What is Disorganized Attachment Style? Causes and How to Cope

What is Disorganized Attachment in Relationships?

An attachment style a pattern of how humans relate to others in close relationships. There are the four attachment styles including disorganized attachment styles in relationships and fearful avoidant attachment styles. These attachment styles are formed during childhood. They depend on how attentive caregivers are to the child's needs and how much love and affection the child is given.

Having a disorganized attachment style in a relationship—also sometimes called Fearful Avoidant Attachment or Disorganized Fearful Avoidant Attachment style—is rare because it is formed from abuse and neglect. People with disorganized attachment styles in relationships crave love and stability but will lash out or withdraw from the people who give them that. This creates a cycle that convinces the person that they may be unlovable. 

If you feel as though you may have disorganized attachment in a relationships, it is important to know you are lovable. You are deserving of love and safety, and there are people who want to give it to you. It might just take healing from a disorganized attachment style in a relationship to see that clearly. 

What are the Symptoms of an Disorganized Attachment Style?

Symptoms of a disorganized attachment style include:

• Fear of relationships
• A need for closeness and intimacy
• Changing between anxiously clinging to relationships and avoiding them. 
• Anxiety over never being loved or being abandoned
• Self-critical thought or believing you are undeserving of love
• Finding it difficult, and even painful, to open up to others
• Being untrusting of partners when they say they love you
• Being hyper-alert to signs of betrayal or having trust issues

In general, people with a disorganized attachment style in a relationship will crave safe, loving partnerships. They may, however, pull away or self-sabotage themselves in a close relationship. 

These symptoms are not a complete list. People with disorganized attachment style can exhibit a wide range of symptoms depending on their individual past and the current relationship they find themselves in. Many symptoms of disorganized attachment style may be similar to complex PTSD (c-PTSD).

How do you know if you may have an attachment disorder??

It can sometimes be difficult to identify if you may have an attachment disorder. In adults, disorganized attachment style may look like:

• Shutting down when trying to be vulnerable. 
• Disappearing for days at a time, but then coming back and acting clingy. 
• Feeling anxious when a partner has to leave them. 
• Feeling jealous. 
• Feeling overwhelmed by the smaller things in a relationship.
• Avoiding bigger issues in a relationship.

These are just a few examples of what disorganized attachment style can look like in an adult relationship. 

How to deal with a disorganized attachment partner?

Do you have a partner who is sometimes anxiously clinging to you and other times cold and distant? They might have a disorganized attachment style. You can tell your partner has disorganized attachment style because they may:

• Exhibit erratic behavior, showing extreme swings between emotional closeness and detachment.
• Struggle with intimacy, finding it difficult to fully trust or rely on others in the relationship.
• Have a history of inconsistent or neglectful parental relationships, leading to difficulties in forming secure attachments.
• Display fear or discomfort when it comes to expressing their needs and emotions, often resorting to coping mechanisms like avoidance or aggression.
• Have challenges regulating their emotions, resulting in frequent mood shifts or outbursts in response to relationship stressors.

This is not a complete list. Remember that disorganized attachment shares similarities with c-PTSD as both have roots in neglect or abusive childhoods. It is never your job to “fix” anyone. Although love and support can help someone with a disorganized attachment style get better and form a secure attachment style, they must be willing to do the work themselves as well. You can encourage them and help them to find a therapist who can help them but that choice has to be theirs. The most important thing when dealing with a disorganized attachment partner is to be aware of their triggers and responses within a relationship and make sure you are caring for your mental health as well.

How does Disorganized Attachment Style Affect Relationships?

An disorganized attachment style in relationships does not mean the partners cannot have a safe and loving relationship. However, it is important for the partners to be aware of their attachment styles and any corresponding trauma to begin healing from it. 

When left untreated, a disorganized attachment style can make forming healthy, long-term relationships more difficult. It can result in unstable relationships that are “on again and off again”, situationships, or toxic relationships. Disorganized attachment styles in relationships may also result in more frequent conflict. People with a disorganized attachment style may not have much success in long-term relationships because of the impactful symptoms of disorganized attachment. They may find themselves in an abusive relationship that mirrors the love they got as children.

What Triggers Disorganized Attachment Style in a Relationships?

Attachment styles are formed during childhood and adolescence. The styles are affected by how attentive a parent was to a child’s emotional and physical needs. Children with parents who were attentive but not coddling grew up to have a secure attachment style. In comparison, children who do receive enough attention may develop a disorganized fearful avoidant attachment style or dismissive fearful avoidant attachment styles.

Disorganized attachment style is caused by a parenting style that routinely creates fearful or insecure environments. This can be through expressing anger, ignoring, or withdrawing when a child expresses a need, or using manipulation tactics to get what they (the parent) wants. Often, but not always, this also looks like abuse or neglect.

