The Psychology of Shame: Definition, Symptoms, and How to Cope

What Is Shame?

Shame is at the root of many mental health disorders, and there is no one way to feel it. Instead, shame is a complex reaction to a perceived difference in who you are and who you want to be. It is that pit in your stomach when you think Oh, I shouldn’t have done that. Or the sickening feeling when you look in the mirror and don’t see what society tells you that you should. 

Shame, like all emotions, tells us something. But shame can be tricky. It’s often tied up in other emotions and perceptions about our world or ourselves that aren’t always true. Let’s dive into shame and find out how you can recognize it and how to cope with it.

Is Shame Healthy?

In small doses, shame can be healthy. It acts like a course corrector when you start acting or thinking against your values. There is also a social element: shame is very close to humiliation or embarrassment, which although uncomfortable, has the evolutionary benefit of keeping us in a community. 

However, more and more research is piling up to show the myriad of negative effects shame has on our lives. Shame stops becoming healthy when it becomes internalized. 

When shame is internalized it permeates all your actions and thoughts. Your morals, goals, and values become muddied. It’s the difference between your car beeping when your seatbelt is off—an annoying but necessary reminder to engage in safe behavior— and it beeping all the time—alerting us that something is wrong when nothing is actually wrong. 

Internalized shame is consistently telling you that something is wrong about yourself when that is simply not true. This leads to low self-esteem and self-worth, both of which can lead to mental health disorders.

Shame vs Guilt

Guilt, like shame, is a form of self-criticism. However, guilt is concerned with the morality of actions. It asks the question “Did I do harm?” Guilt questions responsibility. 

Shame, on the other hand, measures the difference between who we want to be and who we actually are. Shame questions identity. 

For example, if you were to cheat on a test and get a good score, you might experience guilt. Cheating is considered immoral in society, and by cheating you harmed your teachers trust, the class grades, and your own education. You might also feel shame, but this is not because you did something wrong. You feel shame because you do not identify as someone who does wrong. 

Another example—you do not cheat on the test but you get a low grade. You did not do anything immoral, so you don’t feel guilt. However, you might still burn with shame. Your low test grade does not match your ideal self. In this example, you might also be feeling humiliated or embarrassed. Many researchers believe these are different types of shame, and we’ll discuss them further below. 

When you feel shame, you’re feeling a lack of power to be your ideal self. When you feel guilt, you’re feeling the power you have to cause harm.

Types of Shame

Shame is a form of self-criticism, so it is likely telling us something about our relationship with our environment and the failure to attain goals in an appropriate way.

Two Main Types

• Transient Shame: Fleeting shame that arises during a situation and passes once the situation concludes. Can be healthy as it alerts us to actions that don’t align with our ideal selves. 
• Chronic shame: Chronic shame sticks around for longer. This is when shame becomes a part of how you see yourself. It tints everything you do, say, and think. Chronic shame negatively impacts self-image, self-worth, and self-esteem and can lead to greater mental health challenges.

External Shame: Shame Around Others

• Humiliation: When we are embarrassed in front of others. Often involves violating a social norm and feeling like one’s social status is at risk. 
• In front of strangers: The fear that strangers will know something is “wrong” with you. This often internalizes shame in social situations and can be a building block for social anxiety. 
• Performance shame: Shame around your abilities, especially when presented to an audience. This can be especially hard on people who have high expectations for themselves.

Internal Shame: Shame About Yourself

• Unrequited love: Love can turn to shame when we feel like we aren’t good enough for another person.
• Disappointment or failure: The simplest form of shame is when we fail to meet our expectations. In that moment of failure, the image of our ideal self is ruined, leading to shame. 
• Internalized shame: One of the most damaging types of shame, this is almost always a chronic shame that becomes embedded into how you view yourself. Instead of feeling shameful about an action, you feel ashamed of yourself. 
• Healthy shame: There is such a thing as healthy shame! Shame can teach you about yourself, your values, and what you need to achieve your goals. It can push you to perform better and reexamine your actions.

Symptoms of Shame

Shame is a powerful emotion that can impact our mental well-being. Here are common symptoms of internalized shame and chronic shame to help you recognize and address it.

