Dating these days is not for the faint of heart. With social media and dating apps being at the helm of a new era in the dating scene, it can definitely throw up some more difficult hoops to navigate. After all, there is much to consider, including safety and being scammed, as well as catfishing schemes and well. . .The options . . . Sooo many options. TOO many options!
However, on the flip side, it can definitely allow for more opportunity and accessibility for more matches, and the convenience of dipping your toe in from home makes it easy; some might say “too” easy to not pass up.
Nevertheless, here are some things to be mindful of when dating in this era. Of course, keep in mind it's good to know your own values and what's important to you first before throwing yourself out there. Having a good idea of what you want and what the goals of dating are is key before diving in!
Red and Yellow Flags in a Relationship
Yellow Flags are a sign you should proceed with caution, remain aware of unhealthy patterns, and communicate openly about your concerns. Common yellow flags in a relationship are:
Your intuition tells you something is off.
You become their therapist (or the flip side is true: they don’t share anything personal with you).
You’ve lost your sense of self and independence.
You don’t share any values or interests.
They’ve experienced recent drug and substance abuse or recent loss.
Not all yellow flags are actually a “bad sign”. Often, it just means a conversation needs to take place. No one is perfect, and you can absolutely grow together.
Red flags are more direct warning signs that an unhealthy relationship is developing. Proceed with caution and make sure you’re protecting yourself as well. A list of red flags includes:
The relationship starts with love bombing.
It’s hot and then cold really quickly.
You’ve been ghosted by them before.
They are all talk and no action.
They are prideful or ego-driven, and don’t seem to care about getting to know you.
Let’s take a closer look at each of these points. Then, we’ll explore green flags in a relationship that can signify the start of a healthy, balanced relationship.
Yellow Flag: Negative Body Reactions
xxxx Pay attention to your own body’s instincts and warning signs. Listen. If your body is alerting your brain that something is off, pay close attention to this, as often our intuition can kick into high gear and tell you something without specifically placing a finger on it.
Scientists have named this “relationship uncertainty” and have found that doubting your partner’s intention in the relationship can lead to increased cortisol and stress responses.
Of course, you can never be 100% sure, but it's important to notice boundaries in the dating relationship and be mindful if boundaries are being respected and communicated. Also, pay close attention to any heaviness or intense anxiety - these feelings are definitely not normal!
Yellow Flag: Emotional “Dumping”
xxxx Too much vulnerability or emotional “dumping” at first meeting OR not saying enough are both potential “yellow” flags.
You are not their therapist! If they are oversharing, this is a bit of a red/yellow flag that they need to get some extra support. Remember, the weight should not fall solely on you.
On the other hand, if they seem to be hiding things, this could be more of a yellow flag indicating they don't want you to know certain things just yet and they are withholding information. There are many reasons for this, and not all of them bad, but it’s something to be aware of and look out for. Proceed with caution!
Yellow Flag: Loss of Sense of Self
xxxx Dating and relationships take time; it's a slow progression into something more. If you notice you are losing your own sense of individuality or you are falling too fast, making significant lifestyle changes; take note.
It's not to say you won't eventually start to mesh and do some of the same things or maybe even think some of the same ways as you build your bond, but this should be a gradual process, and certainly you should never be asked to give up the things you love, or that's already part of who you are. When we date someone, it’s natural for them to become part of ourselves. We stop seeing ourselves fully as an individual and start understanding ourselves as part of a pair in time.
Yellow Flag: No Shared Values and Interests
xxxx When looking for a partner that you might eventually want to get a bit more serious with, the most important thing will be shared values and potentially even shared interests (although interests can be compromised on).
The question you should ask yourself is: What are you dating for? What do you hope to get out of it? If you are looking for specific values and things that you are not willing to compromise on, hold true to this and do not waver, as this will be the evidence over time that will make or break the relationship.
