7 Tips for Improving Intimacy in Marriage

Types of intimacy

Depending on who you ask, there may be four, five, or ten types of intimacy. In truth, intimacy is as varied as the human experience is. Merriam-Webster defines intimacy as “something of a personal or private nature” or “familiarity”. In a world where we spend so much time in our own heads, intimacy is that shared connection that is unique between two people. 

With that definition, there can be infinite types of intimacy, from the minuscule to the large. For ease and clarity, however, we’ll describe the broadest 5 types of intimacy that most marriages struggle with at some point or another. 

Types of intimacy: 

• Physical Intimacy: Kisses, cuddles, hand holding, back massages, and, yes, sex. Physical intimacy is the most talked about type of intimacy and is the act of being physically intimate with one another. It is a private, special thing that people in relationships do to feel connected and comfortable to one another. Physical intimacy involves a level of vulnerability that can be hard for some people. 
• Emotional Intimacy: Emotional intimacy is often at the root of physical intimacy challenges. Emotional intimacy is the trust, awe, love, and respect that a relationship has. It’s the feeling of coming home and knowing you can fully relax and be yourself, or getting in a disagreement and feeling secure that you’ll work out problems together. It’s saying “I’ve just been really down lately” or “I’ve been so scared” and knowing you have someone to help you through it. 
• Intellectual (Mental) Intimacy: Mental intimacy is the exchange of thoughts, ideas, and dreams together. It’s staying up late talking to each other about your thoughts, building future plans together, and discussing all the little interests that get you excited. People with strong intellectual intimacy are likely to talk about how their partner challenges them, makes them think, and helps them reach their goals. 
• Spiritual Intimacy: Spiritual intimacy can include a shared religion and beliefs, but it doesn’t have to. Spiritual Intimacy is about feeling safe enough to share your thoughts about the world, existence, religions, and spirituality and all that it entails. It’s about sharing a higher sense of purpose, even if you don’t have the same sense of purpose. 
• Experiential Intimacy: The emotional and physical bonding of doing life together. When you buy your first home together, move across the country, cook a meal, change a tire, or try something new together you’re building experiential intimacy. You’re doing things together and therefore living life together. 

A healthy relationship should have all five of these types of intimacy, but not all intimacies have to be at 100% all of the time. There are personal differences, too. For some people, physical intimacy is very important, but for others, it’s almost negligent so long as the mental and emotional intimacies are strong. 

What type of intimacy is most important to you? What type is most important to your partner? Are you happy with how intimate you and your partner are?

Why is there a lack of intimacy in your marriage?

When a lack of intimacy happens, it can be hard. You feel disconnected from your partner, who is probably the person you see most in your life. Studies show that a happy relationship leads to a higher quality of life and feelings of happiness, and is a protective factor against mental health issues like anxiety and depression. 

A decrease in intimacy in a marriage can happen for many reasons. Some of the most common reasons are: 

• You got busy: When was the last time that “talk with my spouse” or “cuddle session” was on your To-Do list? Was it ever? During the initial stage of your relationship, these things happen naturally. You stay up late talking, physically crave each other, and want nothing more than to spend all your time together. This is because your brain is working with some serious chemicals called neurotransmitters to start and strengthen your bond. Over time, that passion transitions into a long-term bond. This is perfectly normal, but when we don’t upkeep intimacy in our marriage, it can start to feel like you’re just rooming with your best friend. 
• Intimacy imbalance: If all you do is have sex without any of the emotional intimacy, your marriage has an imbalance. If you’re working hard on emotional intimacy but are neglecting to ask “What’s been on your mind lately?” or “What do you think of this new idea I had?”, you still might feel a hole in your marriage. 
• You’re stressed: Cortisol, our stress hormone, is the intimacy killer. It is biologically harder to have sex, be emotionally present, and make time for your partner when you are stressed! So if there’s been a lot of stress in your life recently, the lack of intimacy in your relationship makes sense. 
• Mental health issues: Do you struggle with low self-esteem or body image? Are you constantly worried about what’s next or have trouble finding energy to even get out of bed in the morning? If you struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, or any other mental health issue, it makes sense that your intimacy in your marriage is faltering. 
• Resentment: Is there a lot of water under the bridge of your relationship, to the point that it’s started to lap at your feet again? There’s only so much we can shove under the rug before we have to face it. Arguments, misgivings, and past mistakes that have gone unforgiven for too long can cause resentment to grow. 
• Miscommunication: The most common type of miscommunication isn’t outright lying or subterfuge, it’s simply not communicating in a way the other person understands. When one partner says “Good morning, do you want coffee?”, they’re saying I love you and I’m glad to be waking up next to you. But what the other partner is hearing is I don’t want to stay in bed with you, I have things to do. This sort of miscommunication can build on each other until you’re not understanding what each other is saying even when you try to communicate. 

