Sep 5, 2024
Relationships are hard work, there’s no doubt about it. For some people, however, dating can be made even harder with an anxious attachment style.
The four attachment styles, pioneered by Mary Ainsworth in the “Strange Situation” study, include secure, avoidant, disorganized, and anxious attachment styles. These four attachment styles are developed during infancy and young childhood, depending on the level, quality, and consistency of a child’s parental love, affection, and responsiveness.
Although attachment styles can make dating more difficult and have been linked to other mental health disorders, healing from past trauma and developing a secure attachment style is possible.
This blog article will cover the anxious attachment style, what causes it, how it affects relationships, and how you can heal from it.
What is an anxious attachment style?
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Have you ever sent a text and immediately became anxious? What if they didn’t like it? What if they were busy and you were annoying them? Then, 10 minutes go by without a response. Oh no, you might think, They hate me. They want to break up.
This type of overthinking a relationship is a hallmark of an anxious attachment style. Compared to other attachment styles, anxious attachment showcases a strong desire for closeness and intimacy paired with high levels of anxiety (hence the name) surrounding the relationship.
Examples of anxious attachment style include:
- Difficulty trusting others
- Fear of emotional closeness (while simultaneously wanting it)
- Difficulty with boundaries
- Need for constant reassurance
- Tendency to be clingy, obsessive, or jealous
- Separation anxiety
- Heightened sensitivity to rejection
Essentially, an anxious attachment style is wanting to be close to someone, but never truly believing they will stay. You expect to be left, you just don’t know when. As a coping mechanism, your brain tries to predict when the abandonment will happen. Thought patterns warp around the worst-case scenario. For example: They were texting someone else while hanging out with you—they must be bored. They haven’t laughed at your jokes—they must be angry at you. They’re running a few minutes behind—they can’t stand you.
With anxious attachment style, these negative thought patterns usually result in the person leaning dangerously into the relationship, growing codependent, clingy, or obsessive. This can turn the relationship unhealthy, prompting their partner to leave, and fulfilling the untrue, negative belief they have about themselves. The cycle continues.
How does anxious attachment style affect relationships?
Anxious attachment style can produce unhealthy relationship dynamics. It’s important to note that having an anxious attachment style does not mean you are a bad, toxic, or unlovable person. Remember, an attachment style is a result of your environment when you were very young. With awareness and self-reflection, you can change to a secure attachment style.
An anxious attachment style can affect relationships in these key ways:
- Wanting to be around your partner all the time.
- Jealousy, which can manifest in looking at their phone, confronting them about not spending all their time with you, or harnessing resentment.
- Clingy behavior, resulting in being anxious when you’re not around them.
- People-pleasing to ensure people like you (even if you don’t really like them).
- Deeply desiring a romantic connection but feeling incapable of getting one.
- Hyperfixation and rumination about small comments or beliefs about yourself or the relationship.
- Suspicious of your partner and anticipating them leaving you.
Some people with an anxious attachment style say they almost feel attracted to insecure relationships where they know they will be left; it’s not safe, but it is familiar, and that familiarity draws them in.
What causes anxious attachment?
Like all attachment styles, the anxious attachment style starts in childhood, with how your parents behave around you.
Anxious attachment style is a result of parents who were inconsistent in their love, affection, and attentiveness. This can be both physical and emotional. For example, when a baby cries, the parent sometimes attends to them and sometimes doesn’t. It is random and has nothing to do with how the child reacts. Another example is in childhood when a young child is emotionally distraught, stressed, or physically injured. Sometimes the parents respond with care and sometimes they do not respond at all. Once again, the outcome is not dependent on the child at all; nothing they can do will change the outcome.
Through repeated instances of this unstable affection, children learn a lesson that becomes ingrained in their brains: people can leave you at any time. This goes beyond fear of abandonment; it’s a confidence in abandonment. Adults who have an anxious attachment style know first-hand how inconsistent love can be—they experienced it as a child—and they come to believe all love is inconsistent like that. Over time, their behaviors come to match this expectation.
However, this expectation is false: Good love can be affectionate and consistent. The key for adults with an anxious attachment style is to believe that, and then start acting like they believe it.
How to heal from an anxious attachment style
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Fortunately, you are not stuck with your anxious attachment style. Science and personal anecdotes have shown again and again that healing from childhood trauma, gaining self-awareness, and practicing good coping skills can shift your attachment style from anxious to secure.
Here are some tips on how to do just that:
- Understand your relationship behaviors: What do you do in a relationship that you want to change? Do you exhibit jealousy, codependency, or clinginess? Do you get defensive during arguments? Are you super anxious anytime you don’t get reassurance? Remember, these are not your fault and are understandable behaviors. But we must be aware of them if we are to change.
- Track your triggers: Now look at the flip side—what behaviors trigger your anxiety, jealousy, panic, or other uncomfortable emotions? Is it when they don’t text back? When they hang out with someone else? Or don’t give you verbal reassurance without being prompted? Rank these from highest to lowest triggering value.
- Implement coping mechanisms: For the least triggering behaviors, start implementing coping mechanisms to mitigate your distress. For example, when they don’t text you back right away, do some breathing exercises, take a cold shower, go for a walk, or call a friend.
- Communicate your needs: For the highly triggering behaviors, don’t try to fix them on your own. You deserve love and support, and it’s okay (great, even!) to ask for it. For example, if phubbing (being on their phone while hanging out with you) is a highly triggering behavior for you, have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Tell them why you feel this way and ask if they would help you work through it. This might mean, for them, putting away their phone while hanging out with you. Or giving you a heads up, “Hey, I just want to check the score of that game real quick.”
- Get professional support: Often, anxious attachment style is rooted in childhood trauma; neglect can come in many different forms. If you are struggling with an anxious attachment style and how it is affecting your relationships, therapy can help. Therapy can help you heal from past trauma, address unhealthy behavior, and learn healthy coping mechanisms when anxiety flares up.
Lifebulb Counseling has therapy for anxious attachment styles across the U.S. We accept most major insurances and have little to no wait times. Browse our list of therapists near you, or call our team to be matched with a licensed therapist today.
