Reactive Abuse Definition, Examples, and How to Keep Yourself Safe

What is reactive abuse?

Abuse is about power and control. The abuser will do anything to keep the power imbalanced and keep you under their control, including baiting you into reacting aggressively towards them so they can claim “mutual abuse”. 

Oftentimes you don’t realize you’re in a pattern of reactive abuse until you hit your breaking point. If you recognize these patterns, reach out for help before it gets there. If you’ve already reached your breaking point, know there is a way out. Your behaviors were out of self-defense in a toxic and abusive relationship; they are not a reflection of who you are. 

The three stages of reactive abuse are: 

• Provocation

Reactive abuse starts as the abuser attempts to wind up their partner. It may look like belittling them in public, calling them names, triggering them purposefully, being physically abusive, threatening, or any other forms of abuse and manipulation. They will continue this until their partner breaks and begins reacting aggressively towards them. This “reactive abuse” behavior may look like screaming, yelling, insulting, or being physically aggressive like hitting or kicking. 

• Flipping the script

Once the abuser has pushed their partner past their breaking point, the abuser will use this as proof that they are in a mutually abusive relationship. They may claim “You hit me, too” or try to assert the claim that you both have unhealthy, toxic behavior. This is often a control tactic: by making you feel guilt, shame, and fear of your own behavior, they are tying you that much closer to themselves. 

• Guilt-tripping and Gaslighting

Abusers will often use reactive abuse days, weeks, and even months later to control their partner. They may say things like “You started this”, or “I’m really hurt you would do that to me.” or “You made me do this. If you hadn’t [whatever reactive abuse behavior was shown], I wouldn’t be acting this way.” They will use the reactive abuse that they are innocent or justified.

This cycle will continue. It may escalate if the partner begins to notice the cycle of abuse and starts to try and escape or protect themselves. As a last-ditch effort to keep control, abusers may amp up their attempts at antagonizing their partner in an attempt to get them to defend themselves, allowing them to claim “mutual abuse”. 

We’ll discuss the difference between mutual abuse and reactive abuse later, but they are far from the same thing. Remember, reactive abuse is self-defense. It’s not always the healthiest form of self-defense and can be self-destructive and harmful. But it does not make you an abuser.

Reactive abuse examples

Some examples of reactive abuse include:

• Lisa constantly belittles and criticizes her partner, Mark. In response, Mark starts yelling and uses harsh language to defend himself.
• After being repeatedly provoked by her co-worker, Sarah, Anne finally explodes and engages in a heated argument at work.
• John's sibling consistently makes hurtful remarks towards him. One day, John reacts by shouting and slamming doors in frustration.
• Emma's friend continually undermines her and makes her feel inferior. Eventually, Emma retaliates with a hurtful comment in return.
• Alex's family members are constantly dismissive and disrespectful towards him. Over time, Alex responds with angry outbursts as a result of feeling unheard and devalued.

Reactive abuse, just like abuse, can happen in any relationship dynamic. If you are experiencing abuse, reach out for professional help.

Is reactive abuse a sign of narcissism?

We all may display a sign or two of narcissism; in of itself it is just a personality trait. However, some people have a mental health disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It’s important to note that NPD does not make people abusive—abuse is a behavior, and like all behaviors, it can be chosen. 

However, people with NPD have lower levels of empathy, high levels of self-importance, and low levels of self-esteem, which often prompt them to manipulate and abuse others to fill their need for reassurance and validation. Therefore, people with NPD are more likely to engage in narcissistic abuse—a form of emotional abuse that uses others to fulfill their emotional needs. 

Reactive abuse is one tactic narcissistic abusers may use. By aggravating you to the point of you lashing out, they can gaslight you into believing you’re a bad person, they’re the only person who will ever love you, or that you are in a mutually abusive relationship.

Reactive abuse vs mutual abuse

So what is mutual abuse? Is it when two people both abuse each other? Researchers think not so much. Experts believe that mutual abuse isn’t real. This is because abuse is about power and control. If an abuser can’t control the relationship, they’ll leave. People who are abusers form relationships with people they think they can abuse and control. 

All this to say it’s unlikely two people are playing actively abusive roles in a relationship. Instead, there is likely one of two things happening:

• You both exhibit unhealthy, but not abusive behavior. It’s possible for a relationship to be toxic without it being outright abusive. For example, a relationship in which two people can’t control their anger well, are prone to jealousy, or are very insecure about their relationship may make for an unhealthy relationship, but not an abusive one. 
• One partner is abusing and the other is reacting. This is where reactive abuse comes into play. It’s not mutual abuse if you reacted out of self-defense. It’s not mutual abuse if you were pushed to your breaking point. 

If you are being abused, recognize the signs so you can protect yourself.

Is it self-defense or abuse?

One of the tactics abusers will use is to gaslight you into thinking it was your fault. They’ll confuse you until you’re not sure who started yelling first or if it was out of self-defense. It’s an easy jump from there into guilt, shame, and regret. 

That’s your first clue: abusers don’t regret their decisions. They may regret being caught, but they don’t feel remorse or want to change. If you experience shame for how you acted, there’s a good chance it was reactive abuse.  

If you are wondering if you acted in self-defense or abusively, ask yourself: 

• Did you react to protect yourself?
• Did you react to reassert independence? 
• Do you want to change your unhealthy behaviors?
• Do you experience guilt, shame, regret, confusion, or doubt? 
• Are you afraid of retaliation from your partner? 

If the answer to most of those questions is “Yes”, then you likely reacted out of self-defense, not out of malicious intent or abusive behavior. 

