41% of first marriages end in divorce, 60% of second marriages end in divorce, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. What can you do to avoid these statistics? Marriage therapy is one option for struggling couples. Marital counseling, both online and in-person, has proven to be an effective tool in lengthening marriages and addressing marital conflicts.
How can you ensure the success of your marriage through marriage therapy? Read on to learn more.
How Long Do Most Marriages Last?
Most divorces occur around 8 years after marriage. This matches what relationship therapists know about the “seven-year itch”, a common phrase used to describe a phase of relationships punctuated by fighting, straying away from each other, and miscommunication issues. For some couples, this is the phase where affairs start as well.
The “seven-year itch” and the following divorce around year 8 follow the 4 phases of relationships: the Euphoric Stage, Early Attachment, the Crisis Stage, and Deep Attachment. The common “seven-year itch” falls around the Crisis Stage. If couples can work through their differences, they enter what relationship counselors call “Deep Attachment”. This period is not devoid of difficulties or relationship stress but is marked by healthy communication and teamwork that helps couples navigate arguments.
It is important to note that not every relationship will follow this trend. Life situations can increase individual and relationship stress at any point during a relationship, which may put more strain on your relationship.
Does Marriage Counseling Work?
If you find yourself in the middle of a Crisis Stage or having a hard time in general with your spouse, you may have considered marriage counseling. Undoubtedly, one of the questions you’ve asked each other is, well, does marriage counseling even work?
The good news is that, yes. Overwhelmingly, couples counseling leaves couples happier and healthier. Around 70% of couples who start marriage counseling leave with a healthier relationship and good coping mechanisms that will help them navigate future problems.
That does leave 30% of couples for whom couples counseling did not work. How do you know which group you’ll be a part of? It’s impossible to tell before trying, but there are some signs you can look for in your marriage.
Signs Marriage Counseling Will Work
There are no prerequisites for attending therapy, but there are some things that can help you and your partner be successful in marriage therapy:
- You both want to be there: Nothing is more telling of the success of marital counseling than the willingness of both participants. If both spouses are not willing to examine their behavior, change, grow, and support one another, marriage counseling will not work. If, however, there is an eagerness to fight for the relationship on both sides, then the chances of you staying together in a healthy marriage are very likely.
- You practice what you learn: Some couples treat the therapy office and their home life differently, but this won’t help you when trying to save a marriage from divorce. What you learn in therapy should be applied to your home life.
- You don’t hide things from your therapist: There is no need to put on a perfectly healthy facade in front of your marriage therapist; they are here to help you grow as a couple, not judge you. If you aren’t being fully honest with your therapist, you likely aren’t being fully honest with each other, and trust is the cornerstone of healthy and successful relationships.
If you don’t come in with a perfect mindset right off the bat, don’t worry. Therapy can help you develop these traits. The most important aspect of marriage therapy’s success is the willingness to grow.
Why Does Marriage Counseling Fail?
Even the most harmful, unhealthy relationships can grow into something healthy and stable if given the right effort and chance to heal. No therapist is going to turn away a couple because they think their case is hopeless; there is always room to grow.
However, if a spouse or both spouses refuse to work on themselves and address harmful behavior, marriage counseling will not work. Signs marriage counseling won’t work include:
- You’re looking to win an argument, not find a solution: Some couples wrongly come to couples therapy so a marital counselor can tell them who is “right”. This is the wrong mindset and will only result in more arguments.
- You’re not willing to look at your own behavior: Another reason marriage therapy doesn’t work is because couples are too busy pointing the blame finger to stop and consider their own behavior. Self-reflection is key to successful therapy.
- You’re not willing to let go of conflicting interests: Couples counseling will involve compromise. Marriage is a give-and-take, and although the goal of marriage therapy is to help you both live 100% satisfying lives, sacrifices are occasionally needed to get there. For example, sometimes things like a financially draining shopping addiction, drug and alcohol use, affairs, or destructive hobbies have to go to salvage the relationship. Although these sacrifices are relationship-dependent, and should always be discussed with your marital counselor first, people who are completely unwilling to sacrifice anything are less likely to have successful marriage counseling.
None of these signs are a sure-fire end to your relationship. Everyone is different, and every relationship is different. More than that, relationships can be hard! Don’t feel bad if you’ve been struggling lately, the struggle is part of the process. With the right mindset and a good marriage therapist, you can forge a healthier and stronger bond.
How to Have a Successful Marriage Therapy Session
Effective marital counseling requires work and commitment. Marriage therapy is especially effective for couples who do these things:
- Agree on going to marriage therapy together: Although not always possible, marriage counseling is always easier and more effective when both parties are 100% willing.
- Define your goals beforehand: Coming together to decide what you want your relationship to look like and what is keeping you from getting there can be incredibly helpful. It may be difficult to do before seeing a marriage counselor though, so don’t worry if you can’t agree on the exact terms.
- Practice what you learn: Marriage therapy has to be taken home. If you’re not practicing communication skills, building intimacy skills, or having empathy towards your partner outside of the therapy office, it will be hard to move forward as a couple.
- Be honest: With yourself, your partner, and your marriage therapist! Your marital counselor can’t help you if they're not talking to the real you, so be honest about your struggles, thoughts, and emotions.
- Consider trauma and other mental health concerns: Trauma, anxiety, depression, substance use, and other mental health issues can have a big strain on a marriage. Some people come into marriage therapy only wanting to work on their marriage, not realizing that relationship health and mental health are closely intertwined.
So, can marriage therapy save your marriage? It depends, but the statistics are in your favor. Marriage counseling can be rewarding and set you and your partner up for decades of a healthy, happy relationship. If you want to see an online marriage counselor near you, reach out to Lifebulb to be matched with a relationship counselor who meets your needs.