Jul 11, 2025
Boundaries are the lines we draw to determine whether a behavior is acceptable or not. Some boundaries are generally accepted across society and could have legal consequences if you cross them, like sexual relationships with your boss or wearing clothes in public. Most boundaries, however, are personal and can change from person to person and relationship to relationship. For example, most relationships would consider kissing someone else cheating. But that’s not a boundary that you should just assume is there. If your relationship is open, or you’re in the dreaded grey area of a situationship, the boundary might not be clear.
The seriousness of a boundary should also be discussed. For some people, kissing someone else warrants a discussion but isn’t a big deal. For others, it’s outright infidelity and is cause for an immediate breakup. Neither stance is wrong. Boundaries can be whatever you need them to be to stay safe and comfortable physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially.
The personal nature of boundaries is exactly why clear communication about boundaries is so important. Someone can’t cross a boundary without knowing it was there, so communicate your boundaries respectfully and clearly.
Want to learn how to set good boundaries? Read our guide on setting healthy boundaries here.
But what if you’ve done all that. . . and your boundaries are still being crossed? It can be frustrating, exhausting, and sometimes downright scary to have your boundaries crossed. It also means a confrontation is warranted. Here are some tips on how to navigate a conversation about crossed boundaries.
Is Crossing Boundaries Disrespectful?
Yes. Crossing someone’s boundaries is always disrespectful, even if you don’t agree with them. For example, if someone tells you, “Reading my texts is invading my privacy, so please don’t do it.” you have three options:
- Agree and uphold the boundary.
- Disagree and find a compromise.
- Disagree and end the relationship.
Whatever boundary you both agree on should be respected until the boundary is verbally changed or explicit permission is given. For example, if you agree to their boundary of privacy but still think that partners should have full access to each other’s phones, and you read your partner’s text without consulting them first, that’s disrespecting them. If you have a problem with a boundary that is established, bring it up at the time it is established or have a conversation about it later. Don’t just cross the boundary.
How to Respond When Someone Crosses a Boundary
Let’s say you’ve had all the right communication up to this point. You established your boundary. They either agreed or asked if you could compromise. You both arrived on a mutually agreed upon boundary. For example: “We can dance with other people at the club, but we can’t kiss.” Or, “I can ask to see your phone, but I can’t take it.” Maybe a few weeks go by and everything is good, but then they cross that boundary. What do you do? Here are some steps you can take:
Have a Conversation as Soon as Possible.
If you can, have a conversation as soon as the boundary is crossed. Not only will this help you keep stronger boundaries, it’ll give the person who crossed the boundary a chance to rectify the mistake. Not all boundaries are crossed with malicious intent. Sometimes we honestly forget or are experiencing unique situations that should be discussed. This does not make crossing boundaries okay, but having a conversation soon after a boundary is crossed allows space for healthy conversation.
Remind Them of the Boundary.
This is when you can see if it was an honest mistake or if they purposefully disrespected the boundary (and you). If they apologize and make amends, it’s up to you: Can you forgive them? Or will you need to instate some consequences or cut off the relationship altogether? Remember that not all boundaries are weighted the same. A smaller boundary may be more easily forgiven than a larger one. Finally, when you forgive a boundary, it doesn’t make what they did okay but it does mean you will let go of any resentment you have over it. (Forgiving someone for crossing a boundary once also doesn’t mean that you’ll forgive them a second time.)
Talk About Consequences.
Consequences is a heavy word, and depending on the boundary crossed it might indeed be heavy. Crossing a fidelity and trust boundary could have major consequences, like breaking up. Other consequences could include cutting them out from a certain aspect of your life. For example, if you always pay for the bill when you go out to eat and you’ve set the boundary that you’re done doing that, but they still refuse to pay you back, you might set the consequence of not going out to eat with them anymore. If someone can’t respect the boundary of taking their shoes off when they come into your home, you might say they’re no longer invited to your house. Decide what consequence you will give, and stick to it.
Don’t Give In.
“It’s not a big deal.” or “Can’t you forgive me this one time?” are common responses when getting caught crossing a boundary. If you are confronted with this type of behavior, be persistent. It is a big deal, and only you can decide if you will forgive them for it or not.
Remain Calm.
Practice good emotional regulation skills to remain calm and collected during this conversation. Try to avoid yelling, accusing, or blaming. Instead, focus on the facts: you set a boundary, and it was crossed. You could start the conversation like “I understand you want to hang out with me on my lunch break, but we’ve talked about how important it is that I keep my breaks to myself. Will you give me some space?” By avoiding yelling or accusing them of being a bad friend or blaming them for ruining your lunch break, you remain calm and rational. This will set the stage for a productive and healthy conversation.
Surround Yourself With Support.
If you’re nervous about the conversation, it’s okay to bring in backup. This could look like having the conversation in a public space or bringing a trusted friend along with you. This is especially important if you think you might be unsafe.
Having conversations after a boundary is crossed can be tricky and scary. Remember to always prioritize your safety. If you think the person who crossed your boundary could blow up at you and put you at risk, have the conversation in a public space.
If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Can therapy help me with boundary setting?
Yes! Setting good, strong boundaries is a skill that we can build in therapy. Things like emotional regulation, conflict resolution, and good self-esteem are all elements that go into strong boundary setting and things that a good therapist can help you with.
If you’re ready to stand up for yourself, contact Lifebulb’s support team. We can find a therapist near you, or you can browse our list of therapists to find one that fits your needs.
