire, or approve of them. Instead, you might feel angry, disappointed, let down, and frustrated with them. You have little to no regard for them.
You can imagine why having lots of contempt is dangerous for your relationship.
Contempt is more than just a passing annoyance or disagreement. All relationships have conflict. There’s nothing wrong with that. Contempt is not a passing feeling. It is deeply rooted and pervasive. In severe cases, it may border on hate.
What Are the Behaviors Associated with Contempt?
Despite being a powerful emotion, you might not always be able to tell that you have contempt in your relationship. You don’t wake up one day full of resentment and disrespect towards someone you used to love and cherish. Contempt grows slowly. It may start with annoyance, dive deeper into resentment or anger, before solidifying into a contempt that is hard (but not impossible) to remove.
If you recognize the behaviors in your relationship, it’s important to address the issue.
- Criticism: Another one of the four horsemen, criticism is when you constantly find fault in your partner, attacking their character, or belittling their thoughts and actions. This often manifests as verbal
- Sarcasm and Mockery: Using sarcasm, eye-rolling, or mocking tones when interacting with your partner.
- Lack of Respect: Dismissing your partner's opinions, feelings, or needs, and showing a lack of regard for their perspective. This could be as simple as not asking them for their opinion.
- Name-Calling: Resorting to name-calling, insults, or demeaning language during disagreements or conflicts.
- Nonverbal Cues: Displaying negative body language, such as sneering, smirking, or crossing arms, that communicates disrespect and disdain.
- Dismissing Emotions: Invalidating or minimizing your partner's emotions, leading them to feel unheard and devalued.
- Stonewalling: Shutting down communication, withdrawing emotionally, or giving the silent treatment as a way to distance oneself and avoid conflict resolution. One of the four horsemen, stonewalling is not always a conscious decision but a result of overwhelming emotions. Overtime, contempt can cause tensions to rise uncomfortably high.
- Defensiveness: Another of the four horsemen. This is when you shift blame onto your partner, refusing to take responsibility for your actions, and deflecting criticism rather than engaging in constructive dialogue.
These are only some of the behaviors associated with contempt. It will appear different in every relationship. The best way to decide if you have contempt in your relationship is to ask yourself how you feel about your relationship. When you see your partner, what emotions come up? When you talk about them to your friends and family, what do you have to say about them?
Can a Relationship Survive Contempt?
Yes. Although it is difficult, a relationship can survive contempt. Of all the four horsemen, contempt is likely the most difficult to overcome and heal from. Love to contempt is a slow descent, but contempt back to love is a long, hard climb. Still, it’s important to remember that there is hope. If you are both willing to fight for this relationship, it is possible to come back from contempt.
How to Survive Contempt in a Relationship
The first step to surviving contempt and building a healthy, thriving, loving relationship is to stop the hurt. This means putting an end to destructive behaviors, both big and small, and beginning to implement small, healthy behaviors. These behaviors may not solve the contempt issue, but they will prevent further harm from being done.
Healthy behaviors to practice include:
- Good communication skills: Start practicing healthy communication skills. Ask questions, state your mind clearly and without anger, and talk through issues.
- Active listening: Listening is just as (probably more) important than talking well. Listening does the opposite of contempt: It shows your partner that you care.
- Empathy: Empathy is a hard skill to practice, but do your best to go through the motions even if you don’t feel all too giving with your partner just yet. Consider their side of things, where they’re coming from, and what they might be feeling.
- Appreciation: Voice your appreciation for the small things. If they made you an extra coffee in the morning, or made sure to pick up your favorite food at the grocery store—express your appreciation. Gratitude is a powerful tool.
- Find common ground: What were the things that drew you together in the first place? Are there any activities you enjoy doing together? If there are, try engaging in these shared hobbies together.
After you stop doing behaviors that are actively harming your relationship, you can start working on the root issues. Contempt is often caused by a deeply held mistrust, hurt, or resentment from previous behavior. This on top of feeling misunderstood, disrespected, and unloved, are a recipe for contempt. Feeling unloved in a relationship is a lonely and challenging experience, and can eventually breed contempt.
It can be helpful to work with a couples and marriage therapist during this next phase, in which you will tackle the root cause of the contempt and work through old hurts. During this stage, a couples therapist will help you:
- Creating a Safe Space: A couples therapist fosters a safe and non-judgmental environment where both partners can express their feelings and concerns openly.
- Identifying Underlying Issues: Through therapy sessions, the therapist helps uncover the root causes of contempt and address deeper issues contributing to relational discord.
- Encouraging Empathy: Therapists promote empathy and understanding between partners, helping them see situations from each other's perspectives.
- Building Respect and Validation: Couples therapists work on building mutual respect and validating each other's emotions, fostering a more positive and supportive dynamic.
- Addressing Negative Patterns: Therapists help couples recognize and change negative behavioral patterns that contribute to contempt, replacing them with healthier ways of relating.
- Developing Conflict Resolution Strategies: Therapists equip couples with tools to resolve conflicts constructively and find solutions that benefit the relationship.
- Cultivating Relationship Strengths: Couples therapy focuses on highlighting and nurturing the strengths of the relationship, promoting connection and intimacy.
- Encouraging Individual Growth: Therapists support individual growth within the relationship, helping partners work on personal development that can positively impact the partnership.
- Promoting Commitment and Accountability: Therapists guide couples in fostering commitment to the relationship and holding each other accountable for maintaining a healthy, respectful dynamic.
If you are ready to work with a couples therapist, contact Lifebulb. We have couples therapists who are available to work with you this week. We accept most major insurance plans and have little to no wait list.
Ready to shed contempt and find love in your relationship again? Contact our team.
