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Do you know how to recognize defensiveness in a relationship? Let’s take a look at an example:
You come home from a long workday ready to get into comfortable clothes and put your feet up for a bit. When you come in, your partner greets you and you chat about your day. After a few minutes, they ask,
“Hey, did you have a chance to do the dishes today?”
They have been asking you to do them all week, but don’t they know how busy you are?
“It was a super busy day at work, I didn’t get to them,” you respond.
“Maybe you could do them while I cook dinner?”
“Why are you nagging me so much? I’ll do them, so just trust me,” you snap.
They put their hands up. “No need to get so defensive.”
Now you’re angry—you weren’t getting defensive! Or . . . were you?
Defensiveness is a common maladaptive coping mechanism in response to perceived or actual rejection or anger. We engage in it without thinking, often due to poor communication skills, past trauma, or stressful situations.
Being defensive does not make you a bad person and we all get a little defensive from time to time. But being routinely being rude or mean because you’re defensive can chip away at your relationship and hurt your partner’s feelings
This blog will cover what defensiveness is, why we get defensive, examples of defensiveness, and how to be less defensive in relationships and conversations.
What does it mean to be “defensive”?
Being defensive means you respond to a comment, question, or feedback as if it’s a personal attack when it isn’t meant to be. A defensive person responds to defend and protect themselves. Often, this is through denial, blame, excuses, or shutting down, rather than listening to what the other person is actually saying to you.
If you’re defensive, you might be routinely perceiving threats to your self-esteem.
Everyone gets a little defensive sometimes. It happens! But if it’s routine, it can damage your relationships. Routine defensiveness doesn’t allow you to listen and understand your partner; instead you’re only thinking about self preservation.
What is defensiveness in relationships?
According to Dr. Gottman, a leading researcher in couples therapy, defensiveness is one of the “four horsemen” that leads to an increase in divorce. The other three are criticism, stonewalling, and contempt.
At its core, being defensive is responding to someone’s concern with your own explanation for why you aren’t at fault. Whether or not you’re right isn’t the issue here—the fact that you’re placing your arguments for your innocence above hearing out their concern is what makes defensiveness destructive to your relationship.
While the whole situation might be a misunderstanding, people are more receptive to understanding your side of things if they feel heard first.
Let’s reverse the above scenario:
You come home from a long day of work and find your partner hasn’t done the dishes.
“Hey,” you say. “I know we’ve both been really busy, but would you mind doing the dishes—”
“It was a super crazy day,” they interrupt. “I didn’t have time.”
Hm… how would that make you feel?
You knew they had a busy day—you did too, after all—and maybe you don’t even blame them for not doing the dishes yet. All you wanted was confirmation that they would do their chore today. Instead, you get an excuse. If you continue to press the issue, you might feel nagging, unsympathetic, or uncaring. None of these are true!
The worst part of defensiveness, when it’s not malicious or being used as a form of manipulation, is that neither of you is actually angry or holds any ill will toward the other—you just want to protect yourself and set the record straight. What’s so wrong about that?
At its best, defensiveness is bad communication. At its worst, it’s a form of manipulation.
Why am I so defensive in my relationship?
Feeling defensive in a relationship usually means your brain is treating your partner’s question as a threat. It’s your body’s stress response. Your brain reads criticism as danger, and triggers flight, fight, freeze, or fawn reactions.
But even though it’s a common behavior, you can learn to manage defensiveness. If you are someone who reacts defensively, try to have sympathy for yourself. Defensiveness is a way to protect yourself against rejection. There are many different causes of defensiveness, ranging from childhood trauma to poor communication skills.
Childhood trauma and neglect can result in:
Feelings of inadequacy, resulting in the need to defend yourself from perceived anger or rejection.
Fear of anger or punishment for upsetting someone, resulting in the need to make things right and correct misunderstandings right away.
Deeply held feelings of shame or guilt, resulting in the need to control how someone perceives you.
Irrational guilt from being wrongly blamed in the past.
Learned behavior from irrational or reactive arguments.
Similar patterns are seen in people who suffered from domestic abuse, emotional abuse, or a manipulative and toxic relationship.
If you are coming out of one of these traumatic situations, it may take some time for your brain to realize that you are safe and that you don’t have to defend yourself. Communicate this with your partner and ask if they are willing to help you work through these behaviors and find healing.
