Feb 1, 2024
Ghosting has been said to be the modern break-up technique. Ushered to a new level of use by mobile dating apps and the anonymity of social media, nearly everyone has been ghosted at some point.
Ghosting is a term used to describe the disengaging from a relationship through sudden withdrawal and avoidance. The person doing the ghosting (the “ghoster”) cuts off all communication—stops responding to texts and calls, unfollows on social media, doesn’t respond to attempts to reconnect, and will take steps to avoid seeing the person they ghosted in person.
It’s a common misconception that ghosting is easier on the victim that direct confrontation. Although it does avoid confrontation, research has shown that ghosting is one of the least compassionate and most harmful ways to break up with someone.
In this article, we’ll dive deep into what ghosting is, why people ghost, and how you can protect yourself from the harmful effects of ghosting.
Signs of Ghosting
You’ll know when you’ve been ghosted: they will break off all communication, not respond to texts or calls, and likely unfollow you on social media platforms. (Although not always. Keep reading for a definition of orbiting and the effects of it.) It is rejection by complete withdrawal. You won’t be able to get in contact with them, and if you share social groups they’ll try to avoid contact with you in person.
However, not all forms of ghosting are so obvious. A newer form of ghosting, known as ‘soft ghosting’, has been rising in popularity. This is more like fizzling—slowly withdrawing from a relationship until there’s no contact instead of doing it all at once. It’s thought to be a kinder form of ghosting, subtlety hinting at the lack to discontinue the relationship but being unwilling to start a confrontation or avoid hurt feelings.
Unfortunately, soft ghosting can lead to similar emotional distress as ghosting. Early signs that you’re being ghosted or soft ghosted include:
- Time between answered texts slowly increases.
- They stop reaching out to you, and will only respond when you initiate.
- They bail on plans frequently.
- They don’t want to meet your friends or family.
- They keep conversations surface-level.
- They don’t tell you anything new about themselves.
- They stop flirting and trying to move the relationship forward.
This isn’t a complete list. It’s possible someone is doing all this for a perfectly good reason. If you find yourself caught in a soft ghosting situation, confront the issue. Get them on the phone or in person and ask them if they want to continue the relationship. Tell them you’ve noticed them pulling away and would appreciate their honesty. You don’t want to waste time in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about you.
How Many Days of No Contact is Ghosting?
There is no strict number of no-contact days before it’s considered to be ghosting. However, there are some other signs that can help you decide if it’s ghosting or just a lull in communication.
Research has shown that people think ghosting is much more acceptable if the interaction is less than 2 days old. In general, the shorter your relationship the more likely people think it’s okay to ghost you. This is especially true if you haven’t had any in-person contact.
Breadcrumbing vs Ghosting vs Orbiting vs Benching
With modern technology making it easier to engage in indirect break-up strategies, a plethora of new techniques have taken the dating world by storm. What’s the difference? And which one is worse? All indirect break-up strategies result in significant psychological distress, the extent of which is determinable by the unique circumstance. However, some tend to do more damage than others.
Types of indirect break-up strategies, ranked from least distressing to most:
- Soft Ghosting: A fizzle. They will gradually decrease communication and interaction.
- Ghosting: Ending a relationship without communication.
- Orbiting: When you ghost someone but keep interacting with their social media content.
- Breadcrumbing: Leading people on. Showing them you’re interested when you’re not
- Benching: Making someone your backup plan. They like you, they might even want you, but not enough to commit to you. Instead, you’re “benched”—there for companionship when they’re lonely, but always a backup option.
Research shows that breadcrumbing produces a higher pain response than ghosting. But keep in mind that pain is subjective to personal experience. If your partner of two years ghosts you, that’s going to hurt more than a two-week-long breadcrumbing conducted completely online.
Why Does Ghosting Hurt So Much?
We can laugh it off, say it was never really that serious anyway, and scroll through our line of online dating matches, but the truth remains: ghosting hurts. It’s rejection in its purest form. Worst yet, you don’t even get to know why.
The science backs up your experience—ghosting is bad for your health. In fact, ghosting and the indirect break-up strategies discussed above illicit greater distress than direct break-up strategies.
Ghosting activates your pain response.
fMRI scans found that being romantically rejected, especially when you were in a long-term relationship, activates the pain network in our brain. This means that when you’re rejected, you feel it like you would physical pain and can even trigger cardiac deceleration. The brain’s pain network is more likely to be triggered when the rejection is unexpected, as many cases of ghosting are.
Ghosting reduces self-esteem.
In one study, more than one-third of people ghosted blamed themselves. They believed getting ghosted was a result of not being attractive enough, not having a good personality, or saying the wrong thing. This sort of negative self-talk can plummet your self-esteem.
