Types of Attachment Styles in Adults: The Ultimate Guide

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles are patterns of behavior that individuals develop in infancy and continue to exhibit throughout adulthood in their relationships with others. These styles are influenced by early interactions with caregivers and play a significant role in shaping how we approach and perceive relationships.

There are four main attachment styles:

• Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence. They are able to trust others, express their needs, and provide support to their partners.
• Anxious (Or Ambivalent) Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style often fear rejection and abandonment. They may seek excessive reassurance from their partners and worry about the security of their relationships.
• Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with an avoidant attachment style value independence and may struggle with intimacy. They often suppress their emotions and avoid close relationships to protect themselves from potential hurt.
• Disorganized Attachment: This attachment style is characterized by a combination of anxious and avoidant behaviors, usually a back-and-forth of the two behaviors. People with disorganized attachment may have experienced trauma or inconsistent caregiving in early life, leading to conflicting feelings about relationships.

Understanding your own attachment style can provide valuable insight into your behaviors and how you relate to others. Recognizing and exploring these patterns can help you foster healthier relationships and work towards developing a more secure attachment style in adulthood.

This guide will go through the history of attachment styles, why they’re important, what attachment style you have, and how you can use that information to form better relationships.

History of attachment styles: Ainsworth “Strange Situation” Study

Mary Ainsworth's "Strange Situation" study, conducted in the 1970s, aimed to observe attachment security in children within the context of their caregiver relationships. The protocol involved a series of eight short episodes meant to assess how infants of nine to 18 months old responded to the presence of their caregiver, their separation, and eventual reunion with them. There were three stages of the study:

• The child would be in a room with their caregiver. They would engage and play. 
• The caregiver left the room and the infant was either left alone or with a stranger
• The infant was reunited with their caregiver after the separation periods. 

Through careful observation of the infants' behaviors and reactions during these sequences, and specifically how the infant responded to their caregivers when they came back into the room, Ainsworth identified and classified three main attachment styles: secure, anxious-ambivalent, and avoidant.

In 1986, a fourth attachment style was added: disorganized attachment. 

The results of Ainsworth's "Strange Situation" study had a profound influence on psychology, particularly in the field of attachment theory. It provided empirical evidence for the concepts outlined in John Bowlby's attachment theory and deepened the understanding of how early attachment experiences shape an individual's social and emotional development throughout life.

Why Attachment Styles Matter

Understanding attachment styles is crucial as they significantly impact our relationships, self-esteem, and overall well-being. Your attachment style influences how you connect with others, express emotions, and handle conflicts. Here’s why knowing about attachment styles is so important:

1. Self-Awareness: Recognizing your attachment style can provide insight into your behaviors and reactions in relationships. It helps you understand why you respond the way you do in certain situations and empowers you to make positive changes.
2. Enhanced Communication: Awareness of attachment styles can improve communication with your partner, friends, or family members. By understanding each other’s attachment styles, you can better support and connect with one another.
3. Healthy Relationships: Individuals with secure attachment styles tend to have healthier, more stable relationships. By working on developing a secure attachment style, you can cultivate deeper connections and create a more fulfilling social support network.
4. Healing Past Wounds: For those with insecure attachment styles resulting from past trauma or neglect, recognizing these patterns can be the first step towards healing. Therapy and self-reflection can help address these issues and foster a more secure attachment style.
5. Personal Growth: Learning about attachment styles allows you to embark on a journey of personal growth and self-improvement. By understanding your attachment style and how it impacts your relationships, you can take proactive steps to develop a more secure attachment style and lead a more fulfilling life.

Gaining insight into attachment styles equips you with the knowledge and tools to build stronger, more meaningful relationships and ultimately live a brighter, more fulfilling life.

What Are the 4 Attachment Styles?

It can be hard to pinpoint your exact attachment style. We all want to have a healthy, secure attachment. If you resonate more with anxious, detached, or disorganized attachment, remember: You didn’t choose your attachment style. It is a reflection of your relationship with your parents when you were an infant and young child, and therefore not in your control. Also, it is possible to heal from past wounds and traumas, building healthier behavior and effectively changing your attachment style. 