However, not everyone who is defensive suffered from childhood trauma or neglect. Other events that can cause defensiveness include:
Poor communication skills
Feeling guilty over a past mistake
Mental health disorders such as depression, anxiety, or ADHD may prompt overreaction to perceived rejection or anger.
Studies on adult attachment types find that people with anxious or avoidant attachment styles are more likely to respond to conflict with criticism, blame, or defensiveness. This makes disagreements harder to resolve and can slowly erode the emotional closeness you’ve built together.
Feeling excluded or judged by your partner can intensify your defensiveness. One study found that defensiveness increases when someone feels like their sense of belonging is threatened. But when a partner feels acknowledged, their tendencies toward defensiveness seem to ease.
Defensiveness can also occur when you really did make a mistake and want to defend yourself from potential backlash. In this case, be honest with yourself about why you don’t want to get caught. Is it fear? Guilt? What would happen if you were honest?
Working through conflicts is the only way you and your partner can grow together. Taking blame and addressing faults is never comfortable, but a healthy relationship should be able to do so without breaking each other down. With time, you can rebuild trust in a relationship and learn to communicate better.
Defensive Behavior Examples
It can be hard to spot defensiveness in the moment. Are you being defensive or are you continuing the conversation? If you’ve never had healthy communication modeled for you, it can be hard to know the difference.
Let’s explore seven examples of defensive behavior. In this scenario, you and your partner are returning home from a social event. They are upset about how close you were to your coworker. They say it looked like you were flirting with your coworkers and ignoring them all night.
Defensive responses in this situation include:
- Denial: Avoiding or refusing to acknowledge a problem or issue. Someone experiencing denial may reject feedback about their behavior and insist that everything is fine, even when evidence suggests otherwise.
- Example: “That’s outrageous. We weren’t flirting. They’re my coworkers, nothing else.”
- Projection: Attributing one's own thoughts, feelings, or motives to someone else. A person projects their insecurities onto others by constantly accusing others of being judgmental or critical.
- Example: “You’re being dramatic! You always read into these things, calm down. Nothing is happening.”
- Rationalization: Creating logical-sounding reasons to justify unacceptable behaviors or beliefs. Justifying excessive drinking by saying it's necessary to cope with stress or that everyone else does it too.
- Example: “My coworker is just going through a really hard time at home right now. They don’t have a lot of friends, so I want to be there for them.”
- Blaming: Holding others responsible for one's own actions or shortcomings. Blaming a team member for project failures instead of acknowledging personal contribution to the outcome.
- “Me? You didn’t initiate conversation with me all night! You just stood there in the corner.”
- Avoidance: Evading situations, conversations, or responsibilities that may trigger discomfort or conflict. Like ignoring calls or messages from a friend who wants to discuss a strained relationship.
- “Can we talk about this tomorrow? I’m super drained.”
- Minimization: Downplaying the significance or impact of one's actions or their consequences. Brushing off the seriousness of a missed deadline as "not a big deal" when it has lasting effects on others.
- “We were just talking, it’s not a big deal. Can’t I have a conversation with other people?”
- Escalation: Responding to criticism or feedback with heightened emotional intensity or aggression. Reacting to constructive criticism by raising one's voice, making personal attacks, or storming out of a conversation.
- “I’m the one who was flirting? I can’t believe you would say that! You don’t trust me at all, do you?”
The tricky part about defensiveness is that some of these explanations could be true: Maybe your coworker really is having a hard time and needs extra support. Maybe you are exhausted and not able to have a deep conversation. Maybe your partner really did stand in the corner and not approach you all night.
These are things that can be brought up later, after the initial concern is addressed and understood.
Defensiveness occurs when we feel like our story, emotions, and thoughts should go above those of our partners. But a conversation isn’t a race—it’s not about who can get their thoughts in first. It’s about listening, responding, and then adding. Your partner will show you the same respect for listening that you do for them.
How to Stop Being Defensive in a Relationship
Notice the defensiveness happening, name it (out loud if you need to), then pause before responding. Really think about what your partner is trying to say and resist the urge to defend yourself. It takes practice, but you can rebuild the neuropathway and make reflection a more automated response.
Defensiveness is a behavior that can become a habit. It can be tricky to break this habit and requires some self-examination as to why you are so defensive. To stop being defensive you must embrace vulnerability, which is a scary step to take.
