Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a type of personality disorder marked by an inflated sense of self, need for attention, and narcissistic traits. Not everyone with high levels of narcissism is a Narcissist in this way, and not everyone who has NPD will be abusive or manipulative. However, rates of coercion, manipulation, and emotional abuse are higher in a relationship in which one partner has high rates of narcissism. (This is a phenomenon called Narcissistic Abuse.)
If a narcissist is targeting you, what can you do? Sometimes it’s impossible to avoid them, like if they are a coworker, boss, or family member. In these cases, simply leaving the relationship may not be an option. Instead, you’ll need to find a way to protect yourself.
In this article, we’ll cover 9 ways you can deal with a narcissist and how to respond after a narcissist attacks you.
Recognize the Signs of Narcissism
Narcissists thrive when they have control and attention, and they aren’t afraid of manipulating others to get it. It’s important, therefore, to know the signs of narcissism and when you’re being targeted. Remember that narcissists are good at manipulation, and the signs of it can be difficult to spot. If you recognize these signs in your relationship, you might be dealing with a narcissist:
- Grandiosity: Narcissism may lead some to believe they are superior to others and deserving of special treatment.
- Lack of Empathy: Individuals with NPD may struggle to recognize or understand the feelings and needs of others.
- Need for Admiration: People with narcissistic tendencies often seek constant admiration and validation from others to boost their self-esteem.
- Sense of Entitlement: Narcissistic individuals may have an exaggerated sense of entitlement, expecting others to meet their needs without reciprocation.
- Manipulative Behavior: Narcissism can involve manipulative behaviors, such as exploiting others for personal gain or manipulating situations to maintain a sense of control.
- Difficulty Accepting Criticism: Individuals with narcissistic traits may react strongly to criticism or feedback, becoming defensive or angry when their actions are questioned.
Look out for common manipulation techniques like the silent treatment, love bombing, belittling, or gaslighting, among others.
Build Your Self-Esteem
A narcissist will try to tear you down until you feel like you have to rely on them for emotional support. This can cause a trauma bond in which cycles of abuse and love bombing draw you closer to your abuser.
There are a few ways to avoid this, one of them being to build your self-esteem. If you are strongly rooted in yourself, you won’t be as easily swayed by a manipulator’s tactics. You can read more about how to increase your self-esteem in this article, but some basic tactics include:
- Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself, acknowledge your strengths, and treat yourself with the same empathy and understanding you would offer to a friend.
- Set Realistic Goals: Establish achievable goals and celebrate your progress, recognizing that success comes in many forms, both big and small.
- Surround Yourself with Supportive People: Cultivate relationships with individuals who uplift and encourage you, creating a positive and nurturing environment. If you can’t get away from a narcissistic person, make sure you’re also surrounding yourself with loving, supportive people.
- Challenge Negative Self-Talk: Identify and challenge negative thoughts, replacing them with true, positive self-statements to reframe your mindset. If you can’t get yourself to believe these true statements, start with neutral statements. For example, negative self-talk sounds like “I’m a horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good.” Positive self-talk would be “I’ve done the best I can, and I deserve good things just like everyone else.” Neutral self-talk would look like “I am human, and all humans make mistakes.”
- Engage in Activities You Enjoy: Pursue activities that bring you joy and a sense of accomplishment, fostering a positive sense of self-worth.
- Take Care of Your Physical Health: Prioritize regular exercise, healthy eating, and sufficient rest, as physical well-being can significantly impact self-esteem.
- Seek Professional Support: Consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance, validation, and strategies to improve your self-esteem.
If you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, talking to a therapist can help.
Set Boundaries
Creating healthy boundaries can be difficult. (Read this guide for a deep dive on how to set boundaries.) Boundaries are important because they protect your autonomy, which is something a narcissist will try to steal. When dealing with a narcissist, always set healthy boundaries. Here are some tips:
- Start early, if possible.
- Use “I” statements.
- Be specific.
- Stand your ground. Try not to be manipulated once you’ve decided on a boundary you want to hold.
- Have a plan for when boundaries are crossed. Hold them accountable!
Get others to back up your boundaries if you can. Remember that you deserve the right to your autonomy and independence. Taking steps to protect those things does not make you the villain.
Build Strong Emotional Regulation Skills
It isn’t always fair, but when you're dealing with a narcissist, you’ll have to be better at emotional regulation than they are. People with NPD are typically not good at emotional regulation, and often feel controlled by their emotions and needs, which push them to manipulate and control others.
When dealing with a narcissist, it’s important to always have a strong hold on your emotions. Getting angry, frustrated, and overwhelmed is where they want you to be, because it allows them to manipulate you more easily. Instead, practice skills that allow you to stay calm and collected.
Examples of emotional regulation skills include:
- Color Scanning: Scan the room from left to right, noticing all the times you see the color red. Do the same for orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple.
- Box Breathing: Breathe deeply for 4 seconds. Hold your breath for 4 seconds. Breathe out for a count of 4. Hold your breath for another 4 seconds. Repeat until you feel calm.
- Finger tapping: Tap your middle finger to your palm on your right hand. Do the same on your left. Repeat at a slow, comfortable pace.
- Taking space: When it doubt, walk it out! Ask for some space to think and take as much time as you need. Make sure you do revisit the conversation later, when you’re in a calmer space.
- Naming what you feel: Simply naming the emotion can help you stay in control. Use an emotion wheel to help you get specific.
Choose one or two skills and practice them daily.
Find a Support System
Being targeted by a narcissist can be a lonely experience. Not to mention the gaslighting that might make you question your own reality. When dealing with a narcissist, it’s always a good idea to find a support system that truly supports you. This could be family, friends, a hobby group, religious organization, or even an online group.
Hold Them Accountable
Narcissists love to make promises, but most of them are empty. If you love a narcissist and are trying to make a relationship work, make sure you’re holding them accountable to follow through with their promises. If they say they’re going to start going to therapy, for example, make sure they are. Don’t accept apologies for not getting something done.
Encourage Them to Attend Therapy
It is possible to heal from NPD with therapy. Many narcissists find therapy helpful at healing the inner wounds that cause narcissistic traits. Most people with a personality disorder experienced some kind of childhood trauma, and addressing that trauma and their maladaptive behaviors can help them heal and form healthier relationships.
You can’t force anyone to heal or go to therapy. If a narcissist keeps making promises to see a therapist but never does, it might be time to terminate the relationship or find other ways of coping with their behavior. Someone with narcissism must want to be better in order for change to happen.
Go to Therapy Yourself
Narcissistic Abuse can happen in relationships with a narcissistic person. This is a form of abuse that is usually emotionally manipulative in nature and can have long-term impacts on your mental health. If you are being attacked by a narcissist and have been for some time, talk to a therapist. They can help you understand what is happening to you and find a way out.
Have a Safety Plan
A safety plan is a contingency plan in case abusive behavior escalates. In case of emergencies, you can enact this plan to get yourself out of a dangerous situation safely.
A therapist can help you form a safety plan. If you are dealing with a narcissist, reach out to Lifebulb. Our therapists can help you find safety and healing.