1. Persistent self-criticism and negative self-talk
2. Feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy
3. Difficulty accepting compliments or praise
4. Avoidance of social interactions or withdrawal
5. A constant fear of judgment and rejection
6. Intense feelings of embarrassment or guilt
7. Self-isolation and a desire to hide from others
8. Perfectionism and fear of making mistakes
9. Low self-esteem and self-confidence
10. Physical manifestations like increased heart rate or tension

Physical Symptoms of Shame

Shame not only affects our emotions but also manifests in physical sensations, such as: 

1. Increased heart rate or palpitations
2. Muscle tension or tightness
3. Shortness of breath or shallow breathing
4. Rapid or irregular breathing patterns
5. Flushing or blushing of the face
6. Sweating, especially in the palms or forehead
7. Upset stomach or gastrointestinal discomfort
8. Fatigue or low energy levels
9. Headaches or migraines
10. Difficulty sleeping or insomnia

What Causes Shame?

Anything that prevents you from reaching your ideal self can cause shame, but some events are more likely to cause shame than others. For example, not everyone who receives a bad grade on a test will feel ashamed of it. The student who has strict parents and wants to get into a good college will experience more shame than the student who didn’t study and doesn’t care about their grades. This is because for the first student, being a “good” student is a part of their identity. Anything that prevents them from being a good student is stopping them from existing as their ideal self, and that will cause shame. 

While everyone experiences shame differently, common causes of shame include: 

• Childhood trauma or neglect
• Bullying or teasing 
• Unmet high expectations
• Overly identifying with one part of who you are
• Mental health disorders
• Fear of flaws being revealed
• Disappointment or failure 
• Rejection and exclusion from social groups

Mental Health Disorders and Shame

Shame works in relation to mental illness both ways: it is a common symptom and a risk factor. Mental health disorders that are associated with high levels of shame include: 

1. Depression: Depression is a mood disorder that affects millions of people worldwide. It can be characterized by persistent feelings of sadness, loss of interest or pleasure, changes in appetite or sleep patterns, and decreased energy levels. Individuals with depression often experience shame due to low feelings of self-worth. They may also feel ashamed that they can’t just “feel better” or do the things everyone around them can. 
2. Anxiety Disorders: Anxiety disorders encompass a range of conditions, including generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and specific phobias. These disorders can cause excessive worry, fear, and even physical symptoms such as heart palpitations or difficulty breathing. Shame associated with anxiety disorders may arise from misunderstandings about the nature of anxiety and the fear of being judged as weak or incompetent.
3. Social Anxiety: Social anxiety is an embodiment of external shame. People with social anxiety may believe there is something wrong with them that they don't want people to find out about. This causes feelings of shame. 
4. Eating Disorders: Eating disorders, such as anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge eating disorder, are characterized by disturbances in eating behavior and a distorted body image. Shame often accompanies these disorders due to the perception that individuals are solely responsible for the condition or that they should possess more self-control.
5. Substance Use Disorders: Substance use disorders involve the excessive and problematic use of drugs or alcohol, leading to negative consequences in one's life. Shame may arise due to the stigma associated with addiction, implying a lack of willpower or moral failings. However, it's important to realize that addiction is a disease that can affect anyone. Seeking treatment and support can initiate the path to recovery and a brighter future.

If you are struggling with any of these mental health disorders, remember that shame should never discourage you from seeking help. Lifebulb is here to support you in your journey towards living your brightest life. Our committed team of highly educated, experienced, and passionate therapists is ready to guide and empower you. You deserve understanding and care, and together, we can overcome the shame often associated with these conditions. Don't hesitate to reach out and take that important step towards healing.

Other Effects of Shame

Shame doesn’t always lead to a mental health disorder. Other effects of shame can include:

• People pleasing tendencies
• Isolation
• Relationship problems
• Feeling unlovable or empty
• Perfectionism

When Is the Right Time to ee a therapist?

Shame can be healthy, toxic, and everything in between. So how do you know it’s time to see a therapist? If you are experiencing a mental health disorder like depression, anxiety, or an eating disorder, reach out. Therapy can help you address the shame that’s keeping you from healing and growing. 

Therapy can be helpful if you don’t have a mental health disorder as well. If shame makes it difficult for you to sleep, enjoy life, accomplish your goals, or engage socially, reach out to a therapist.