If you are ready to know how to be less defensive, start with these steps.
When you are in a conversation and start to become defensive:
- Notice when you become defensive: Take a moment to stop and think about your response. What are you feeling? Are you being defensive?
- Voice your feelings out loud, for both yourself and your partner: Communication starts to fall apart the moment you start guessing at each other’s thoughts and emotions. Your partner isn’t a mind reader, so tell them what you’re feeling.
- Take a moment to recenter yourself so you don’t act on those defensive feelings: If you’re feeling anxious, frantic, frustrated, or angry, take a moment or two to recenter yourself. Maybe you need to step out for a little or maybe you just need a few seconds to calm yourself. Whatever you decide, make sure to tell your partner what you’re doing.
- Decide what your goals are for this conversation: As you’re recentering yourself, ask yourself what your goal for this conversation is. Is it to find a compromise, clarify a misunderstanding, or understand your partner’s perspective?
- Acknowledge your partner’s feelings and accept any responsibility: If they brought the conversation up, seek to acknowledge their feelings first, then accept any responsibility. There might not be any responsibility to accept, but be honest with yourself.
After you’ve done that, you’re emotionally ready to have a conversation. This conversation can (and sometimes should) involve telling your side of the story, clearing up misunderstandings, and explaining your feelings. If you’ve had a bad day, your partner should know! Good communication is about empathy and timing.
In addition to practicing good coping and communication skills in a conversation, there are some things you can do before you get defensive that will help you stop being defensive so often.
What to work on in therapy to stop being defensive
If you want to stop being defensive, you also need to do some work proactively. This way, you can build coping skills for the moments you want to automatically be defensive.
Here’s some work you can do to stop being defensive:
Learn good communication skills
Work on improving your self-esteem
Create a relationship that is open about emotions
Heal from past trauma through therapy
Understand how you best communicate
Create a plan with your partner for dealing with difficult conversations
Go to therapy appointments with openness and honesty
If you constantly find yourself jumping to defensiveness, therapy is the best option for you. Talk therapy provides a safe and supportive space for individuals to unlearn defensive behaviors that no longer serve them. In therapy, clients can explore the root causes of these behaviors, often stemming from past experiences or trauma, and gain valuable insights into why they react defensively in certain situations. Through various therapeutic techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), individuals can learn healthier coping mechanisms and develop new ways of responding to triggers.
A skilled therapist can help individuals recognize when they are being defensive, challenge unhelpful thought patterns, and practice more adaptive behaviors. Over time, therapy empowers individuals to break free from these defense mechanisms, leading to improved relationships, increased self-awareness, and a greater sense of emotional well-being. Remember, with the right support and guidance, it is possible to let go of these defensive behaviors and live a brighter, more authentic life.
How to respond to a defensive person
You’ve likely found yourself on the other end of defensive behavior. How do you respond to a defensive person? Here are some tips:
- Don’t rise to their level: Defensiveness can feel combative and aggressive. When someone responds with defensiveness, remember that they are reacting from a place of pain. Keep a level head and stick to your values.
- Focus on the problem at hand: Sometimes defensiveness derails the conversation by averting attention elsewhere. Stay focused and remember why you brought up the issue in the first place. What is your goal?
- Clarify your intention: Remember that defensiveness is a reaction to perceived anger or rejection. It may help to clarify that you aren’t angry at them.
- Walk away: Don’t let things escalate to an unnecessary argument. Anyone can walk away from a conversation at any time. State your intention to take a break, and leave it for a few minutes.
If you are continuously dealing with a defensive partner, make sure to set strong boundaries for yourself. Know when you will walk away and when you will stay. Of course, relationship therapy is always an option. Communicating with a defensive person can be exhausting, so make sure you’re taking care of your own mental health.
Become Less Defensive: Take the First Step Today
In conclusion, fostering healthy and fulfilling relationships requires openness, vulnerability, and a willingness to unlearn defensive behaviors. Remember that it's okay to seek help and guidance on this journey towards more authentic connections. If you find yourself struggling to break free from defensive patterns in your relationships, consider reaching out to the compassionate and experienced therapists at Lifebulb. Our relationship therapy services are tailored to help you build stronger communication skills, deepen your emotional intimacy, and cultivate more meaningful connections with your loved ones. Take the first step towards healthier relationships today and embark on a path towards living your brightest life with Lifebulb.
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