Jan 22, 2024.webp)
Dating is hard. The average person will have relationships with 5-6 people before finding “The One”. Most people lead this search with their heart, mind, and probably more than a little advice from their family and friends.
If you are trying to find new approaches to dating, the good news is that relationship psychology has come a long way and professional relationship counselors, couples therapists, and licensed marriage and family therapists (LMFTs) have real-world advice based on science for what you should be looking for in a romantic relationship.
You probably know someone who says one of their strengths is being confident, but they’re just arrogant. Green flags stretched to their extreme can become red flags. The perfect romantic partner is someone in the middle, someone who is balanced.
Here are Six Relationship Red Flags and Six Relationship Green Flags that you should look out for in every relationship, according to experts
What are red vs green flags in a relationship?
Red flags are often the flipped behavior of green flags. Confidence is a green flag, but arrogance can be a red flag. It’s hard to know the line between an attractive quality and one that will cause trouble later down the road. This list of 7 red flags vs 7 green flags can help.
Blame vs Self-awareness
Red Flag: Emotional Blaming—Some people can be aware of their emotions, but use them to manipulate others. Emotional blaming can look like “You made me feel bad all day because you didn’t text back”, or “I’m only angry because you won’t talk with me.” The same emotional awareness is being used, but instead of leading to greater communication, accountability, and mutual respect, it is being used to manipulate and harm. (If you recognize these manipulation tactics in your relationship, that's a red flag.)
Green Flag: In comparison to the red flag of emotional blaming is having self-awareness—Your partner doesn’t have to be a licensed therapist, but having a solid understanding of their emotions, thoughts, and behavior is paramount to a healthy relationship. Someone who feels their emotions instead of pushing them down is great for the long-term and is a major green flag.
Compromise vs Mutual Growth
Red Flag: Compromise on values-Sometimes, partners push aside their own dreams to uplift their partner's or their shared goals. You have to decide for yourself where this line is drawn. However, if your partner repeatedly asks you to put aside your goals, no matter how small they may seem, for the sake of the relationship or themselves, this is a red flag. Stop to ask yourself if the goals your partner is pushing on you align with your values, or if you’re pursuing them just because your partner asked you. If you are constantly compromising on values for your partner, it may be a sign of self-sabotage in the relationship.
Green Flag: Mutual Growth—They should be your partner, not just your love interest. You help each other grow towards your shared and individual goals, cheering each other on and supporting each other however you can. Importantly, you have both shared and individual goals. Sometimes the shared goals take precedence over the individual goals, but you are always given a chance to pursue your individual goal with abandon.
Defensive vs responsive
Red Flag: Defensive—Instead of being responsive to your emotions and thoughts, they are defensive at anything that could be considered a threat or insult. If you bring up something that they did that hurt you, they’ll get defensive and try to blame it on you, belittle your emotions, or make excuses for their actions. Defensiveness is considered one of the four potential signs of divorce and it can be a major red flag.
Green Flag: Responsive—We all make mistakes, and a healthy relationship does not mean a perfect one. A good partner should be able to hear criticism and put in the work to make themselves better. Sure, maybe that initial conversation is difficult for them, criticism will always hurt, especially coming from someone you love. But a relationship green flag is when your partner takes criticism, thinks about it, and makes observable changes.
Controlling vs Proactive:
Red Flag: Controlling—On the flip side, people who make all of the decisions and don’t let their partner make any is a huge red flag. A controlling partner may rebuke or make fun of all your suggestions, spring major relationship markers on you, get frustrated when you don’t readily agree, and won’t consider your opinion.
Green Flag: Proactive—Have you ever been in a relationship where, once it ended, you realize how one sided it was? A red flag in a relationship is when you are planning everything.A green flag in a healthy relationship should look like both partners eagerly taking the next step forward. People show love in all kinds of different ways, but there should be an effort on their end to plan dates, compliment you, buy gifts, or make relationship moves.
Emotionally Explosive vs Vunerable:
Red Flag: Emotionally Explosive—there's a difference between being in touch with your emotions and being controlled by them. Being passionate can be a green flag in a relationship but being explosive is a red flag. For example, your new partner hears a rumor that you were with someone else last night. There’s no proof of this, but it’s natural to feel hurt. Someone who is in touch with their emotions might ask to have a talk or confront the accusations in a mature, calm way. Someone who is emotionally explosive might get angry and yell at you, accuse you of cheating, or ghost you completely. That is a sign of an unhealthy relationship and a major red flag.