So, let's explore the four attachment styles.

Secure Attachment Style

This is the healthiest attachment style. Feelings of safety, trust, and deep connection come from having a secure attachment style. Secure attachment is like having a sturdy emotional foundation that gives you the confidence to explore the world and form meaningful relationships. It's built on trust, empathy, and a deep sense of security, providing a nurturing base for emotional growth and connection with others.

Characteristics of Secure Attachment

• Comfortable with Intimacy: People with secure attachment are at ease with emotional closeness and vulnerability in relationships.
• Resilience: They can effectively cope with stress and challenges, drawing strength from their secure emotional foundation.
• Trusting and Trustworthy: They trust others and are seen as reliable and supportive by their loved ones.
• Open Communication: They express emotions and needs openly and feel safe discussing difficult topics with their partners.

How Secure Attachment Presents in Adults

Adults with secure attachments seek out and form healthy, balanced relationships. They are comfortable with both independence and intimacy, fostering connections that are supportive and fulfilling. They can manage conflicts constructively, trust their partners, and embrace emotional vulnerability without fear or reservation.

Example of Secure Attachment in Adult Relationships

During an argument, a couple with secure attachment styles may strive to communicate with empathy and understanding. They express their feelings openly, listen actively without defensiveness, and work together to find a resolution. Each partner feels safe to express themselves without fear of rejection, and they prioritize finding common ground rather than winning the argument. This secure attachment fosters a sense of trust and emotional safety, laying the groundwork for a healthier, more balanced relationship.

Anxious attachment style

Anxious-ambivalent attachment is like standing on shaky ground, where uncertainties and doubts cloud our connections with others. Individuals with this attachment style often seek high levels of closeness and reassurance in relationships but may exhibit doubts about their self-worth and fear rejection or abandonment.

Characteristics of Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment

• Intense Emotions: People with an anxious-ambivalent attachment may experience heightened emotions, including anxiety, fear of rejection, and constant need for validation.
• Seeking Reassurance: They may constantly seek reassurance and validation from their partners to alleviate their underlying feelings of insecurity.
• Fear of Abandonment: There is a deep-seated fear of being abandoned or rejected, leading to clinginess or possessiveness in relationships.
• Mixed Signals: Individuals with this attachment style may send mixed signals, vacillating between extreme closeness and pulling away.

How Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment Presents in Adults

In adulthood, anxious-ambivalent attachment can manifest as difficulty trusting others fully, an intense need for closeness, and a constant fear of rejection or abandonment. Adults with this attachment style may struggle with setting boundaries, experience heightened relationship anxiety, and have challenges regulating their emotions when feeling insecure.

Example of Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment in Adult Relationships

Arguments are difficult for people with anxious-ambivalent attachments. Partners with this attachment style may exhibit jealousy, possessiveness, and frequent demands for reassurance. They may feel an intense need for constant contact and affirmation from their partners, which can sometimes lead to conflicts and emotional turbulence in the relationship. In an argument, they may panic, escalate the conflict, or try to use the argument as a way to seek greater intimacy and attachment to their partner. 

Avoidant attachment style

Avoidant attachment can create a silent barrier, keeping others at arm's length. Avoidant attachment is like wearing an emotional shield, designed to protect oneself from vulnerability and potential hurt. Individuals with this attachment style often prioritize independence and self-reliance, finding it challenging to fully trust or lean on others for emotional support.

Characteristics of Avoidant Attachment

• Emotional Distance: People with avoidant attachment tend to keep their emotions at bay, often appearing detached or reserved in relationships.
• Fear of Intimacy: They may feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness, fearing loss of independence or vulnerability.
• Difficulty Trusting: Individuals may struggle to trust others completely, leading to a preference for self-sufficiency over-relying on others.
• Desire for Autonomy: Independence and personal space are highly valued, sometimes at the expense of deep emotional connections.