Was it the healthiest decision? Well, you weren’t in the healthiest of situations! When your flight-or-fight is activated, as it is in an abusive relationship, you can’t blame yourself for the choice your body makes. If your brain chooses to fight back, it’s because it didn’t see any other way out of that situation. 

Still, we likely don’t want to engage in reactive abuse—or self-defense, more properly—again. Fortunately, there are ways to train ourselves to not react to abusive behavior, learn healthier coping skills, and get to a safer environment.

How to deal with reactive abuse

The first thing when dealing with abuse is to recognize the difficult, painful situation you are in. You did not deserve this, and it’s not your fault. 

Healing from abuse and working to not react to abuse again is in your hands, though. Here are some steps to start this process:

1. Identify abuse: Familiarize yourself with the patterns of abuse. Do you recognize any in your life and relationships?
2. Recognize when they’re trying to get a reaction out of you: Know when someone is trying to get a rise out of you. They may keep pushing your buttons or expecting you to react. 
3. Don’t react: This can be tricky. If you are in physical danger, remember it’s okay to engage in self-defense and get out of there as soon as possible. If you are in an unsafe environment, leave to get somewhere safe. Try to be somewhere public if the situation escalates.
4. Tell others what is happening: Lean on your support system. Talk to friends, family, a therapist, or a hotline. Don’t suffer in silence; you’re not alone. 
5. Leave the relationship: If it’s possible and safe to do so, leave the relationship. Ask if you can stay with a friend or family member until you’re back on your feet financially. 
6. Seek professional help: Therapy for abuse survivors can be instrumental in healing from trauma, learning healthy coping skills, and preventing future abuse. 

If you or someone you love is interested in therapy for abuse survivors, give Lifebulb’s support team a call. We’ll be happy to connect you with a licensed therapist. If you are seeking therapy while still in an abusive relationship, let our therapists know and they can support you and help you make a safety plan in case things escalate dangerously. 

Can an abuser change?

What if you get through this and still think you exhibited abusive behaviors? What then? Can abusers change? Well, the first thing you have to ask yourself is: Do you really want to change? 

People who have been abusive, controlling, or manipulating can change. Often that behavior is rooted in a past trauma, mental health disorder (such as Narcissistic personality disorder), or learned behavior from when they were abused (the cycle of abuse is tricky to end). 

This does not excuse abusive behavior, but it does offer some hope. People who have acted abusively can change. But you have to want it. You have to be willing to face your actions, take accountability, and work to move forward. It’s not always easy, but it is possible.

Abuse hotlines

It takes a great deal of strength to seek help. Here is a list of abuse hotlines that you can reach out to in times of crisis:

1. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
   • Available 24/7, offering support and resources for individuals experiencing domestic violence.
2. National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
   • Operated by RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), provides confidential support for survivors of sexual assault and their loved ones.
3. Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)
   • Available 24/7, offers help and support for children facing abuse, as well as reporting resources for those who suspect child abuse.
4. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
   • Not solely focused on abuse, but provides immediate assistance to anyone in crisis, including emotional support and referral to local resources.

Remember, you're not alone in this journey. These hotlines are staffed by trained professionals who are there to listen, support, and guide you to the help you need. Don't hesitate to reach out if you are in immediate danger or require immediate assistance. Your safety and well-being matter, and there are people ready to assist you. Keep moving forward, and together, we can create a brighter future.

Therapy for Reactive Abuse

Facing the effects of reactive abuse can be overwhelming and challenging, but you don't have to go through it alone. Therapy can provide a safe and supportive space for you to understand, process, and heal from the experiences that led to reactive abuse. There are many different types of therapy, so you can find a therapy modality that works for you. 

In therapy, you can explore the underlying factors that contribute to reactive abuse and gain insight into the patterns and triggers that lead to such reactions. A skilled therapist specializing in trauma and abusive dynamics will work with you to create a therapeutic plan tailored to your specific needs and goals. They will help you build self-awareness, identify the impact of the abuse, and gain a deeper understanding of your own reactions.

Therapy can help you:

Establishing Healthy Coping Mechanisms

Therapy provides a supportive environment for you to unlearn maladaptive coping mechanisms and develop healthy coping mechanisms and alternative ways to respond to provocation or mistreatment. By learning effective communication skills, emotional regulation techniques, and boundary-setting strategies, you can begin to break the cycle of reactive abuse and establish healthier patterns of interaction.

Addressing Underlying Trauma and Self-Esteem

Reactive abuse often stems from underlying trauma and can have a significant impact on self-esteem and self-worth. Your therapist will guide you toward addressing these deeper issues, helping you process and heal from past traumas. Through various therapeutic approaches such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), trauma-focused therapy, and self-esteem-building exercises, you can develop a more positive sense of self and navigate a path toward healing and empowerment.

Strengthening Relationships and Building Resilience

Therapy for reactive abuse can also focus on repairing and improving your relationships. Your therapist will assist you in exploring healthy communication patterns, rebuilding trust, and fostering healthier connections with others. Additionally, therapy can help you develop resilience, strengthen your coping abilities, and equip you with the tools needed to navigate future challenges.

Connecting You with the Right Therapist

Lifebulb is committed to helping you find a therapist who best matches your needs and goals. Our highly educated, experienced, and compassionate therapists specialize in trauma, abusive dynamics, and healing from reactive abuse. They will create a safe space where you can feel understood, supported, and empowered throughout your therapeutic journey.

You deserve to break free from the cycle of reactive abuse and live a life of strength, healing, and growth. Reach out to us at Lifebulb to start your journey towards reclaiming your power. Remember, there is hope, and you are not alone. Together, we can help you live your brightest life.

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