Nov 25, 2024
Stonewalling is a maladaptive coping mechanism used by people to shut down a conversation they can no longer handle. Although it is an understandable reaction to overwhelming emotions and situations, it can quickly turn into a harmful habit that be detrimental to a relationship.
Stonewalling is the fourth of Gottman's “Four Horsemen” that predicts divorce. (The other three are Criticism, Contempt, and Defensiveness.) Stonewalling is often seen as the final result of the first three horsemen. When every conversation becomes an argument rich with criticism, contempt, and defensiveness, it makes sense you’ll want to shut down.
Shutting out your partner is the opposite of what will ultimately solve your issue, and can make things much worse than they already are. If you or your partner frequently engage in stonewalling, read on to learn how to stop it.
Signs of Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when someone withdraws from a conversation, putting up a metaphorical wall between them and their partner. Instead of engaging in the conversation, they cut off all verbal and nonverbal communication. Sometimes this could look like physically walking away and putting a closed door between you and your partner, but it can also look like zoning out, refusing to respond, or doing something else while they talk to you.
8 signs you’re stonewalling (or being stonewalled) are:
- They ignore what you are saying
- They change the subject to something less uncomfortable
- They storm off without finishing the conversation
- They avoid the conversation (or any conversation) by coming up with excuses
- They refuse to answer questions and may deflect any attempt to ask them questions
- They may turn away from you, close their eyes, or make other nonverbal actions to show they are not listening or engaging in the conversation.
- They may stall or procrastinate the conversation.
- They may start another activity in the middle of a conversation.
If you’ve been stonewalled, you know how frustrating it can be! You’re trying to have a conversation, and you’re repeatedly being pushed out. You don’t understand what your partner is thinking or feeling, so how could you even start to help them? The problem keeps getting worse and stonewalling makes it feel impossible to find a solution.
Why do people stonewall?
With how ineffective stonewalling is to solving an issue… why do people stonewall?
There is a reason people resort to stonewalling. Although it is not a healthy coping mechanism, it is a way to deal with uncomfortable and overwhelming emotions. People may stonewall because they are:
- Overwhelmed with the emotions they are feeling.
- Trying to avoid escalating the conflict
- Feeling triggered, threatened, or unsafe
- Afraid of where talking may lead (like to a breakup)
- Avoiding a conversation or situation that reminds them of a past trauma
- Hopeless that a solution can ever be found, and don’t see the point in trying.
- Trying to escalate the situation to get a rise out of their partner or have their partner end the conflict out of frustration.
- Seeking a way to prove their partner is “irrational” or “emotional”
These are only a few reasons why someone may stonewall in a relationship. Some causes are rooted in past traumas, whereas others are rooted in a need to “win” the conversation and maybe manipulative in nature. (Read about the signs that your relationship is manipulative here.)
Is Stonewalling Abusive?
Stonewalling can be abusive, and can even be a sign of narcissistic abuse, but it depends on the intent of the stonewaller. Sometimes, people are truly so overwhelmed with the conversation they need to shut down for a minute to self-regulate. In this case, a healthier coping mechanism should be implemented, but the behavior itself is not meant to harm or manipulate. In other situations, in which the stonewaller is seeking moral high ground or to rile up their partner, stonewalling can be abusive and manipulative.
If you think your partner may be using stonewalling as a means to manipulate or control you, look at their other behavior. Do you see other signs of manipulation? How about other ways to control or abuse you?
If you think you are in an abusive relationship, get help as soon as you can. Reach out to trusted friends or a mental health professional.
How does stonewalling affect relationships?
Stonewalling is an ineffective way to deal with arguments and conflicts. At best, it delays solutions and increases tension and resentment in the relationship. At worst, it creates a total communication breakdown, making it impossible to find solutions to even simple problems.
All relationships will have conflicts. That is not a red flag (but these examples of red flags are). It’s how you deal with conflict as a couple that can make or break a relationship. Stonewalling can result in:
- Communication breakdown
- Erosion of trust
- Emotional distress (for both partners)
- Decreased emotional intimacy
- More frequent conflicts
- Escalation of the argument
At its worst, stonewalling can break a relationship apart. If your partner is stonewalling, or if you have a habit of stonewalling, it’s time to address the problem head-on.
How to handle stonewalling in a relationship
It’s important to realize that stonewalling rarely happens on its own. There are likely other miscommunications and bad coping mechanisms at play. Instead of resting the blame solely on the person doing the stonewalling, take a look at how you communicate as a couple. Practice empathy and understand where each other is coming from. Then, work towards a solution.
Steps to handling stonewalling can include:
- Take a break: Stonewalling happens when there is an overwhelming amount of emotions or issues that feel impossible to overcome. Continuing the argument now will only escalate the situation. Take a break and come back when you’re both more level-headed.
- Understand why you stonewall: What is your goal when stonewalling? Is it to get a break? To prove a point? Or does it feel completely involuntary, like you just shut down? Communicate this with your partner.
- Have a safe word: While you work on the inner causes of stonewalling, you’ll need a way to have hard conversations without stonewalling. To do so, have a safe word that means: “Hey, I’m really overwhelmed right now and I need a break.” Until you can have hard conversations without feeling the need to shut down, this communication is vital.
- Find a safe space to have conversations: If you need to have a hard conversation, try to prepare for it. Find a safe, neutral ground and make sure both partners are in a regulated emotional place before beginning the conversation.
- Avoid criticizing or blaming: The other three horsemen of criticizing, blaming, and defensiveness can lead to stonewalling. Make an effort to keep your conflicts understanding and empathetic. Remember, it’s you and your partner against the problem, not you and your partner against each other.
If you need help taking a step back from the conflict, understanding one another’s perspectives, and working towards a solution, relationship counseling can help. A relationship therapist can work through your issues with you, teaching you the steps to good emotional regulation and communication skills for you to use at home.
Lifebulb Counseling & Therapy offers online relationship counseling. We accept most major insurances and have little to no wait times. Call our team to be matched with a relationship counselor near you, or browse our list of relationship counselors yourself. We look forward to meeting you.
