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Family during the Holidays can be tricky. On one hand, it’s a time to come together, make new memories, and celebrate our loved ones. On the other hand, families aren’t perfect, and just because they’re related to you and coming to Christmas doesn’t mean you have to like them… or get along with them.
Dealing with in-laws, coparenting during the Holidays, and tiptoeing around sensitive topics while juggling a gift list, food prep, and your normal life can be exhausting. That’s why we’ve prepared a list of tips to help you survive the Holidays with your family.
Plan Ahead
Make a list of your triggers. For example:
- When I drink too much, I get angry. I won’t have more than one drink at this family gathering.
- I know my aunt will ask me about my job, even though she knows I just got laid off. I don’t want to have that conversation with her, so I’ll make sure to stick by someone who can help me out of that conversation if it comes up.
- I have different beliefs from a lot of my family members, so I’ll disengage from any conversation that may spark debate.
- There’s always a lot of loud kids at these gatherings, so I’ll make sure to bring noise-canceling headphones. (Loop Earplugs are a good option; they make earplugs that filter background noise while still allowing you to engage in conversation.)
- I’m travelling from out of state, and I know everyone will want to talk to me right when I get in, so I’ll book a hotel room for my first night so I have time to recover.
Sometimes family members disagree on big, important things. Consider if now is the time to have a discussion about them. You can keep the peace and maintain your own personal values by going in with a plan, knowing how to disengage, and having more personal one-on-one conversations in a less crowded and heated environment.
Place Boundaries
Place these boundaries before a holiday family gathering to avoid conflict before it even happens. Individualize this list to meet your family’s needs.
- No talk about politics
- Two drink limitations (or try a sober gathering!)
- You’ll host people for events, but not overnight.
- It’s okay to arrive when you can and leave when you have to.
- Give a call before you come over unannounced
- Avoiding jokes or comments about sensitive topics, like a passed loved one or a recent divorce.
If someone refuses to abide by the agreed-upon boundaries, have a conversation with them one-on-one. Explain how you’re doing what you can to make this year memorable and peaceful. If they can’t agree with the group, it’s okay to apply some consequences, like asking them to arrive later or not come at all.
Manage Expectations
We are told that the Holidays are a magical time of year where everyone gets along and conflicts disappear. When this doesn’t happen, we can get really discouraged.
“Is there something wrong with my family? Why can’t we just be happy together?”
The truth is, all families fight. On the holidays, especially! Drama, tension, and old grudges will come up when you stick everyone who grew up together in a small room.
Instead of imagining a perfect holiday season with your family, set more specific, attainable expectations. For example:
- I want my kids to have fun.
- I want to show my parents that I love them.
- I want to hold to my boundaries.
- I want to leave feeling fulfilled and not exhausted.
These expectations allow for mishaps to occur. Yes, someone might get too into the eggnog. Yep, someone else might bring up your sister’s messy divorce. Feelings might be hurt. Arguments might ensue. But if you can adjust your expectations, these imperfections won’t diminish your holiday joy.
Use the Buddy System
If you know there’s going to be awkward conversations and sensitive topics to avoid, go in with an ally. This could be a sibling, cousin, or even a friend you bring in with you. Tell them everything they need to know and stick with them throughout the family gathering.
They can be your excuse when you need to get out of a conversation, help you navigate tricky situations, and be a safe space to rest in when things get too chaotic. And you can do the same for them.
Learn to Let It Go
Pick your battles and choose when you fight them. A big family gathering might not be the right time to get into a debate. You don’t have to forgive what was said or done, but letting it go for the night can help hold the peace.
After you’ve had some time to think it over, consider if it still bothers you. If it does, have a one-on-one conversation with them in a calmer environment.
Take Breaks
Families can be exhausting. Parties can be exhausting. The holidays are definitely exhausting. There’s no shame in taking a break.
Hide yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes. Lie down in a dark room with the door closed. Or put on a movie somewhere for people to come and rest, but not be totally alone in.
Set the expectation that taking breaks is not only okay, but it’s encouraged! Then set up a space for guests and yourself to do so.
Prioritize Self-Care
Many people choose to focus on their family during the Holidays, but remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself through good self-care. This could mean:
- Going to bed at a normal time.
- Engaging in your hobbies and things that bring you joy.
- Prioritizing time with people who fill you up, not drain you.
- Sticking to a budget (Holiday Financial Stress is real!)
- Eating healthy and exercising throughout the season.
What makes you feel good? Do more of that this season to protect yourself from Holiday burnout.
Focus on People You Love
The Holidays can put a focus on the family that we’re related to. And while this can be a beautiful thing, a perfect biological family isn’t everyone’s reality.
This Holiday season, be intentional about who you spend time with. Make time to hang out with your friends and chosen family, too. Remember that you don’t have to do anything this Holiday season.
What do you value? How can you live closer to your values this Holiday season?
Talking to a Therapist Can Help.
We get it. Families aren’t perfect, far from it. And while families can range anywhere from outright abusive to dysfunctional but loving, all the way to harmonious, everyone will have their own unique struggles.
This Holiday Season, remember to take a breath. We put a lot of pressure on this one time of year to carry on family traditions and relationships, but these relationships can grow and change outside of the winter months, too.
Do the best you can. Take care of yourself. And lead with love this Holiday season with your family.
If you’re struggling this year with family dynamics and stressful family gatherings, talking to a therapist can help. A lot of people struggle this time of year. You can see a therapist just for the winter months to help you get through this difficult time. A family therapist can also help you and your family come together this time of year.
When you’re ready, Lifebulb is here for you. We have licensed therapists who accept most major insurances and have little to no wait times. Contact our team to be scheduled with them today.