Treatments for Shame

Shame can be a complex and deeply ingrained emotion, but therapy can provide powerful tools and strategies to address and overcome it. Here are some therapy treatments that can help you on your journey towards healing:

1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT focuses on identifying and challenging negative thought patterns and beliefs that contribute to shame. Through this therapy, you'll learn to reframe distorted thoughts, develop self-compassion, and cultivate healthier self-perception.
2. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): ACT combines mindfulness techniques with the exploration of personal values. This therapy helps you develop acceptance of negative emotions and thoughts associated with shame while taking committed actions aligned with your values to create a meaningful life.
3. Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT): CFT helps individuals develop self-compassion and embrace a kinder and more understanding attitude towards themselves. Through this therapy, you'll cultivate self-care, learn to challenge self-critical thoughts and foster a sense of self-worth.
4. Psychodynamic Therapy: Psychodynamic therapy explores the unconscious roots of shame and helps clients develop insight into early life experiences that may have contributed to its development. By addressing underlying emotions and conflicts, this therapy promotes healing and personal growth.
5. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): EMDR is particularly beneficial for individuals who have experienced trauma contributing to feelings of shame. It combines talk therapy with guided eye movements, sounds, or taps to help you process and reframe traumatic memories.

Addressing and overcoming shame through therapy is a courageous and transformative journey. Remember, you deserve healing, self-compassion, and freedom from the burdens of shame. Take the first step towards a brighter future by seeking therapy today.

Coping Mechanisms for Shame

Shame is a common emotion and isn’t going away for good. So how can we cope with shame when it occurs? Our therapists recommend these steps for riding out waves of shame and learning from them: 

1. Recognize it—Become familiar with what shame feels like. Do you feel it in your gut? Your chest? Does it come with a few nasty critical thoughts? Learn to recognize your shame as it starts. 
2. Explore it—Keep a journal and write down your observations about shame. What triggers shame? Is it triggered by an external experience or an internal one? What is my shame trying to tell me? 
3. Accept it—You don’t have to agree with shame, but accept that it is an emotion that will pass, just like sadness, happiness, anger, and fear. It has truth, but is not the truth. As such, it can be observed and let go of. 
4. Talk it out—If you still find yourself stuck in shame, talk to a close friend or family. They can help you rationalize your shame. For example, if your shame says “I can’t believe I failed that test, I’m so stupid.” Your friends and family can remind you of your worth and intelligence. 
5. Reject old beliefs—Sometimes, shame just means it’s time to grow. We might be feeling ashamed for something we no longer believe is necessary. In this case, start to reject your old beliefs about yourself and the world around you and replace them with new beliefs. 

Coping with shame is a complicated experience. When you feel shame or internalized shame, remember to breathe. It’ll pass, and you are stronger than it. 

If you get stuck or want extra support on your journey, reach out to Lifebulb. Our support staff and therapists will be happy to help you overcome shame.

Talk to us

What Is Shame?

Shame is at the root of many mental health disorders, and there is no one way to feel it. Instead, shame is a complex reaction to a perceived difference in who you are and who you want to be. It is that pit in your stomach when you think Oh, I shouldn’t have done that. Or the sickening feeling when you look in the mirror and don’t see what society tells you that you should. 

Shame, like all emotions, tells us something. But shame can be tricky. It’s often tied up in other emotions and perceptions about our world or ourselves that aren’t always true. Let’s dive into shame and find out how you can recognize it and how to cope with it.

Is Shame Healthy?

In small doses, shame can be healthy. It acts like a course corrector when you start acting or thinking against your values. There is also a social element: shame is very close to humiliation or embarrassment, which although uncomfortable, has the evolutionary benefit of keeping us in a community. 

However, more and more research is piling up to show the myriad of negative effects shame has on our lives. Shame stops becoming healthy when it becomes internalized. 

When shame is internalized it permeates all your actions and thoughts. Your morals, goals, and values become muddied. It’s the difference between your car beeping when your seatbelt is off—an annoying but necessary reminder to engage in safe behavior— and it beeping all the time—alerting us that something is wrong when nothing is actually wrong. 

Internalized shame is consistently telling you that something is wrong about yourself when that is simply not true. This leads to low self-esteem and self-worth, both of which can lead to mental health disorders.

Shame vs Guilt

Guilt, like shame, is a form of self-criticism. However, guilt is concerned with the morality of actions. It asks the question “Did I do harm?” Guilt questions responsibility. 

Shame, on the other hand, measures the difference between who we want to be and who we actually are. Shame questions identity. 

For example, if you were to cheat on a test and get a good score, you might experience guilt. Cheating is considered immoral in society, and by cheating you harmed your teachers trust, the class grades, and your own education. You might also feel shame, but this is not because you did something wrong. You feel shame because you do not identify as someone who does wrong. 

Another example—you do not cheat on the test but you get a low grade. You did not do anything immoral, so you don’t feel guilt. However, you might still burn with shame. Your low test grade does not match your ideal self. In this example, you might also be feeling humiliated or embarrassed. Many researchers believe these are different types of shame, and we’ll discuss them further below. 

