There are four types of attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. These attachment styles influence how we form adult relationships. Learn what type of attachment style you have with our free online assessment.
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Attachment styles influence how we form relationships with others as adults. To learn about common behaviors and characteristics associated with your attachment style, choose one of the boxes below that describes your situation.
The anxious attachment style is one of the three insecure attachment styles. With this style, individuals crave close relationships, intimacy, and love, and they get very anxious when they perceive a threat to their relationships. People with an anxious attachment style have a hard time being single. They may seek out relationships at any cost, including staying in unhealthy relationships, because it beats being alone. Once in a relationship, an individual with an anxious attachment style may struggle with fear of abandonment and jealousy. As such, they may exhibit needy or clingy behaviors.
More About Anxious AttachmentThe avoidant/dismissive attachment style is another one of the three insecure styles. People with a dismissive attachment style prioritize independence, assertiveness, and self-sufficiency. They avoid vulnerability and intimacy. As such, they tend to date many people, but lose interest and leave when things get serious or their partner tries to connect with them on a deep, emotional level. They can come across as cold, aloof, and withholding.
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The final of the three attachment styles is also the rarest and most severe. Most people with a disorganized attachment style suffered some kind of neglect or abuse as a child and now, as an adult, feel as if they can’t trust anyone. Despite this, they still deeply crave connectedness and intimacy. Individuals with a disorganized attachment style will exhibit traits of both anxious and dismissive attachment styles. They will both crave and be fearful of vulnerability and therefore may switch between being needy and being standoffish.
More About Disorganized AttachmentThose with a secure attachment style are comfortable with both independence and vulnerability. They enjoy being alone and can support themselves fine as individuals, but they also rejoice in intimacy and vulnerability. In relationships, those with a secure attachment style won’t be perfect (no one is), but they will try to prioritize healthy communication, problem-solving skills, boundaries, and good intimacy. Secure attachment styles are the most common, and anyone can grow into a secure attachment style no matter what their past was like.
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In a relationship, people with an anxious attachment style can appear clingy, needy, and desperate for love. They may have a hard time setting and keeping boundaries and pleasing people. The boundary between where they end and their partner begins may appear blurry; they are often found in codependent relationships. As much as someone with an anxious attachment style wants to be loved, they can struggle with anger at not being loved enough or in the way that they crave. At the same time, they may overly attribute tension in the relationship to their own fault and struggle with self-esteem.
Take the Free QuizPeople with an avoidant attachment style are more likely to avoid long-term relationships. Although they may start a number of flings, they tend to leave as soon as things get too emotionally vulnerable. When they do stay, they can come across as aloof and uncaring. It may appear as if they do not want or need love. At times, this behavior can come across as cold and appear as if they don’t care about their partner. They can be detached and remote even in long-term relationships.
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People with a disorganized attachment style will exhibit characteristics of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles. It can therefore be hard to predict their mood. At some points they may be cold, withdrawn, and seem like they don’t care. At other times, they may be needy and desperate for love. The result can be disorientating. It can feel like you never know what to expect.
Take the Free QuizA relationship with two secure adults will not be perfect. A secure attachment style doesn’t mean disagreements, life stressors, and clashing personalities will go away. Instead, an individual with a secure attachment style will be able to balance vulnerability and independence. They will want to love and be loved by their partner but still be able to stand on their own as an individual. Both partners value themselves separately from the relationship, and come together to grow and love.
Parents who have an anxious attachment style may display “emotional hunger” rather than nurturing love. This means they may go to their child to soothe their own needs for love and affection. For example, giving their child a hug when they need to be soothed. However, they may not always be around when their child needs to be soothed. This type of parent is often giving and caring, but in a self-centered way. They give and care as it would benefit them, like throwing a big birthday party so they can appear like a good parent.
Take the QuizA parent with an avoidant attachment style will meet their child’s basic needs but fail to meet their emotional needs. They may come across as uncaring or unavailable. As such, the child will learn to stop expressing their needs. Instead, they will adopt an air of independence and meet (or ignore) their own emotional needs.
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A parent with a disorganized attachment style will be unpredictable. A child may exhibit the same behavior, and the parent will laugh at one instance and explode with anger the next. Because of this unpredictable behavior pattern, the child doesn’t know how to behave to get their needs met. This can create a strong atmosphere of fear in which the child begins to experience both avoidant and anxious attachment style behaviors.
Take the QuizParents with a secure attachment style are likely to produce the same in their children. They are attune to their children's needs and the child feels safe to come to them to have their needs (basic and emotional) met. This does not mean the parent has to be attuned to their child all the time. (This would be almost impossible!) But when tensions or mistakes do occur in a parent-child relationship, a secure parent will make amends and reassure the child that they are safe.
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