How to Heal from a Disorganized Attachment Style in a Relationship?

Attachment styles usually continue from childhood into adulthood, but it is possible to heal from a disorganized attachment style in a relationship if you address it. Through therapy, medication, and healthy coping mechanisms, you learn if you have an attachment disorder and begin to heal from it.

How can therapy help heal disorganized attachment styles?

Therapy can be helpful in helping individuals heal from disorganized attachment styles. Therapists can provide a safe and supportive environment for exploring past traumas, understanding current challenges, and developing healthy coping mechanisms and relational patterns.

Through therapy, individuals can:

1. Explore Past Traumas: Therapy allows individuals to delve into their past experiences, including childhood attachment wounds, to gain insight into how these traumatic experiences have shaped their attachment style and relationship patterns.
2. Developing Self-Regulation: Therapists can help individuals with disorganized attachment learn effective self-regulation strategies to manage overwhelming emotions and navigate triggering situations more effectively.
3. Building Secure Attachments: Therapy offers a space for individuals to work on building secure attachments with their therapist, which can serve as a corrective emotional experience and a model for healthy relationships.
4. Healing Trust Issues: Through therapy, individuals can address trust issues stemming from past attachment traumas, learn to trust the therapeutic relationship, and gradually transfer these skills to their personal relationships.
5. Improving Communication: Therapists can help individuals develop better communication skills, set boundaries, and express their needs and emotions effectively in relationships.

By working with a therapist experienced in attachment-focused therapy, individuals with disorganized attachment styles can embark on a journey of healing, self-discovery, and transformation that can lead to more secure, fulfilling relationships.Find a therapist near you today. 

How can medication help with a disorganized attachment style?

Medication is not the typical route to healing disorganized attachment style, and medication alone will not result in full healing. However, medication can be very helpful in addressing mental health disorders that may be caused by or contribute to disorganized attachment symptoms. This can include substance use, anxiety, depression, and trauma. 

Medication will address the symptoms of these mental health issues, but not the root cause. Getting relief from these symptoms can provide the mental and emotional space you need to find true healing. Many people have found medication very helpful in their work towards healing. 

If you think medication could be helpful for you, reach out to a psychiatrist near you.

Healthy coping mechanisms

Coping mechanisms can be used  with both therapy and medication. A therapist will likely encourage you to find healthy coping mechanisms that work for you. A coping mechanism is simply a behavior that reduces distressing thoughts, emotions, and memories. They enable you to handle difficult situations with clarity and stability. It’s a good idea to have a collection of coping mechanisms that you can use for different situations. For example, deep breathing exercises may work great for anxiety, but moving your body is better for snapping yourself out of negative thinking patterns. 

Coping mechanisms which may help with a disorganized attachment style include:

• Journaling: Attachment styles start deep in your childhood, and exploring that trauma is a good first step to understanding (and eventually healing from) your attachment style. Start journaling about your childhood and how you think it affects you now. Look for patterns and themes that stand out.
• Building a support system: This may be hard if you have a disorganized attachment style, but it can be helpful to find a few people (or even just one!) who you think you can trust. Tell them about your attachment style and how you want to change. Ask them to hold you accountable to changing your behavior and negative thinking patterns.
• Repeat positive affirmations to drown out negative thoughts: A hallmark of disorganized attachment style is the repetition of negative, self-deprecating thoughts (called cognitive distortions). You may think you are unloveable, a mess, or too difficult to ever understand. You may think you deserve all these bad things or should just give up. How we behave starts with how we think, so kicking these negative thoughts out in favor of positive self-thinking is a good first step in overcoming disorganized attachment style.
• Make a list of your strengths and gratitudes: Every day, write down three things you did well and three things you are grateful for. These could be big things: you got a job or you helped a friend out with a tricky situation. Or, they could be seemingly small things: You complimented someone on their outfit and they smiled, you sent a funny video to a friend that they laughed at. Notice how the little things other people do make you feel good, and how often you do those little things for others.
• Perform acts of kindness for yourself and others: What do you need right now? Take a moment to sit and listen to your body. Are you thirsty, hungry, tired, drained? Do you need a good conversation or to sit in a creative space for a while? Do you need to laugh at a comforting TV show or do you need to try something new Whatever it is, do it. Show yourself kindness today, and then pass that kindness on to someone else.

This is not a complete list. We encourage you to find what works for you! Try to find a few coping mechanisms that make you feel good and a few coping mechanisms that help you deal with anxiety, depression, and difficult relationships. 

Therapy can help you find good coping mechanisms and get to the root cause of your disorganized attachment style. Through therapy you can start to heal and form fulfilling, loving relationships with others. Lifebulb has over a hundred therapists that can help you online or in-person. Give our team a call to learn more, or browse our list of therapists near you. Your path to healing starts today. 

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