How Avoidant Attachment Presents in Adults

In adulthood, avoidant attachment can manifest as a strong need for personal space, reluctance to rely on others for support, and a tendency to downplay emotions or avoid discussing feelings openly. Adults with this attachment style may struggle with intimacy, find it challenging to express vulnerable emotions, and prioritize individual freedom over relational closeness. If they are in a relationship, they may feel distant or disconnected.

Example of Avoidant Attachment in Adult Relationships

Avoidant attachment can create a pattern of emotional distance and difficulty in forming deep connections. Partners with this attachment style may seem aloof or detached, struggle to express affection openly, or find it challenging to fully commit to emotional intimacy. They may prioritize personal space and independence, leading to feelings of loneliness or disconnection in the relationship. When they encounter conflict, they are more likely to walk away, stonewall, or implement a silent treatment. If they do engage, it is likely at surface level to appease their partner. It is difficult for them to be vulnerable enough to solve the core issues of conflicts.

Disorganized/disoriented attachment style

A disorganized attachment style was added after the initial Strange Situation study as a way to encapsulate the reactions of children to abusive or neglectful caretakers. This type is almost always associated with childhood abuse, neglect, or trauma, and frequently exists alongside mental health issues like PTSD, anxiety, depression, or substance use. If you have a disorganized attachment style, remember that your style is not set in stone: you can heal from your past and find healthier ways to form fulfilling relationships.

Characteristics of Disorganized Attachment

• Conflicting Behaviors: Those with disorganized attachment can display a mix of avoidance and anxious behaviors in relationships, resulting in internal conflicts and confusion. They may pull away one day and then demand closeness next.
• Fear and Disorientation: They may experience intense fear and confusion when faced with closeness or emotional vulnerability. It is a confusing experience for them and their partner. 
• Inconsistent Self-Regulation: Individuals may struggle with regulating their emotions and impulse control, sometimes oscillating between intense anger and withdrawal.
• Disrupted Sense of Self: Disorganized attachment can lead to a fragmented sense of self, making it challenging to establish a secure, integrated identity. People with disorganized attachment frequently struggle with low self-worth, self-esteem, and self-compassion.

Example of Disorganized Attachment in Adult Relationships

In adult relationships, disorganized attachment can create a turbulent dynamic filled with uncertainty and emotional upheaval. Partners with this attachment style may engage in ambivalent behaviors, vacillating between longing for closeness and pushing their partners away. They may have difficulty establishing a consistent and secure emotional connection, leading to a disruption in the overall stability of the relationship.

When a couple with disorganized attachment styles argues, it can be emotionally charged and unpredictable. Due to past traumatic experiences, they may struggle with regulating their emotions. During an argument, they may alternate between intense anger, confusion, and withdrawal. It's crucial to remember that these patterns can be challenging to break, but with compassionate support and therapy, individuals can make significant strides towards healthier attachment patterns. 

How Disorganized Attachment Presents in Adults

In adulthood, disorganized attachment can manifest as a constant struggle to balance the desire for closeness with a fear of being engulfed or hurt. Adults with this attachment style may exhibit emotional volatility, difficulty forming trusting relationships, and challenges in self-regulation. They may also experience dissociation or disconnection from their own emotions.

Can Attachment Styles Change in Adulthood?

Yes, absolutely! A 4-year long study done by psychologist Lee A. Kirkpatrick and Cindy Hazan found that 30% of people had different attachment styles. This was a relatively short study considering the average human lifespan, so it’s not a leap to say more than 30% of people will have a different attachment style than they did as children and young adults. 

Also, therapy can help. Disorganized, avoidant, and anxious attachment styles often arise from some form of childhood trauma or stressful experience. Like any trauma, it had a major impact on the way their brain formed. However, the brain is resilient. Through neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to change throughout our lives—the damaging effects of trauma can be healed and new, healthy connections formed.

How do attachment styles shape relationships?

Attachment styles are not the only thing influencing relationships—they don’t account for conscious thought and mindful behavior, after all. Also, as we discussed above, they can change! If you’re shifting from one attachment style to another, how you relate to people may look different than what’s been discussed here. 

However, it’s undeniable that attachment styles have some say in how we form relationships. Let’s look at a few ways below. 