- Lower self-esteem
- Lower life satisfaction
- Increased feelings of helplessness
- Increased feelings of loneliness
Personal beliefs affect response to ghosting.
Other research suggests that those with a destiny mindset, who believe in one true love waiting for them, take ghosting much easier than those with a growth mindset, who believe that love will find a way through difficulties. The first group sees ghosting as an unfortunate but necessary step in weeding out the false relationships for that one true “soul mate”, whereas the second believes that love can be found in anyone if you’re willing to work for it.
Why Am I Suddenly Being Ghosted?
Despite being hailed as a new break-up method thanks to technology, ghosting has been around for decades. Researchers in the 80s found a common pattern of withdrawing and avoiding partners or potential partners as a way to disengage and end relationships. Although technology has made ghosting easier, the urge to end things without a direct conflict has been around for generations.
People are more likely to ghost if:
- There is less social overlap between partners (you don’t know each other in “real life”)
- They consider it rude to reject someone face-to-face. The anonymity of the internet allows them to silently reject people without having to engage in conflict.
- It’s been less than 2 days or there’s been no physical or intimate contact. (It’s considered more acceptable to ghost in these situations.)
- They’re younger; research found that younger people are more likely to ghost.
Why do people ghost? It’s not your fault if someone ghosts you. There are many factors that play into why someone ghosts, a few of which include:
- “I have to protect myself.”—They realized they aren’t ready for a committed relationship, are still healing from a past breakup, or have too much going on. In an interest in saving future heartbreak, they ghost.
- “I don’t owe anyone an explanation.”—This is especially true on dating apps and relationships that have yet to be taken into the real world. For casual hookups or relationship flings, people may not think it’s necessary to communicate.
- “It’s just what everyone does now.”—Many people blame the ease of modern technology, claiming that ghosting is normal now.
- “I don’t want to hurt them.”—Many well-wishers end up hurting others in the end. Although the path of least resistance might seem like a good idea at the time, indirect break-ups cause more harm than good.
- “We want different things.”—If you’re ghosted early on in your interactions, it’s likely they realized you want different things. In their mind, the relationship wasn’t going anywhere, so it doesn’t warrant an explanation.
Although these reasons don’t make ghosting okay, it can help to understand someone’s motivations. Those who rationalize ghosting are less distressed by it. If you’ve been hurt by ghosting, breadcrumbing, soft ghosting, orbiting, or benching, remember that it’s not your fault. There are a lot of reasons why someone may ghost, and it does not signify a failure on your part.
How to Respond to Ghosting
Like any breakup, healing from ghosting takes time. Depending on your situation, it may take a lot of time. Here’s how you can respond to ghosting:
- Reach out for closure, but don’t expect a response. Many people want closure when they’re ghosted—they want to know why they’ve been ghosted. However, many ghosters are unwilling to reestablish contact. Ask for closure, but be at peace with the knowledge you might not get it.
- Find comfort in friends. Ghosting is a very common experience. It can help to be in a community with other people who understand your pain. Exchange ghosting experiences with your friends; it’ll help to be understood.
- Feel your grief. Researchers have found a response pattern similar to that of grief after experiencing ghosting. Immediately after ghosting, people experience surprise and confusion; then anger, sadness, and guilt; then attempts of relational repair; and finally acceptance. Give yourself the freedom to experience all of these emotions.
Let them go. It can be tempting to stick around for a few weeks to see if they re-engage, but this behavior can encourage breadcrumbing, benching, or an “on again, off again” type of relationship. If someone ghosts you, they’re telling you indirectly that they aren’t interested. Respond as if they told you directly. Take your time healing and move on.
How to Protect Yourself from Ghosting
Putting your heart out there in the dating world is always a risk. You won’t be able to foresee every pitfall or know everyone’s intentions. However, there are some things you can do to help protect yourself from ghosting:
- Know their intention upfront—Some people are looking for casualness, and will only text when bored. Others see dating apps as a fun game to play and aren’t serious about getting to know people. Be clear and honest about your intentions and what you want, and ask them about the same.
- Remember that it’s not your fault—Ghosting is a cultural phenomenon. With the rise of online dating apps, many people view casual dating as a game, not something to be taken seriously.
- Practice open communication—Set the tone to how open and consistent the communication is. If you want them to text every day, make sure you’re also texting every day. If you want something more, be upfront with them. If you’re not feeling it, tell them that too.
- Maintain high self-esteem—Sometimes things go south, despite everything. If you’re ghosted, work on your mental health instead of trying to understand their behavior. Remind yourself of your worth and all that you bring to a relationship.
Rejection hurts. If you’re recovering from being ghosted, or are caught in a pattern of ghosting, therapy can help. Talk therapy can build self-esteem, work on positive communication, and help you heal from breakup grief. Find a therapist near you and start growing today.
