How Do I Overcome Jealousy?

What Is Jealousy in a Relationship?

Jealousy is the feeling of mistrust, suspicion, and resentment that can grow when there is a perceived or real risk to a highly valued relationship. When you have a good relationship, you want to protect it. In our social world, that means being on the lookout for people who may want to sabotage or steal your relationship. Out of this protectiveness comes jealousy. 

Is that protectiveness always rational? No. Paranoia and jealousy often go hand in hand. But there is always a reason for jealousy, often one that is rooted in evolutionary science. Humans are social creatures; we’ve survived because of communities. It makes sense that our brains view the success of our relationships as life and death, and seek to protect them in any way they can. This can include being jealous. 

How to Tell if You’re a Jealous Person

You might be a jealous person if you struggle with:

• Constant comparison of yourself to others, leading to feelings of inadequacy or resentment
• Difficulty in trusting others, including your partner or close friends, without a clear reason
• Frequent worries about being replaced or abandoned in relationships
• Intense emotions of anger or bitterness when others achieve success or happiness
• Experiencing a persistent sense of insecurity or unworthiness in various aspects of life
• Behaviors such as snooping, questioning, or seeking reassurance excessively in relationships
• Difficulty acknowledging and celebrating others' accomplishments or good fortune
• Feeling a constant need for validation or attention to feel secure and worthy

Why Does Jealousy Happen?

Jealously is not a fun emotion to experience, and it can lead to some unhelpful behavior. At its worst, jealousy can ruin a relationship. Sometimes, suspicion is warranted. For example, when your ex has a history of cheating, you feel inclined to keep a closer eye on their social media channels. Jealousy, however, is usually rooted in fear, not fact. 

What Is the Cause of Jealousy?

Jealousy is caused when we feel threatened in some way. This threat can be real or imagined. For example, a real threat to a relationship could be when your partner’s ex comes back into town and they start talking again. A perceived threat could be a coworker who you think is trying to steal your job but who is actually just exceptionally friendly. 

Because jealousy is evolutionary a way to warn us that a treasured relationship is at risk, it might not be something to ignore or push away. Instead, when you feel a surge of jealousy, ask yourself:

• Why am I feeling jealous?
• Is this threat real or perceived? 
• If it is real, what conversation needs to happen to clarify boundaries and commitments?
• If it is perceived, what do I need to feel safe? 

Bad experiences or relationship trauma can result in triggers in your current day relationships. 

Why Do I Get Jealous so Easily in My Relationship?

Jealousy happens to all of us, but some people might consider themselves “jealous people”, or people who get jealous more often than usual. This isn’t a moral failing, as there is probably a perfectly good reason you get jealous so easily. 

People get jealous easily when they’ve been hurt in relationships before and are therefore more likely to perceive threats in everyday interactions. For example, someone may be more likely to get jealous if they have:

• Been cheated on before
• An insecure attachment style
• Relationship trauma 
• Low self-esteem 
• A relationship that ended poorly 
• Been in an abusive or manipulative relationship 
• Saw jealous relationships and behaviors modeled to them growing up

There is probably a reason you feel jealous so often. Give yourself some compassion and instead of beating yourself up for it, try to solve it. Why are you jealous? Is there a good reason to be jealous? What are the next steps you can take? 

How Do I Overcome Jealousy?

Jealousy is a very common problem, and there are ways to combat it. Here are some steps you can take to stop being jealous:

1. Understand the root cause: Why are you jealous? Are you afraid of them taking something important to you? Or do you feel threatened because you think they are better than you? Understand the why behind your jealousy. Specifically, what action was it that prompted this flare of jealousy to rise? 
2. Have a conversation about it: Whether your jealousy is rooted in reality or not, you should have a conversation with your partner about your jealousy and what caused it. Try to bring this up when you both have time to fully discuss it. 
3. Focus on yourself: Sometimes jealousy can act as a temperature gauge for where you are and where you want to be. If you are jealous of someone for their looks, wealth, relationship, health, travel experience, or anything else personal to you, then it could be a sign that you want what they have. How can you get there?
4. Remember the full picture: Many of us experience jealousy after scrolling social media, but it’s important to remember that social media is never the full story. Social media is only ever a reflection of someone’s life–usually one that is favorable to them. Try to remember that everyone has unsavory details they try to hide. 
5. Practice gratitude: Gratitude journaling can be a powerful tool to focus on yourself and cut jealousy off before it can grow. Focus on what you do have.
6. Work on self-compassion and self-esteem: Practicing good self-confidence will make it harder for jealousy to get a foothold. If you believe in who you are and your ability to accomplish your goals, you’ll waste less energy focusing on what others have and more on what you can accomplish. 
7. Talk to a therapist: Sometimes jealousy can be rooted in mental illness, like anxiety, depression, personality disorders, or trauma. If there is something bigger going on, a therapist can help you understand and treat it. 

Does Jealousy Ever Go Away?

Yes, over time jealousy usually fades on its own, but if you never address the root issue, then jealousy is likely to come back time and time again. Practicing good self-esteem, communication skills, gratitude, and empathy are all ways to reduce the rates and intensity of jealousy. 

If you feel stuck, talking to a therapist can help. At Lifebulb, we have therapists who are trained and experienced in helping people through jealousy. Contact our support team or browse our list of therapists today. 

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