Yellow Flag: Recent Drug and Substance Use
xxxx If your date communicates that they are in recent recovery, or you notice odd or secretive behaviors about them, be wary. When an individual is dealing with addiction or recent loss of something in their lives, oftentimes they are not ready or prepared for a meaningful connection.
Some might say they are not “emotionally available” for something new and meaningful. It's not to say they are “bad people”, it just means to proceed with caution, as they may not have fully processed these things in their lives yet. So be sure to ask questions and notice anything that could be potentially hazardous to this new and blossoming dating relationship.
Red Flag: Love Bombing
xxxx Love bombing is something that occurs when someone seems “all in". They might shower you with compliments, buy you gifts, and generally give you all the attention and affection you have ‘always’ been looking for.
Seems great off the start, right?
But then suddenly there is a shift in mood, behaviors, and actions. All that love is followed by ghosting, an immediate lack of interest, or a stiffness or coldness towards you that feels out of nowhere.
Instead of this love bombing, look for this green flag: a slow warm-up, a gradual building of physical and psychological attraction, trust, potentially followed by a friendship.
Red Flag: The Magnetic Effect
xxxx Be on alert if things feel too heavy and intense too soon. For example, if things are hot, then immediately cold, or intense and anxious. Take notice of the highs and lows.
A healthy start to a dating relationship is one that is gradual, even-paced, and slowly developed over time. Some might even say this type of relationship is a little boring, “not intense enough”, or that there might be a lack of attraction. Keep the steady pace. A slow progression of developing information about yourself and your partner will slowly (but steadily) allow for vulnerability and friendship.
Red Flag: Ghosting
xxxx Ever been ghosted or feel like you are doing all the work in this job, I mean, dating relationship? Then go with the mirroring rule: for every text or call, mirror back that same amount of effort. If you have sent a few texts and nothing- let ‘em go! Never wait around; you deserve better!
Red Flag: All Talk, No Action
xxxx Be mindful of what your date is saying. If the communication is great and promises are made, be sure those promises are being backed by actual actions.
For example: notice if someone says, “I am looking forward to taking you golfing next week,” but never does, or if they say “I can't wait for you to meet my parents,” and the day never comes. Be wary of the motives here.
Red Flag: Prideful or Ego-Driven
xxxx Pay attention to open flow of communication, mutual respect, empathy, and honesty. You both want to be curious about one another and listen without judgement, especially in the first few meetings. If there is already a lack of this at the front door, this is a flag that things will only become worse later. This could include examples of “talking over you”, talking “at” you, not asking questions, or not listening.
Green Flags in a Relationship
All GREEN ahead!
These are green flags that you should be excited about. They are signs that your relationship is developing at a healthy pace and that you are both on the same page about its future. These green flags are not a substitute for good communication and continued effort, but they are a sign that you’re on the right track.
It feels fun, exciting, and enjoyable.
You always feel safe and respected by the person you are spending time with. (Even if it's not the best fit, it's a good way to meet new friends or meet people to share in mutual hobbies or interests.)
It feels organic, natural, and comfortable. You both take steps towards deepening the relationship.
Be patient with yourself and listen. If it becomes too much work or too stressful, take a break and start up again when ready.
The Three Checkpoints to a Healthy Relationship
There’s no one roadmap for a perfect relationship, but there are helpful road signs that can point you in the right direction. Check in with yourself after 3 dates, 3 weeks, and 3 months. How do you feel? How does the relationship feel?
After 3 dates: Check if there is actual mutual attraction and real chemistry, rather than just liking the idea of the person or an online profile.
After 3 weeks: Evaluate consistency, effort, and regular communication to see if the person keeps showing up or fades away.
After 3 months: Determine if the connection has true long-term potential or if you are wasting time, as the initial honeymoon phase settles into real compatibility.
Studies have found that healthy relationships lead to better mental health. Want to talk about how your date went with no bias or judgment and get some additional feedback on this topic?
Lifebulb offers relationship therapy that is nonjudgmental, safe, and professional. Browse our list of relationship therapists to find a therapist near you and start on the path to a healthier connection today.
