Jan 22, 2024
Dating is hard. The average person will have relationships with 5-6 people before finding “The One”. The quickest and least harmful path to the One has been tried to be plotted by many. Even mathematicians have tried to solve the equation of love and came up with the 37% rule.
The 37% rule can be applied to any big decision-making process. Mathematicians found that to find the perfect fit for yourself—whether it be your job, a house, or a romantic partner—you have to reject the first 37% of options (while learning all you can about what works for you) and then choose the next option that is better than anything you’ve experienced before.
So, you could set up 100 hundred dates, take notes throughout the first 37 dates, and then put a ring on the finger of whoever meets your standards next. . .
Or you can do what most people do, and lead with your heart, your mind, and probably more than a little advice from your family and friends. The good news is that relationship psychology has come a long way—almost as far as relationship mathematics—and professional relationship counselors, couples therapists, and licensed marriage and family therapists (LMFTs) have real-world advice based on science for what you should be looking for in a romantic relationship.
You probably know someone who says one of their strengths is being confident, but they’re just arrogant. Green flags stretched to their extreme can become red flags. The perfect romantic partner is someone in the middle, someone who is balanced.
Here are Six Relationship Red Flags and Six Relationship Green Flags that you should look out for in every relationship, according to experts
How To Recognize Green and Red Flags in a Relationship
Green Flag: Self-Confidence—We don’t have to be perfect to begin dating others. Everyone is always a work in progress, and it’s unrealistic to expect someone with zero baggage. However, a healthy relationship needs something sturdy to stand on, and that sturdy foundation is easier to find and maintain when you are both confident in who you are as an individual. A good partner’s sense of self-worth should not rely solely on your love.
Red Flag: Codependence—When a partner isn’t able to maintain their separate identity from a relationship, it’s a red flag. When we date someone, it’s natural for them to become part of ourselves. We stop seeing ourselves fully as an individual and start understanding ourselves as part of a pair. This is a healthy and natural part of human relationships but can turn toxic if it goes too far. Codependency is when someone relies on their partner for their entire sense of self. They may feel they are nothing without their partner, don’t have goals outside their partner, and get all of their self-confidence from their relationship.
Green Flag: Self-Awareness—Your partner doesn’t have to be a licensed therapist, but having a solid understanding of their emotions, thoughts, and behavior is paramount to a healthy relationship. Someone who feels their emotions instead of pushing them down is great for the long-term.
Red Flag: Emotional Blaming—Some people can be aware of their emotions, but use them to manipulate others. Emotional blaming can look like “You made me feel bad all day because you didn’t text back”, or “I’m only angry because you won’t talk with me.” The same emotional awareness is being used, but instead of leading to greater communication, accountability, and mutual respect, it is being used to manipulate and harm.
Green Flag: Mutual Growth—They should be your partner, not just your love interest. You help each other grow towards your shared and individual goals, cheering each other on and supporting each other however you can. Importantly, you have both shared and individual goals. Sometimes the shared goals take precedence over the individual goals, but you are always given a chance to pursue your individual goal with abandon.
Red Flag: Compromise on Values—Sometimes, partners push aside their own dreams to uplift their partner's or their shared goals. You have to decide for yourself where this line is drawn. However, if your partner repeatedly asks you to put aside your goals, no matter how small they may seem, for the sake of the relationship or themselves, this is a red flag. Stop to ask yourself if the goals your partner is pushing on you align with your values, or if you’re pursuing them just because your partner asked you.
Green Flag: Vulnerable—It’s hard to open up to someone, and if your partner is able to open up and be vulnerable with you, that’s a green flag! Being vulnerable takes strength, awareness of the situation, and a willingness to share that all form the cornerstones of a healthy, lasting relationship.
