Are Relationships Supposed to Be Hard? When to Stick It Out and When to Leave

Healthy reasons why relationships are hard work

Nothing is built overnight; good things take hard work. The same is true with relationships. When you’re living and building a life with a whole other person, conflict is bound to arise. Working through that conflict isn’t always going to be pleasant. It might be stressful or uncomfortable at times.

Relationships take work. There’s no way around that fact. So how do you know if hard work is healthy? Here are six healthy reasons why relationships take work.

1. You’ve put a lot of time into healing and strengthening your relationship: Although your partnership should be a place of rest, it isn’t always restful. The hard work involved in a relationship may have you staying up later, having difficult conversations, resolving conflicts, and going out of your way to show love or receive love from your partner. All of these things might put a strain on you, but aren’t necessarily bad things. 
2. You’re problem-solving together: When you’re single, you can make a decision and that’s that. When you’re in a relationship, you have to meld a lot (although not all) of your decisions with another person. That can take energy to problem-solve and compromise. 
3. You feel comfortable enough to have hard days: Sometimes relationships feel hard because you’re letting your partner see your messy side. Being emotionally intimate means allowing each other space to get frustrated, irritable, and exhausted. So if you’re feeling a host of negative emotions, ask yourself if those emotions are directed at your partner or if you have built a safe space with your partner to express and vent these uncomfortable emotions. 
4. You’re being vulnerable: Being emotionally and physically vulnerable can take its toll! Human brains are hardwired to sense danger in everything, so taking down your guard can be taxing. Relationships can seem hard because of the work it takes to be vulnerable, even though being vulnerable is a crucial part of a healthy relationship. 
5. Emotional intimacy requires working through past traumas: We all carry baggage, and a good relationship will help you unpack that. However, working through previous hurts and traumas can be triggering and exhausting. 
6. Supporting your partner through a physical or mental health issue: Sometimes, external issues like health concerns make relationships a little bit more difficult. These aren’t a fault of you, your partner, or your relationship. 

These are a few healthy situations in which a relationship requires hard work. Next, let's look at some examples of unhealthy situations.

Unhealthy reasons why a relationship is hard work

If you experience the below reasons, you’re probably pushing a boulder up a hill just to watch it roll back down again. You’re putting a lot of effort into a relationship that is badly balanced, and the hard work you’re putting in isn’t leading to anything sustainable. Instead, you’re burning yourself out. 

However, the below scenarios aren’t hopeless. You can refine how you work within a relationship to have healthier outcomes. 

Here are six unhealthy reasons why relationships take work. 

1. Communication Issues: When you don’t communicate effectively with your partner, your effort has to work twice as hard, leading to frustration, miscommunication, and burnout. Not everyone communicates the same way, and while that’s okay, you and your partner need to find a way to communicate that works for the both of you. 
2. Differences in Expectations: If one of you thinks this is a short term relationship, and the other is ready to tie the knot, conflict is sure to arise. A fling, casual hookup, or short-term relationship doesn’t need the same work and effort as a long-term, committed one. If you feel like you’re working harder than your partner, make sure it’s not because they want something else. 
3. Uneven workload: A relationship doesn’t need to always be 50/50, but if one person is consistently doing more work there’s a problem. This imbalance in work effort could be in chores, parenting, finances, or in romantic outreach and problem solving. If one partner is always reaching out to plan dates, initiate intimacy, or start conversations, an imbalance in work is sure to arise. 
4. Feeling unloved: The tell-tale sign of an overworked partner is that they don’t feel loved. If you feel like you’re putting in way more work than your partner, and aren’t getting any in return, those feelings will fester into resentment. If you don’t feel loved—speak up! There may be an easy solution that will save you both a lot of heartache. 
5. You’re accommodating unhealthy flaws: It’s unrealistic to expect people to be perfect when you start dating them. While grace is an important part of any well-balanced relationship, continuously accommodating their flaws is an easy way to burn yourself out. Accommodating their flaws or waiting for them to change results in you putting in more work than they are, leading to an imbalanced relationship. 
6. Diametrically opposed values: You’re unlikely to find someone who shares all of your values. So it’s important to know what values you aren’t budging on. If you and your partner have opposing values and are not willing to compromise on them, you may be fighting a losing battle in your relationship. For example, wanting to have children is not always a value people are willing to compromise on, and trying to do so can result in many months of hard work without any payoff. 

Sometimes, hard work doesn’t pay off. If you’re putting all that effort into a toxic relationship or a relationship that isn’t going the same direction your partner thinks it is, it’s likely hard work that isn’t paying off.

Five signs you’re working too hard in your relationship

There’s nothing wrong with working hard, but there is such a thing as working too hard for a relationship that has already failed. Signs you might be putting energy into something already over include:  

1. You’re constantly scared of or talking about breaking up. 
2. You feel burnt out, anxious, or depressed.
3. Your friends and family question the relationship.
4. You have a list of grievances, but never talk about them. 
5. You’re not acting like yourself, or are putting your partner's needs so far ahead of your own that you’ve stopped feeling like yourself. 

If you don’t recognize yourself in your relationship (and don’t like the person you’ve become), that’s the biggest sign your relationship isn’t healthy for you. You can’t pour everything you are into someone else and expect them to be right for you; you’ll just end up burning out yourself.

Why are relationships hard?

Wouldn’t it be easier if relationships were easy? Why can’t love be enough? We’re too human for that, and our human tendencies get in the way. Relationships are hard work because they involve two humans with different backgrounds, personalities, dreams, coping mechanisms, and way of doing life. The five biggest reasons for a relationship’s hard work are: 

1. Communication styles differ
2. Attachment styles differ 
3. Love languages differ 
4. Emotional baggage/trauma 
5. Differences in values 

None of those are insurmountable. With honest and simultaneous effort towards a mutual goal and support for one another, these difficulties can be overcome. But, only if:  

1. Both partners are willing to put in the work. 
2. You’re ready to be vulnerable 
3. You’re willing to communicate. . . everything. 
4. You’re ready to change your behavior. 
5. You’re ready to be honest with yourself. 

The hard work that leads to healthy relationships includes honesty, transparency, vulnerability, and communication. When you’re working towards these things with a partner who’s doing the same, hard work in a relationship becomes a little less hard.

Can couples therapy help save my relationship?

Couples therapy cannot guarantee your relationship's longevity. The goal of couples counseling is to help partners work through their problems, to whatever end. A couples therapist will help you identify conflicts and unhealthy patterns in your relationship and coach you and your partner through resolving them. Sometimes, through this process, you find your partner doesn't want to change or put in the same work you are. At that point, you have to ask yourself: Is it worth it to stick it out and try to work harder, or is it time to leave? 

Only you can answer that question. But a couples counselor can give you tips along the way. Together, you, your partner, and a couples therapist will turn the relationship’s hard work into healthy work. 

Check here for other tips for healthy relationships.