When you feel shame, you’re feeling a lack of power to be your ideal self. When you feel guilt, you’re feeling the power you have to cause harm.

Types of Shame

Shame is a form of self-criticism, so it is likely telling us something about our relationship with our environment and the failure to attain goals in an appropriate way.

Two Main Types

• Transient Shame: Fleeting shame that arises during a situation and passes once the situation concludes. Can be healthy as it alerts us to actions that don’t align with our ideal selves. 
• Chronic shame: Chronic shame sticks around for longer. This is when shame becomes a part of how you see yourself. It tints everything you do, say, and think. Chronic shame negatively impacts self-image, self-worth, and self-esteem and can lead to greater mental health challenges.

External Shame: Shame Around Others

• Humiliation: When we are embarrassed in front of others. Often involves violating a social norm and feeling like one’s social status is at risk. 
• In front of strangers: The fear that strangers will know something is “wrong” with you. This often internalizes shame in social situations and can be a building block for social anxiety. 
• Performance shame: Shame around your abilities, especially when presented to an audience. This can be especially hard on people who have high expectations for themselves.

Internal Shame: Shame About Yourself

• Unrequited love: Love can turn to shame when we feel like we aren’t good enough for another person.
• Disappointment or failure: The simplest form of shame is when we fail to meet our expectations. In that moment of failure, the image of our ideal self is ruined, leading to shame. 
• Internalized shame: One of the most damaging types of shame, this is almost always a chronic shame that becomes embedded into how you view yourself. Instead of feeling shameful about an action, you feel ashamed of yourself. 
• Healthy shame: There is such a thing as healthy shame! Shame can teach you about yourself, your values, and what you need to achieve your goals. It can push you to perform better and reexamine your actions.

Symptoms of Shame

Shame is a powerful emotion that can impact our mental well-being. Here are common symptoms of internalized shame and chronic shame to help you recognize and address it.

1. Persistent self-criticism and negative self-talk
2. Feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy
3. Difficulty accepting compliments or praise
4. Avoidance of social interactions or withdrawal
5. A constant fear of judgment and rejection
6. Intense feelings of embarrassment or guilt
7. Self-isolation and a desire to hide from others
8. Perfectionism and fear of making mistakes
9. Low self-esteem and self-confidence
10. Physical manifestations like increased heart rate or tension

Physical Symptoms of Shame

Shame not only affects our emotions but also manifests in physical sensations, such as: 

1. Increased heart rate or palpitations
2. Muscle tension or tightness
3. Shortness of breath or shallow breathing
4. Rapid or irregular breathing patterns
5. Flushing or blushing of the face
6. Sweating, especially in the palms or forehead
7. Upset stomach or gastrointestinal discomfort
8. Fatigue or low energy levels
9. Headaches or migraines
10. Difficulty sleeping or insomnia

What Causes Shame?

Anything that prevents you from reaching your ideal self can cause shame, but some events are more likely to cause shame than others. For example, not everyone who receives a bad grade on a test will feel ashamed of it. The student who has strict parents and wants to get into a good college will experience more shame than the student who didn’t study and doesn’t care about their grades. This is because for the first student, being a “good” student is a part of their identity. Anything that prevents them from being a good student is stopping them from existing as their ideal self, and that will cause shame. 

While everyone experiences shame differently, common causes of shame include: 

• Childhood trauma or neglect
• Bullying or teasing 
• Unmet high expectations
• Overly identifying with one part of who you are
• Mental health disorders
• Fear of flaws being revealed
• Disappointment or failure 
• Rejection and exclusion from social groups

Mental Health Disorders and Shame

Shame works in relation to mental illness both ways: it is a common symptom and a risk factor. Mental health disorders that are associated with high levels of shame include: 

1. Depression: Depression is a mood disorder that affects millions of people worldwide. It can be characterized by persistent feelings of sadness, loss of interest or pleasure, changes in appetite or sleep patterns, and decreased energy levels. Individuals with depression often experience shame due to low feelings of self-worth. They may also feel ashamed that they can’t just “feel better” or do the things everyone around them can. 
2. Anxiety Disorders: Anxiety disorders encompass a range of conditions, including generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and specific phobias. These disorders can cause excessive worry, fear, and even physical symptoms such as heart palpitations or difficulty breathing. Shame associated with anxiety disorders may arise from misunderstandings about the nature of anxiety and the fear of being judged as weak or incompetent.
3. Social Anxiety: Social anxiety is an embodiment of external shame. People with social anxiety may believe there is something wrong with them that they don't want people to find out about. This causes feelings of shame. 
4. Eating Disorders: Eating disorders, such as anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and binge eating disorder, are characterized by disturbances in eating behavior and a distorted body image. Shame often accompanies these disorders due to the perception that individuals are solely responsible for the condition or that they should possess more self-control.
5. Substance Use Disorders: Substance use disorders involve the excessive and problematic use of drugs or alcohol, leading to negative consequences in one's life. Shame may arise due to the stigma associated with addiction, implying a lack of willpower or moral failings. However, it's important to realize that addiction is a disease that can affect anyone. Seeking treatment and support can initiate the path to recovery and a brighter future.