There are more reasons why your intimacy may be struggling, but these are the biggest six. If your marital intimacy is faltering, don’t worry. This is a normal relationship phase, called the “crisis stage”. Typically it happens five to seven years into a relationship and is marked by an increase in arguments and overall lack of intimacy. Once you get through the crisis stage, you’re more likely to have a life-long partnership. 

That’s not to say your relationship will be perfect before or after the crisis stage—most couples will have their rough spots! When you’re in a long-term marriage, you’re not only committed to one another, you’re both growing as individuals too. It makes sense that you’ll drift apart, change a little, and learn a different communication or attachment style. You’ll change and so will your relationship. It is not a sign of failure and may be easier to fix than you think. 

Finally, it is possible there are unhealthy aspects or red flags in your marriage you need to work on. If manipulation tactics or reactive abuse are a part of your relationship, you may need the help of a professional therapist.

7 Ways to Fix a Lack of Intimacy in Your Marriage

There is no right way to fix a lack of intimacy in your relationship. The below seven suggestions are tips and tricks you can use and adapt to your unique situation. 

If you get stuck, consider a relationship or marital counselor. Marriage counselors are trained professionals who have studied relationships and understand how they work and how to help you relight that flame in your marriage. 

Here are seven tips to fix a lack of intimacy in your marriage: 

1. Communicate your struggles: If you’ve been struggling with anxiety, depression, bad body image, low self-esteem, or any other mental health issue, tell your partner about it. You can work on tackling this issue together, with them supporting you. Plus, telling them gives them the understanding they might be craving. 
2. Try something new: Novelty is known to provide that spark that many spouses are missing. When you have exciting new experiences together you’re more likely to feel closer, which can spark that physical and emotional intimacy you’re missing. 
3. Reminisce together: Studies show that couples who remember the good times together are more likely to be happier and stay together for longer. What adventures have you had that make you smile? What’s a story that makes you laugh? How have they made you feel loved in the past?
4. Romanticize the small things: Not every day has to be a harrowing adventure. Make a morning routine together of making coffee. Have intentional dinners every night where you talk without the TV on. Get excited about a low-budget date night at a new restaurant in town. Do small things together and celebrate the way you live your life. 
5. Communicate effectively: Miscommunication is the downfall of many couples, don’t let it be yours! Learn how your spouse communicates, what they need to feel loved, and how they show love. Come up with a plan on how you can meet each other in the middle of your communication styles. Do you need a safe word for when you’re getting heated? Would daily check-ins help? What do you have to do to feel heard? What can you do to listen better?
6. Show love in small ways: If the last big romantic gesture you gave was getting down on one knee or saying “I do”, you’re not showing your love enough! Showing your spouse you love them doesn’t have to be as big as a marriage; it can be as small as a back massage while you’re watching TV, knowing their favorite coffee order, or buying them flowers on a random Tuesday. (Don’t feel loved in your marriage anymore? Here are some tips.)
7. Spend time together doing fun things: Once you’re married, fun dates can quickly turn into errand runs, yard work, and afterschool activities shuttling back and forth. Life gets busy, and your life partner is there to help you with that. But don’t forget to have fun and have fun together. What are the things that you loved doing together when you were dating? Can you implement one of those things a week? 

Cultivating healthy intimacy in a marriage takes work and time, it doesn’t always come naturally. On weeks that you’re especially tired, busy, or stressed, making time for one another can boost your mood and contribute to the health and happiness of your home.

Can Marriage Therapy Help Spark Intimacy?

Marriage therapy is a great way to work through problems, strengthen a connection, and cultivate good intimacy. A marriage therapist will help you work through the core root of your issues—like stress, mental health issues, communication problems, or a busy schedule—and help you implement practical solutions. You’ll still have to do the work; just showing up to marriage therapy won’t save your relationship. But with time and effort, marriage therapy is effective at helping your relationship be filled with love. 

Lifebulb offers marriage counseling online and in person. Find a marriage therapist near you!

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