Parenting is hard. There’s no doubt about that. You’re constantly having to juggle being supportive and being realistic, being a friend and being an authority figure, being someone they can come to and someone who can teach them right from wrong.
As a parent, you’ve probably heard your children yell all sorts of things at you: that they hate you, that they love you, that they can’t wait to leave, that they’re scared of leaving.
In the midst of all that chaos, how do you know that you’re doing right by your children and parenting them correctly?
There is no one right way to parent. Instead, researchers have found 4 general parenting styles that can help shine a light on this issue.
What Are the 4 Styles of Parenting?
You do not have to stick with one of the four parenting styles. In fact, many parents shift between them. In an emergency situation, an authoritarian style might be warranted, and in other situations, a more authoritative parenting style would be the best.
While reading through this list, think about your own behaviors. Are you being the type of parent you want to be? If not, it is always possible to change parenting styles for the better.
Authoritative Parenting Style
This style is warm, responsive, and supportive, while also setting clear rules and expectations. Parents encourage independence but maintain limits. A hallmark of the authoritative parenting style is letting children make and learn from their own mistakes. As a parent, you set the boundaries and expectations, but allow your children some freedom in how they meet those rules.
Important factors of authoritative parenting include:
- Clearly outlining rules
- Explaining the reasoning behind rules
- Fair and consistent discipline
- Prioritizing open communication
- Encouraging independence and allowing for the child to make mistakes
- Attentiveness to a child’s needs
An authoritative parenting style is empathetic and sets the child up for success in the long run. It is generally considered one of the healthiest styles for regular, day-to-day use.
Natural consequences are used by many authoritative parents. This is when the discipline for a child’s disobedience is an immediate and direct response to that disobedience. For example, if they refuse to wear a rain jacket, their clothes get wet.
Example:
A child is frustrated with their homework and wants to go play. The parent talks with the child, and they agree to work together on the homework for an hour before playing.
Permissive Parenting Style
This style is lenient and indulgent, with few rules or demands. Parents are nurturing but often avoid discipline. They may prioritize being “friends” with their children instead of parents. Although their intent is usually good, this can result in a child who doesn’t know how to take care of themselves at all, or a child who had to grow up too quickly to meet their needs and possibly the needs of their siblings.
A permissive parenting style includes:
- Setting minimal rules and even less disciplinary action
- Prioritize being a kid’s friend and wanting to be liked by their child
- Consistently referring to their child’s preference on activities, food, and schedule, even if it’s not the healthiest choice
- Emphasize freedom over responsibility
- Highly receptive and responsive to a child’s emotional state
- Not overly concerned about safety, and may encourage a child to fail/get hurt in the real world to learn and grow.
In the balance of parenting, a permissive parenting style is one in which the parent has swung too far in the “friend” direction. Does this mean it is always a bad thing? When used consistently, yes. But there are cases in which a permissive parenting style is welcome and even needed. Maybe a child had an exceptionally hard day, and they don’t want to do their homework or chores. Choosing to give them some slack and having a fun evening with them might be the right choice at the moment. Where permissive parenting styles go wrong is when every day is like that, with no rules or structure to help a child grow.
Example:
A parent lets their child stay up as late as they want and eat whatever they like, even if it's not healthy, to avoid conflict.
Authoritarian Parenting Style
This style is strict, controlling, and expects obedience without question. It focuses on discipline over nurturing. There is no room for slack in the authoritarian parenting style, and disciplines are often harsh and imposed rather than natural consequences. With the authoritarian parenting style, a parent believes they are not there to be their child’s friend, but their parent. An authoritarian parenting style can create a “my way goes” household without much room for compromise or discussion.
Factors include:
- Higher expectations and lower responsiveness to emotional pain
- Little warmth or nurturing
- Emphasis on safety, outcome, and rules
- Impatience with misbehavior
- Unwillingness to negotiate
Does this mean an authoritarian parenting style is bad? Not always. Again, there are situations that call for it. There are situations in which there is no space for warmth or nurture. As a parent, you are also a caregiver, and that means keeping your child safe. For example, you might take more of an authoritative parenting style when you teach road safety like crossing the street, or when you travel and you have to get your family through a foreign city safely. However, if an authoritative parenting style is used all the time, it can diminish the relationship and trust between parent and child. You are your child’s caregiver, and that includes their emotional and mental well-being, which is something a purely authoritative parenting style lacks.
Example:
A parent enforces a curfew with no explanation and punishes the child harshly for coming home late, regardless of the reason.
Neglectful Parenting Style
The neglectful parenting style is the only one that has no positives and is not healthy in any way, ever. It is a form of neglect.
Neglectful parenting style, also known as uninvolved parenting, is marked by low responsiveness and low demands. Parents are emotionally distant and rarely involved. It can include:
- Acting emotionally distant
- Making no effort to be involved in or understand your child's life
- Showing little warmth or love towards child
- Putting in minimal effort to meet a child’s physical needs.
A neglectful parenting style can lead to unhealthy adults with insecure attachment styles.
Example:
A parent doesn't ask their child about school, friends, or daily life, and rarely knows where the child is or what they’re doing.
What is the healthiest parenting style?
Although there are places for permissive and authoritarian parenting style, it is generally held to be true that authoritative parenting style is the healthiest, most well-rounded for everyday situations. It can be hard to balance being a friend with being a caretaker, and it’s okay if you mess up sometimes. Take accountability for your mistakes (including apologizing if you have to) and strive to do better.
You don’t have to be a perfect parent to be a healthy one; you just have to keep trying your best.
Is it possible to change my parenting style?
Yes! If you’ve realized that your parenting style is not the best for your child, it is possible to change it. It might be hard at first—changing your behaviors and habits always are—but it will be so worth it in the end.
Talking with a therapist is one way to ensure your parenting style is well-rounded and healthy. A family therapist can talk with you and your child so you can ensure a healthy family dynamic.
How can I make sure I’m not messing my child up?
It’s a question in many parents’ heads, even if we don’t say it out loud. There’s a deep fear that we’ll be the reason our children don’t succeed, or we’ll be the primary subject of our child’s therapy one day. If you feel like this, you’re not alone. And just by asking it, you’re already heading in the right direction.
Your goal as a parent is not to be perfect, because the fact is, you won’t be. Being perfect is not the goal. Instead, the goal is to be there for your child. Supportive, listening, and attentive to their physical and emotional needs.
If you or your family needs help, Lifebulb counseling is here for you. We have individual, child, and family therapists who are open to taking sessions today. Contact us for more information and to get your first session scheduled.