Red Flag: Emotionally Explosive—there's a difference between being in touch with your emotions and being controlled by them. You can be “passionate” without being “explosive”. For example, your new partner hears a rumor that you were with someone else last night. There’s no proof of this, but it’s natural to feel hurt. Someone who is in touch with their emotions might ask to have a talk or confront the accusations in a mature, calm way. Someone who is emotionally explosive might get angry and yell at you, accuse you of cheating, or ghost you completely.
Green Flag: Proactive—Have you ever been in a relationship where, once it ended, you realize none of it would have happened if you hadn’t put in the effort? Every date night, every relationship conversation, every step forward was directed and executed by you, and your partner was just pulled along for the ride. A healthy relationship should look like both partners eagerly taking the next step forward. People show love in all kinds of different ways, but there should be an effort on their end to plan dates, compliment you, buy gifts, or make relationship moves.
Red Flag: Controlling—On the flip side, people who make all of the decisions and don’t let their partner make any is a huge red flag. A controlling partner may rebuke or make fun of all your suggestions, spring major relationship markers on you, get frustrated when you don’t readily agree, and won’t consider your opinion.
Green Flag: Responsive—We all make mistakes, and a healthy relationship does not mean a perfect one. A good partner should be able to hear criticism and put in the work to make themselves better. Sure, maybe that initial conversation is difficult for them, criticism will always hurt, especially coming from someone you love. But a relationship green flag is when your partner takes criticism, thinks about it, and makes observable changes.
Red Flag: Defensive—Instead of being responsive to your emotions and thoughts, they are defensive at anything that could be considered a threat or insult. If you bring up something that they did that hurt you, they’ll get defensive and try to blame it on you, belittle your emotions, or make excuses for their actions.
Green Flag: Accommodate your needs—A partner who is a green flag should understand that you’re not perfect. It’s healthy to make accommodations for your partner’s needs, especially after they take the time to understand what makes you tick. They’ll understand that you can’t always give them 100%, and sometimes we all need someone to take care of us for a little.
Red Flag: Stunt your growth—On the flip side is someone who holds you back from becoming your true self. They may try to make you smaller or make you believe that the only thing you’re good for is being their partner. Remember, a good partner believes in you and your dreams and doesn’t just see you as someone to take care of.
What to Do When You See a Red Flag
Maybe you’ve been dating for a while, or maybe you’re just starting out, but at some point, you noticed a red flag.
If you’ve been hurt before, it can be easy to want to drop everything and end the relationship. But not all red flags warrant an immediate break-up and leave. Here are three things to consider when you notice a red flag:
- What were the external circumstances surrounding the red flag? Stop and have a conversation with your partner. Bring up the pattern of behavior you’ve been noticing. Sometimes there’s a good reason for their behavior to change: they’re under a lot of stress, or they’re working through something, or maybe it was just a bad day.
- Is this a repeated pattern? Remember that sometimes excuses are a way to distract you from the truth. You can offer forgiveness, but keep in mind that they should also be putting in effort to change their behavior.
- If this is their reaction to unpleasant circumstances, are you okay with that? If the red flag was a result of being overworked or stressed, think if you want to be in a relationship with someone who has that sort of reaction to negative external life events. Unpleasant things are bound to happen, and how we react to them can be a good judge of character.
- What are your thoughts and emotions like right now? Don’t forget to take into consideration your actions and emotions as well. Are you feeling stressed? Tired? Are you worried about something else entirely but directing it on this relationship? Sometimes we think we see a red flag, but we really just need our basic needs met.
A relationship between two individuals is bound to get a little messy. While we all make mistakes, it’s important to know your own boundaries. Some mistakes can be forgiven, and some can mean the relationship isn’t going to work out.
When to Seek a Relationship Therapist
Couples therapy is a great choice for relationships that recognize a harmful pattern and want to work to make it healthier. Through relationship therapy, you can see if those harmful patterns you saw were actually red flags, or were just a result of a chaotic environment and something that you can work past.
Lifebulb offers relationship therapy that is nonjudgmental, safe, and professional. Browse our list of relationship therapists to find a therapist near you and start on the path to a healthier connection today.
