Feb 5, 2025
In 1992, Dr. Gary Chapman wrote his book about the five love languages. Since then, the concept behind his theory has deeply influenced pop psychology, counseling, and relationships. You’re unlikely to go through a first date without hearing the question “So, what’s your love language?"
Although most researchers agree that love is more complex than these 5 categories, therapists also agree that the five love languages are a great tool of communication amongst couples, especially those who don’t feel loved in a relationship, are going through hardships, or who have difficulty communicating and meeting each other’s needs.
This article will describe the five love languages and give practical advice on how to give your partner’s love language.
This is the second article in our new “Healthy Relationships” Series. Read the first article, “58 Questions to Ask Someone on a First Date” here. Stay tuned for more content on how you can build a healthy, thriving relationship.
What Are the Five Love Languages?
The five love languages are:
- Quality time: Spending intentional, physical time together
- Words of affirmation: Affection given through written and spoken praise
- Physical touch: Cuddling, hand holding, kisses, hugs, and anything that involves physically being near one another.
- Acts of service: Thoughtful actions in service of your partner, like doing the dishes, giving them a massage, or planning a trip.
- Gift giving: Showing affection through the giving of gifts, both big and small.
Importantly, people both give and receive love in different ways. For example, someone may give love through quality time—they strive to spend intentional time with those they love—but receive love best through physical touch—they feel the most cared for when they are being held. Because not everyone will have the same receiving and giving style, miscommunication can arise. For example, it’s not uncommon for one partner to notice how often their partner does kind things for them and attempts to surprise them with kind actions in turn, even if that is not their partner’s primary love language.
Finding out your love language is simple. Think back to when you’ve felt the most loved. What preceded this feeling? What are the things your partner does or says that make you feel the most cared for? What are things they do or say that don't have much of an impact? Make a list of these instances.
How to Show Love In a Way Your Partner Will Appreciate
Communication is a vital part of any relationship. Communicating how you best feel loved should always be a conversation you have. If you haven’t yet, now is a good time to start! Understanding how your partner best feels love will help avoid misunderstandings and feelings of resentment in the future.
Here are some examples of how different love languages prefer to feel loved.
Quality Time
Someone with a love language of quality time means they want to spend intentional time with you. This doesn’t have to mean a big event every time, in fact, some people with quality time as their love language may prefer the smaller things like engaging in hobbies together, going to the store together, and just hanging out.
You can show your partner love through quality time by:
- Asking them how their day was
- Making good eye contact and using active listening when you talk
- Doing chores and errands together
- Partaking in hobbies together, in the same room
- Planning weekly dates to take them on
- Having meaningful conversations
- Including them in your day, even in the small things
- Making time to spend with just them even when you’re busy
Words of Affirmation
People with a love language of words of affirmation need to be told how much they are loved and appreciated. You can show love through words of affirmation by:
- Saying “I love you” out loud
- Specific compliments about their achievements or appearance
- Encouraging text messages throughout the day
- “I’m thinking of you” text messages throughout the day
- Love notes
- Praising them when they accomplish a goal
- Expressing gratitude when they do something for you
- Telling them how you feel
Physical Touch
A physical touch love language doesn’t have to be sexual. In fact, it might not be to some people. Examples of how you can show love through physical touch include:
- Sitting close to one another
- Holding their hand
- Cuddling
- Little kisses throughout the day
- Hugging
- Casual intimacy such as stroking their cheek, brushing their hair, or giving them a massage
Acts of Service
can show love with this style by:
- Doing chores without being asked, like the dishes, laundry, or taking the trash out
- Volunteering to do something off their to do list (like grocery shopping) when they’re busy
- Making their favorite meal or bringing them breakfast in bed
- Planning activities like dates
- Taking care of children or other duties so they have some down time
- Helping them with their hobbies or passions
- Making them their favorite meal
Gift Giving
Gift giving does not have to be expensive jewelry or electronics. People with the love language of gift giving are not selfish or needy, but rather feel affirmed and cared for when they receive tangible signs of love. You can show someone love through gift giving by:
- Surprising them with their favorite treat at the end of a long day
- Bringing them flowers, handpicked or bought
- Bringing them lunch at work
- Making something sentimental
- Personalized gifts with an inside joke
- Heartfelt cards and notes
Making Time to Show Love
At the end of the day, love languages all have one thing in common: effort. Making an effort to go out of your way to show love to your partner is instrumental in a long-lasting, healthy, and happy relationship.
If you have a different love language than your partner, sometimes it can feel like your efforts to show love are all in vain. This is a normal experience and just means you should communicate with your partner about how you like to receive love.
If you’re struggling with not feeling loved in a relationship, falling out of love, or communication issues, couples therapy can help. Couples therapy is for any relationship, whether you’re married or not. It has been proven effective at helping partners work through their issues and build a healthier, happier relationship. Lifebulb has online therapists throughout the U.S. Contact our team to be matched with a couples therapist near you, or browse our list of online therapists to find someone that fits your needs.