If you are struggling with any of these mental health disorders, remember that shame should never discourage you from seeking help. Lifebulb is here to support you in your journey towards living your brightest life. Our committed team of highly educated, experienced, and passionate therapists is ready to guide and empower you. You deserve understanding and care, and together, we can overcome the shame often associated with these conditions. Don't hesitate to reach out and take that important step towards healing.

Other Effects of Shame

Shame doesn’t always lead to a mental health disorder. Other effects of shame can include:

• People pleasing tendencies
• Isolation
• Relationship problems
• Feeling unlovable or empty
• Perfectionism

Treatments for Shame

Shame can be a complex and deeply ingrained emotion, but therapy can provide powerful tools and strategies to address and overcome it. Here are some therapy treatments that can help you on your journey towards healing:

1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT focuses on identifying and challenging negative thought patterns and beliefs that contribute to shame. Through this therapy, you'll learn to reframe distorted thoughts, develop self-compassion, and cultivate healthier self-perception.
2. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): ACT combines mindfulness techniques with the exploration of personal values. This therapy helps you develop acceptance of negative emotions and thoughts associated with shame while taking committed actions aligned with your values to create a meaningful life.
3. Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT): CFT helps individuals develop self-compassion and embrace a kinder and more understanding attitude towards themselves. Through this therapy, you'll cultivate self-care, learn to challenge self-critical thoughts and foster a sense of self-worth.
4. Psychodynamic Therapy: Psychodynamic therapy explores the unconscious roots of shame and helps clients develop insight into early life experiences that may have contributed to its development. By addressing underlying emotions and conflicts, this therapy promotes healing and personal growth.
5. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): EMDR is particularly beneficial for individuals who have experienced trauma contributing to feelings of shame. It combines talk therapy with guided eye movements, sounds, or taps to help you process and reframe traumatic memories.

Addressing and overcoming shame through therapy is a courageous and transformative journey. Remember, you deserve healing, self-compassion, and freedom from the burdens of shame. Take the first step towards a brighter future by seeking therapy today.

Coping Mechanisms for Shame

Shame is a common emotion and isn’t going away for good. So how can we cope with shame when it occurs? Our therapists recommend these steps for riding out waves of shame and learning from them: 

1. Recognize it—Become familiar with what shame feels like. Do you feel it in your gut? Your chest? Does it come with a few nasty critical thoughts? Learn to recognize your shame as it starts. 
2. Explore it—Keep a journal and write down your observations about shame. What triggers shame? Is it triggered by an external experience or an internal one? What is my shame trying to tell me? 
3. Accept it—You don’t have to agree with shame, but accept that it is an emotion that will pass, just like sadness, happiness, anger, and fear. It has truth, but is not the truth. As such, it can be observed and let go of. 
4. Talk it out—If you still find yourself stuck in shame, talk to a close friend or family. They can help you rationalize your shame. For example, if your shame says “I can’t believe I failed that test, I’m so stupid.” Your friends and family can remind you of your worth and intelligence. 
5. Reject old beliefs—Sometimes, shame just means it’s time to grow. We might be feeling ashamed for something we no longer believe is necessary. In this case, start to reject your old beliefs about yourself and the world around you and replace them with new beliefs. 

Coping with shame is a complicated experience. When you feel shame or internalized shame, remember to breathe. It’ll pass, and you are stronger than it. 

If you get stuck or want extra support on your journey, reach out to Lifebulb. Our support staff and therapists will be happy to help you overcome shame.

When Is the Right Time to See a Therapist?

Shame can be healthy, toxic, and everything in between. So how do you know it’s time to see a therapist? If you are experiencing a mental health disorder like depression, anxiety, or an eating disorder, reach out. Therapy can help you address the shame that’s keeping you from healing and growing. 

Therapy can be helpful if you don’t have a mental health disorder as well. If shame makes it difficult for you to sleep, enjoy life, accomplish your goals, or engage socially, reach out to a therapist.

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