What Is Toxic Criticism in a Relationship? Exploring the 4th Horsemen of Divorce

What Is Criticism in a Relationship?

The Gottmans describe criticism as the first horseman. It often shows up before the other three, which means it is the easiest to stop and reverse course before long-lasting harm can come to the relationship. 

Criticism is different from complaints or critiques. Complaints and critiques are important aspects of good communication. We all make mistakes and calling out your partner on a mistake they made and how it made you feel is important to a well-rounded and healthy relationship in which both partners feel heard. 

Criticism is a hostile attack on a partner’s character. The purpose isn’t to build bridges or communicate; the purpose is to tear the other person down. It is often rooted in anger, annoyance, and resentment. Ongoing critiques may turn into criticism if they are not addressed.

What Are Examples of Criticism in a Relationship?

Some examples of criticism in a relationship include:

• Name-Calling: Using hurtful labels or derogatory terms to criticize your partner's behavior or character. “You’re so lazy!”
• Constant Judgments: Making frequent negative judgments about your partner's actions, appearance, or choices. “I can’t believe you chose that outfit again. Do you even try?”
• Comparison to Others: Continually comparing your partner to others, highlighting perceived flaws or shortcomings. “My ex would have never forgotten this event.”
• Invalidation: Dismissing your partner's feelings, thoughts, or experiences as unwarranted or exaggerated. “You’re so selfish, stop talking about your emotions!”
• Nagging: Repeatedly bringing up the same issues or concerns in a condescending or belittling manner. “How many times do I have to tell you to put your socks in the laundry hamper? A 2-year-old could do it!”
• Blame-Shifting: Refusing to take responsibility for mistakes or problems, and instead blaming your partner. “If you weren’t home late all the time, I might not be grumpy all the time. All you do is think about yourself. You never think of me.”
• Demeaning Remarks: Using sarcasm, sarcasm, or belittling comments to criticize your partner's decisions or abilities. “I’m sure you’ll be great at that. It went so well last time.”
• Unrealistic Expectations: Setting unattainable standards for your partner and criticizing them for not meeting these expectations. “I told you that I wanted to have dinner together every single night. You can’t just run off to your friend’s house whenever you want.”
• Public Criticism: Criticizing or humiliating your partner in front of others, causing embarrassment or shame. “They aren’t quite house-trained. Still working on the basics.”

Some of these examples might border on real issues that need to be addressed. For example, having a partner who never pitches in with the housework and doesn’t put their socks in the dirty laundry hamper after being asked repeatedly is exhausting, frustrating, and definitely a problem. However, criticism is a passive-aggressive way to address the issue and often ends up making it way worse. 

If you’ve tried to communicate to your partner about these issues without any luck, consider talking to a couples therapist.

What Causes Criticism in a Relationship?

Criticism can be caused by a number of factors. Maybe you saw critical behavior modelled for you as a child, and you think that’s how you should communicate. Maybe it’s an issue that’s been unresolved for a while now, and you’re at your wits' end. It could be a coping mechanism to intense stress or feeling out of control. And it could be a response to your partner being critical of you. 

There are many causes of criticism in a relationship, and some of them are valid. However, criticisms unchecked will invite defensiveness, stonewalling, and eventually contempt into your relationship, which could result in the end of your relationship. 

Is Criticism Okay in a Relationship?

Criticism is often misunderstood as complaints. One of them is a healthy way to let your partner know that you aren’t happy with something they did or said. Another is a pointed attack on your partner’s character that is not focused on problem solving but rather making your partner feel bad. 

This might not be a conscious choice. You probably didn’t wake up today and think “Wow, I can’t wait to make my partner cry.” Instead, the need for control, anger issues, or getting fed up with your partner’s behavior all feed into a snappy critical remark. 

How to Have Healthy Criticism

Have some compassion for yourself if you think you are a critical person. As we saw above, there are many reasons why you might behave that way. What’s important now is that you and your partner work together to root out criticism and replace it with healthy communication. 

At the root of a lot of criticism is a real problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed. When you want to be critical of your partner, then, ask yourself what the problem is. What are you trying to say? What do you want them to do or stop doing? From there, you can reword your criticism into a healthier statement and begin problem solving using these steps. 

• Use "I" Statements: Express your feelings and concerns using "I" statements to focus on your emotions rather than blaming your partner. 
  • For example: “I feel like you don’t prioritize me when you come home late from work all the time. 
• Offer Constructive Feedback: Provide feedback in a constructive and supportive manner, focusing on specific behaviors rather than general criticisms.
  • For example: “We had agreed to having dinner together every night. It seems like that’s too much to ask with your work schedule. What if we tried to have a date night every week instead?”
• Practice Active Listening: Truly listen to your partner's perspective without interrupting or preparing your response, showing understanding and empathy.
  • For example: “What do you think?”
• Express Appreciation: Balance criticisms with expressions of appreciation and gratitude for your partner's positive qualities and efforts.
  • For example: “I appreciate how much work you’ve been putting in at the office. I know how much your career means to you and how much the finances help around here.”
• Choose the Right Time and Place: Find a suitable time and private setting to discuss concerns calmly and respectfully.
• Seek Clarification: Ask questions to clarify your partner's intentions or feelings to avoid misunderstandings and assumptions.
  • For example: “I feel like you work late to avoid me, but I want to understand where you’re coming from. Why have you been working so late?” 
• Maintain Open Communication: Encourage ongoing dialogue and communication in your relationship to address issues as they arise.
• Respect Differences: Embrace and respect your partner's individuality and differences, recognizing that not all criticisms may warrant change.
  • For example: “I understand that you value your job more than I do my own. Can we come to a compromise about our evenings so that you can still work late when you need to and we can still have one-on-one time throughout the week?”  
• Practice Forgiveness: Cultivate a spirit of forgiveness and understanding in your relationship to promote healing and growth.
  • For example: “It sounds like you have a really busy week, so I understand why you couldn’t make it to dinner. Let’s try again tomorrow?”

Remember, healthy criticism is about fostering growth, understanding, and connection in your relationship. By approaching criticisms with empathy, respect, and a focus on constructive solutions, you can nurture a positive and supportive partnership. Your journey toward healthier communication and relationships is a step toward living your brightest life.

Sometimes issues will persist despite healthy communication. When this happens, you might need to loop in a couple's therapist. Couples and marriage counselors can help you work through chronic issues, communication issues, criticism, and more. 

If you’re ready to see a couples therapist, contact Lifebulb’s support team or browse our list of therapists near you. 

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