Green Flag: Vulnerable—It’s hard to open up to someone, and if your partner is able to open up and be vulnerable with you, that’s a green flag! Being vulnerable takes strength, awareness of the situation, and a willingness to share. All of these form the cornerstones of a healthy, lasting relationship. All relationships progress through four stages of a relationship. Vulnerability is green flag and an important part of progressing through these stages.
Codependence vs Self-confidence:
Red Flag: Codependence—When a partner isn’t able to maintain their separate identity from a relationship, it’s a red flag. When we date someone, it’s natural for them to become part of ourselves. We stop seeing ourselves fully as an individual and start understanding ourselves as part of a pair. This is a healthy and natural part of human relationships but can turn toxic if it goes too far. Codependency is when someone relies on their partner for their entire sense of self. They may feel they are nothing without their partner, don’t have goals outside their partner, and get all of their self-confidence from their relationship.
Green Flag: Self-Confidence—We don’t have to be perfect to begin dating others. Everyone is always a work in progress, and it’s unrealistic to expect someone with zero baggage. However, a green flag is having a sturdy foundation to stand on. This makes it easier to find and maintain a healthy relationship when you are both confident in who you are as an individual. A good partner’s sense of self-worth should not rely solely on your love.
Stunt your growth vs Accommodate your needs
Red Flag: Stunt your growth—A red flag in a relationship is when someone tries to hold you back from becoming your true self. They may try to make you smaller or make you believe that the only thing you’re good for is being their partner. Remember, a good partner believes in you and your dreams and doesn’t just see you as someone to take care of.
Green Flag: Accommodate your needs—A partner who is a green flag should understand that you’re not perfect. It’s healthy to make accommodations for your partner’s needs, especially after they take the time to understand what makes you tick. They’ll understand that you can’t always give them 100%, and sometimes we all need someone to take care of us for a little.
What is the biggest red flag in a guy?
The biggest red flag in a guy is if they’re abusive. There are different kinds of abuse, but if a partner ever physically harms you, threatens you, belittles you, gaslights you, or tries to control you (among other manipulative tactics), it’s abuse. This isn’t just a red flag, it’s a flashing stop sign. Don’t stay in a relationship that is abusive. Talk to a therapist about how to stay safe and make a safety plan today.
What is the biggest green flag in a guy?
This depends on the individual person. For some people, the biggest green flag for a partner is kindness. For others it’s emotional intelligence. In general, most people think that the ability to understand and handle their emotions is the biggest green flag, followed by the capability to be kind even in trying circumstances.
What to Do When You See a Red Flag
Maybe you’ve been dating for a while, or maybe you’re just starting out, but at some point, you noticed a red flag.
If you’ve been hurt before, it can be easy to want to drop everything and end the relationship. But not all red flags warrant an immediate break-up and leave. Here are three things to consider when you notice a red flag:
- What were the external circumstances surrounding the red flag? Stop and have a conversation with your partner. Bring up the pattern of behavior you’ve been noticing. Sometimes there’s a good reason for their behavior to change: they’re under a lot of stress, or they’re working through something, or maybe it was just a bad day.
- Is this a repeated pattern? Remember that sometimes excuses are a way to distract you from the truth. You can offer forgiveness, but keep in mind that they should also be putting in effort to change their behavior. If it is ongoing. however, it may be a red flag.
- If this is their reaction to unpleasant circumstances, are you okay with that? If the red flag was a result of being overworked or stressed, think if you want to be in a relationship with someone who has that sort of reaction to negative external life events. Unpleasant things are bound to happen, and how we react to them can be a good judge of character.
- What are your thoughts and emotions like right now? Don’t forget to take into consideration your actions and emotions as well. Are you feeling stressed? Tired? Are you worried about something else entirely but directing it on this relationship? Sometimes we think we see a red flag, but we really just need our basic needs met.
A relationship between two individuals is bound to get a little messy. While we all make mistakes, it’s important to know your own boundaries. Some mistakes can be forgiven, and some can mean the relationship isn’t going to work out. Not all signs of stress or mess in a relationship are going to be red flags. That is why it is so important to know the difference of red flags vs green flags.
How can a couples therapist help with red vs green flags
Couples therapy is a great choice for making relationships healthier. A couples therapist can help you identify potential red flags vs green flags. They can help you identify if those harmful patterns you saw were actually red flags, or were just a result of a chaotic environment and something that you can work past. Being able to sort out red vs green flags can help you grow as a couple and address any problems that may arise in the future.
Lifebulb offers relationship therapy that is nonjudgmental, safe, and professional. Browse our list of relationship therapists to find a therapist near you and start on the path to a healthier connection today.
