Mar 7, 2025
Arguments are unavoidable. Every relationship will have them, and arguing does not mean your relationship is broken. In fact, being able to work through the occasional argument is a sign of relationship health, compatibility, and mutual effort toward relationship longevity.
When is arguing a problem? When the arguments repeat themselves or when one argument cascades into another without times of peace and understanding in between, there might be a deeper issue. Usually, when this type of argumentative pattern occurs, it is because the relationships lack conflict resolution.
Conflict resolution is our ability to manage and solve conflicts in a team setting. In a relationship, this is vital, but it’s also an incredibly important skill for any social interaction, from your work to home life.
What Is Conflict?
A conflict is more than just an argument. Conflict is a deeply rooted issue that is about the incompatibility of belief systems or lifestyles. For example, the argument may be a disagreement about where to eat, but the conflict at the heart of that argument is about how you communicate (or don’t communicate) your needs.
Take the below example:
Partner A: “Where do you want to go out to eat tonight?”
Partner B: “I don’t know, you choose.”
Partner A: “I always choose, and then you get mad at me for choosing wrong! You choose tonight.”
Partner B: “You don’t have to yell! I really don’t care.”
Partner A: “Really? Just like how you didn’t care what I got you for your birthday?”
Parter B: “Fine. Let’s get pizza.”
Partner A: “We had pizza last time.”
Partner B: “You told me to choose!”
The argument may have been about what to eat, but the conflict was about their lack of communication, specifically about their wants and needs.
Miscommunication or having different communication styles is a very common reason for conflicts. Often, conflicts will be repetitive and possibly explosive. It can feel like you’re getting nowhere, even if you resolve the arguments as they come up.
This is where good conflict resolution skills come in.
How to Resolve Conflict
“Conflict resolution is so incredibly crucial and important to implement,” says Lauren Zavodnick, an LPC at Lifebulb with a decade of experience. “As it can help us to work together towards resolving problems rather than dividing us.”
When it comes to resolving conflict, Lauren Zavodnick says “Some strategies that can be useful and helpful in conflict resolution are being able to define the conflict, utilizing empathy, active listening skills, working collaboratively, and compromising.” Let’s take a look at how to implement these strategies.
1. Stress Relief and Emotional Coping
Conflict can easily trigger our fight-or-flight trauma response. When our brains identify a threat (whether real or perceived), they respond by doing anything to get out of that dangerous situation, even things that aren’t conducive to solving the conflict. This might mean yelling, stonewalling, shutting down, or walking away. The first step of conflict resolution is to manage your own emotions. If you are in a heightened emotional state, ask your partner to have some space before taking the conflict resolution any further. (Make sure you actually come back to finish the conversation though!) Coping mechanisms could be going for a walk, listening to your favorite music, talking to a friend, meditating, or taking a cold shower. Once you’re in control of your emotions instead of them in control of you, reassess your position and take the following steps to solve the conflict.
2. Define the Conflict
In the above scenario, the couple was arguing about where to eat, but that wasn’t what the conflict was really about. The conflict was about both partner's difficulty in communicating their expectations, and then getting frustrated when those expectations weren’t being met. This is likely not done out of any malicious intent, but rather a simple miscommunication or difference in communication styles.
“Defining the conflict allows both parties to agree on what the actual conflict is,” says Zavodnick. It is all too common to be arguing about different things, wasting your breath and your energy.
To get to the root of the issue and define your conflict, take these steps:
- Understand what you are really frustrated about. Use “I statements” to communicate to your partner. For example, “I don’t understand what you expect from me, and it can be really demoralizing.”
- Find the patterns. When was the last time you felt like this? What triggered those emotions? Are there any similarities within your arguments?
- Find common ground. After discussing this, compare your experience to that of your partners. Are they frustrated for the same reason? Or is it something different?
When utilizing conflict resolution skills, it’s important to solve one issue at a time. Make a list if you have to, and spend some time working through each one with love and care.
3. Utilizing Empathy
When it comes to using empathy, Jennifer says “Utilizing empathy helps us to understand and express compassion which can help lead to more successful outcomes.” Empathy is the cornerstone of conflict resolution, without it you will not be able to find your way to a solution. Because conflicts are so often about opposing beliefs or value systems, empathy is crucial in finding common ground and ultimately a solution.
Using empathy might look like:
- Taking time to truly listen.
- Asking for clarification if you don’t understand something.
- Taking a break if you start to respond with anger or frustration.
- Engaging in after-care, like cuddling, saying something you love about one another, or doing something fun and low-stress together.
Always end a conflict resolution session with love. Learn each other’s love languages for a more potent aftercare session.
4. Active Listening Skills
Jennifer says that “Active listening skills help us to hear and show that we are understanding the other person's perspective.” As you discuss the conflict and how to solve it, use these active listening skills:
- Avoid interrupting
- Ask clarifying questions
- Make good eye contact
- Practice good nonverbal communication skills
- Listen to understand, not to respond
- Summarize your understanding before giving your opinion
- Don’t multitask by checking your phone (called phubbing), working on a project, or cleaning
These active listening skills will not only help your partner feel understood, they’ll help you understand the issue at hand more clearly, offering quicker solutions to your conflict.
5. Work Collaboratively
Jennifer suggests making sure each person can be a part of the solution. Working collaboratively means not dominating the conversation but asking your partner for their input and considering all options. Remember that when trying for conflict resolution, neither one of you is “right”. You’re both trying to find a new solution to an issue.
6. Compromising
There are some things that are difficult to compromise on: having kids, moving across the country, or major financial decisions, for example. However, there are also things that are really easy to compromise on: where to eat, how to spend your time, or how you communicate with each other. Jennifer suggests compromising on these less significant problems.
For the more significant issues, when compromise isn’t an option, find a way each of you can live out your beliefs and values.
Why Can’t We Stop Arguing?
Some conflict is normal and healthy even. When two or more people live true to themselves, their ideas or beliefs may clash. Working through these conflicts is a sign of a healthy, balanced relationship.
But what if you can’t seem to stop arguing? When one conflict closes just for another to open, it can feel like you’re never at peace. A common misconception of modern relationships is that arguing keeps the spark alive. Some people thrive on conflict and need it to feel those heightened emotions of love and connection. This, however, is not a sustainable way of loving or conducive to long-term relational health.
If you are in a relationship where you can’t stop arguing, therapy can help. Lifebulb has married and couples counselors who can meet with you both online or in-person. Couples therapy is proven to be effective at increasing happiness and longevity within couples.
Contact our support team to be matched with an online therapist near you, or browse our list of online therapists to find someone who fits your needs.