1. Shaping Communication and Emotional Intimacy:
   Our attachment styles paint a vivid backdrop for how we communicate, express emotions, and navigate intimacy in relationships. Individuals with secure attachment styles often find it easier to engage in open, honest communication, fostering a deeper sense of emotional closeness. Conversely, those with insecure attachment styles may grapple with expressing emotions, setting boundaries, or finding a healthy balance between autonomy and interdependence.
2. Influencing Conflict Resolution and Trust:
   Attachment styles play a pivotal role in shaping how we approach conflict and trust within relationships. Securely attached individuals often demonstrate a greater capacity to navigate disagreements with empathy and understanding, fostering a sense of trust and emotional safety. In contrast, individuals with insecure attachment styles may struggle with conflict resolution, tending toward emotional volatility or withdrawal, ultimately impacting the establishment of trust within the relationship.
3. Impacting Patterns of Relational Dynamics:
   The interplay of attachment styles can influence the overarching patterns of relational dynamics within romantic, familial, or friendship connections. Individuals with secure attachment styles often gravitate toward balanced, nurturing relationships, fostering mutual support and understanding. Meanwhile, those with insecure attachment styles may find themselves entangled in patterns of anxious preoccupation, avoidance of intimacy, or ambivalence in their relational behaviors.
4. Fostering Healing and Transformation:
   Understanding the impact of attachment styles can serve as a foundational compass for fostering healing and transformation within relationships. By delving into the roots of attachment patterns, individuals can gain a greater understanding of their relational tendencies and work towards reshaping these dynamics. With the support of a compassionate therapist and a willingness to explore past experiences, individuals can embark on a journey of forging healthier, more secure attachment patterns.

By shining a light on the influence of attachment styles within relationships, we empower ourselves to cultivate deeper self-awareness and empathy for others. Through this understanding, we embark on a path toward nurturing more secure, fulfilling connections with the potential to transform our emotional landscapes. Remember, the journey toward healthier relationships begins with a compassionate commitment to self-growth and the nurturing of secure, balanced connections that honor our brightest lives.

Tips To Transition To A More Secure Attachment Style

1. Improve your nonverbal communication skills.

One of the most important lessons gleaned from attachment theory is that adult relationships, just like the first relationship with your primary caregiver, depend on their success in nonverbal forms of communication. Even though you may not be aware of it, when you interact with others, you continuously give and receive wordless signals via the gestures you make, your posture, how much eye contact you make, and the like. These nonverbal cues send strong messages about what you feel. Take the help of a trained relationship counselor to better your life skills.

2. Boost your emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence (otherwise known as emotional quotient or EQ) is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to empathize with your partner, communicate more effectively, and deal with conflict in a healthier way. As well as helping to improve how well you read and use nonverbal communication, building emotional intelligence can help strengthen a romantic relationship. By understanding your emotions and how to control them, you’ll be better able to express your needs and feelings to your partner, as well as understand how your partner is feeling.

Our experts help you identify the core issues & build a stronger relationship ahead.

Browse licensed therapists near you, or talk to us to find the one who meets your needs.

Find Your Therapist

Conclusion

If you are wondering how you find your attachment style, there is no shortage of information and trusted sources to help you. Some websites and quizzes help you determine your attachment style by analyzing your upbringing and relationships. But tread your paths carefully and make sure it is from a valid source, and of course, there are always trained professionals who can guide you in the right direction. 

And if you are a parent or parent-to-be, strive to be available for them — emotionally and physically — and you can stimulate the secure attachment that directs to the wholesomest demeanors in adulthood. Because parenting is about sculpting a future for your child, don’t worry if you don’t always get it right. And if you feel that you’d like to work toward changing your attachment style, remember that nothing is carved in stone. Working with a trained therapist on patterns of insecure behaviors would potentially be the most beneficial way to earn secure attachment. Attachment security doesn’t have to be a distant dream or unachievable wish: You can achieve a secure attachment style through psychoeducation, self-awareness, and self-growth.

Find Your Therapist