May 9, 2025
The 4 attachment styles are ways in which researchers refer to how we form relationships with others, based on our relationship with our caregiver when we were very young. Of the 4 possible attachment types, three of them are considered “insecure”: Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style, Anxious Attachment Style, and Disorganized Attachment Style. These three attachment styles are rooted in an unstable relationship with one’s caregivers and can have negative effects in how we form relationships with peers as adults. Dysfunctional relationships are common with these types of attachment styles.
A secure attachment style is the healthiest style. It is a hallmark of a stable, nurturing relationship with one’s caretakers and results in healthy relationships as an adult.
If you have an insecure attachment style, it is possible to transition to a secure one. The process involves healing from past trauma, building healthy communication and coping skills, and increasing self-esteem and self-confidence.
Ready to form healthy, sustainable relationships? Let’s dive in.
What is a secure attachment style?
A secure attachment style is one in which a child’s caregivers were attentive and nurturing. As a result, the child felt safe in their relationship and could rely on their caregivers to meet their needs. As an adult, someone with a secure attachment style will feel safe, stable, and satisfied in close interpersonal relationships. They will be equally as comfortable setting boundaries and expressing vulnerability.
Someone with a secure attachment style isn’t perfect; they have imperfections, fears, and traumas just like the rest of us. The difference is that a secure attachment style will be fundamentally okay with close, vulnerable relationships. Conflict may not be easy, but it won’t produce the internal turmoil that may be present in someone with an insecure attachment style.
The good news is that it is entirely possible to change into a secure attachment style! In fact many people will transition attachment styles in their lifetime, and secure attachment is the most common type of attachment.
What are the signs of a secure attachment?
A secure attachment style doesn’t mean all relationships will come easily or that you never have interpersonal conflict, but it will make forming relationships and upkeeping them easier. You still need to put in the work, but you won’t be fighting against your base instincts to do so.
Signs of a Secure Attachment Style include:
- You are comfortable with both intimacy and independence: A hallmark of an anxious attachment style is being uncomfortable with independence, whereas avoidant attachment style will make it difficult to be comfortable with intimacy. In a secure attachment style, you are able to be comfortable with both. Vulnerability feels good, but so does independence.
- You can set healthy boundaries: You understand that you can’t let someone walk all over you, and you’re able to set those boundaries. It won’t always be easy, and fear of confrontation can occur in any attachment style, but you will understand the necessity of boundaries and have no trouble respecting others’ boundaries.
- You want to communicate: If there is a conflict, your natural instinct is to communicate. An avoidant might stonewall and an anxious attachment may get needy, but a secure attachment will try to communicate. This isn’t always done perfectly, because good communication is a skill you can learn, but with a secure attachment style, you’ll be more likely to want to communicate well and often with your relationships.
- Your sense of self-worth is not tied to some else: Heartbreak will still hurt, even with a secure attachment style. You’ll still feel bad about yourself after rejection. But your inherent sense of self-worth and confidence does not come from whether a person likes you.
- When conflict occurs, you can self-regulate: Emotions can be big and loud in any attachment style, but with a secure attachment style you’ll have ways of self-regulating that don’t involve your partner. This might be taking a walk, deep breathing, talking it out, or decompressing with a hobby.
Someone with a secure attachment style may have to learn and strengthen these traits just like anyone else. Remember, having a secure attachment style isn’t a free-pass into perfect relationships. A secure attachment style allows you to form bonds with others more easily, and you are more likely to want to upkeep them in a way that is healthy and beneficial to both parties.
How to get a secure attachment style: 6 steps
An insecure attachment style is caused by inconsistent or absent caregiving received as a child. This upbringing is a type of trauma, and addressing that trauma is important in your recovery process.
Remember that it is possible to heal from a secure attachment style. It just takes time and energy. To move from an insecure attachment style to a secure one, follow these steps:
- Talk to a therapist: Insecure attachment is rooted in trauma, and the best way to treat trauma is through therapy. There are many different types of therapy, and one may stand out more to you than another. Do your research before choosing a therapist and make sure they specialize in attachment styles.
- Practice self-compassion: Studies have shown that practicing self-compassion in a relationship decreases anxiety and increases the sense of security in a relationship. Why? Self-compassion teaches us that it’s okay if we make mistakes. In doing so, we shift our focus from being perfect to being a good partner, which means communicating well, self-regulating, and setting healthy boundaries.
- Practice mindfulness: You don’t have to meditate. Simply become aware of your thoughts and actions. You might find it helpful to keep a journal to track your actions and identify the triggers that spurred them. This practice will help you root out unhealthy behavior and start practicing healthier habits.
- Communicate regularly: What are you feeling? Why are you feeling it? Talk to your people about it. Communicating takes practice, and even people with a secure attachment style aren’t always great at it, but studies have shown that when anxious attachment styles talk about what makes them anxious, they feel more secure. Communicating is always a good idea.
- Challenge yourself in small ways: Challenge your attachment style in small steps. For example, if you have an anxious attachment style and hate it when your partner hangs out with their friends instead of you, challenge yourself to not text them when they’re away. It can help to communicate these challenges with your partner or friend so they can hold you accountable.
- Learn from others: Surround yourself with other stable, healthy people if possible. Or, commit to growing together. Moving from an insecure to a secure attachment style is hard; don’t do it alone.
It is possible to grow into a secure attachment style. If you are having difficulty with it, Lifebulb is here to help. We have over 100 therapists and accept most insurance plans. With no greater than a 7 day wait once you call us, you can start feeling better sooner. Contact our team for more information.
