Jun 16, 2025
Do any of these situations sound familiar to you?
- You’re unable to make a decision before checking with your partner first.
- You hate being alone, so you follow your partner wherever they go.
- You’re not sure who you are without your partner.
- Sometimes your partner does things you know are wrong, but you love them too much to talk to them about it.
- There are no boundaries between you and your partner. Why should there be?
- You’re terrified your partner is going to leave you, so you covertly check their phone whenever they’re not around to make sure they’re not cheating.
Did you know those behaviors are signs of codependency in a relationship?
Codependent relationships can affect all types of relationships, from romantic to familial and friendships. Although it is usually not a purposeful way to gain control and manipulate people, codependency can be toxic and damaging to both partners all the same. Therefore, it’s important to know and recognize the signs of codependency and how to stop it.
Codependency Definition
Codependency is when there is no line between where you end and your loved one begins. We most often talk about codependency in relation to romantic partnerships, but you can have a codependent relationship with anyone, including a friend, family member, or coworker.
In a codependent relationship, you have trouble understanding who you are without the person you are codependent with. Codependent behaviors, as described in numerous studies about the matter, include:
- Self-sacrifice, often resulting in excessive caretaking
- All-consuming focus on others
- A need for control
- Difficulty recognizing and expressing emotions
- Low self-esteem
- People pleasing
- Difficulty setting boundaries
One of the notable behaviors listed here is a need for control. Codependent relationships are caused by fear of abandonment [insert link] or hurt. People who are codependent cope with this fear by making themselves a vital part of their partner’s lives, so that it becomes impossible—emotionally, financially, or physically—to leave.
Does this make codependent behaviors manipulative? Codependency is rarely conscious, instead it is an unconscious reaction to hidden fears. Remember that codependent people usually have difficulty recognizing and naming their emotions. They don’t know why they act the way they do; to them, losing their person would be the worst thing to happen to them.
So while codependency isn’t outright manipulative or abusive, it can be a red flag and a toxic behavior. It’s important to therefore recognize codependency symptoms in yourself and the people around you.
“Am I Codependent?” Codependency Symptoms
You might be codependent if you recognize the following symptoms:
- Low Self-Esteem: Struggling with feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and seeking validation from others to feel worthy.
- Poor Boundaries: Difficulty setting and maintaining personal boundaries, leading to overinvolvement in others' lives or letting others dictate your choices.
- Need for Control: Feeling a strong need to control situations, outcomes, or people to feel secure and avoid facing uncertainty.
- People-Pleasing: Going to great lengths to please others, often at the expense of your own well-being and needs.
- Fear of Abandonment: Constantly seeking reassurance and fearing rejection or abandonment in relationships.
- Difficulty with Communication: Struggling to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs openly and honestly, leading to misunderstandings and resentment.
- Enabling unhealthy behavior: Ignoring or minimizing problems such as drinking, anger, abuse, or other potentially dangerous behaviors your partner exhibits.
- Caretaking: Putting others' needs above your own, taking on excessive responsibility for others' well-being, and neglecting self-care.
Codependency is not just loving someone so much that you can’t fathom being apart from them. It’s a subtle way to remain in control in a scary situation in which abandonment is possible.
Abandonment issues are usually rooted in past traumas or bad experiences. Codependency does not make you a bad person. However, it is important to take the steps to heal from what happened to you so you can foster healthier relationships in the future.
How to Stop Being Codependent
If you’re asking yourself this question- Congratulations! You’ve already accomplished step one: recognize your codependency. This is huge, as many people prone to codependent behavior struggle to reflect on their behavior in this way.
Once you understand your issue, you can take steps to resolve it. The good news is that codependent behavior is treatable. Here are some steps you can take:
- Set Healthy Boundaries: Boundaries are going to be key in resisting and ending codependent behavior. Establish limits around your physical, emotional, and mental well-being to alleviate the pressure to constantly cater to others. Learn how to say “no”. It may take a few tries to get the right boundaries into place.
- Learn who you are outside of your relationships: Work on boosting your self-worth and recognizing your own value independent of others' opinions or validation. This could mean practicing positive affirmations, doing things on your own (like eating out, watching a movie, going to an exercise class), and engaging in your hobbies. Who were you before you got into this relationship? Who do you want to be?
- Spend time alone: This could be as simple as taking time every day where you aren’t hanging out with anyone. Try to be mindful during these times—What are you thinking? What are you feeling? You might feel anxious, exhausted, or on edge the first few times you do this. Try to sit with these feelings without judgment or trying to change them. It’s okay to be uncomfortable for a little while.
- Develop Assertive Communication Skills: Learn to express your needs, thoughts, and feelings in a direct and honest way, without fear of rejection. Good communication is the hallmark of all healthy relationships. You can practice your communication skills with your partner.
- Develop coping skills to manage uncomfortable emotions: As you move from codependent to independent, uncomfortable emotions will come up. Instead of running back to your codependent relationship, you’ll need to learn how to survive these feelings. Coping skills are behaviors that help you do that. This could be going for a walk, playing a video game or reading a book, engaging in a hobby, meditation, deep breathing, or even just distracting yourself.
Finally, consider seeing a therapist. A good therapist can help you address the root cause behind your codependent behavior and give you ways you can overcome it. Through therapy, you can build self-esteem, communication skills, and coping skills so you can break free from codependency and experience happy, healthy relationships.
