What Are Toxic Family Dynamics

What is the Definition of Family Dynamics?

A “dynamic” is simply the way two or more people interact with one another. For example, a power imbalance dynamic may be in play with your boss and a coworker. The dynamic between a child and a parent should be different from that of two co-parents. (Read more on relationship dynamics between two partners here.)

The definition of family dynamics is the collection of relationships within a family unit. It wasn’t too long ago when that family unit was expected to look very traditional: a mom, a dad, and 2-3 kids. Maybe that family dynamic still works for you; there is nothing wrong with it. But there is also nothing wrong with the other forms of family units: single parents raising their kids without a co-parent, aunts and uncles or grandparents being an integral part of the family unit, or couples who choose to only have one (or even no) child. 

Does the structure of these family units help determine if family dynamics are healthy or toxic? The research indicates no. A single-parent home can be just as healthy as one with two parents, or one with two parents, a grandparent, and an uncle. 

The types of family structures does not dictate health and wellness. Instead, the people, and their behaviors do. 

What is a Toxic Family Dynamic?

Toxic family dynamics, also known as dysfunctional family dynamics, are ones that do not assist the healthy growth of children or healthy lifestyle of adults. When left to fester, a toxic family dynamic can lead to insecure attachment styles, estrangement, conflict, and even trauma. 

A family dynamic that is dysfunctional or toxic will most likely include behaviors that are:

• Controlling
• Disrespectful
• Manipulative

Behaviors such as lying, yelling, and other ineffective communication skills are also a key sign of a toxic family dynamic. Other common signs of a toxic family dynamic include:

• Enmeshment: Unclear or weak personal boundaries amongst family members
• Isolation: Feeling like you can’t rely on your family when you’re hurt, sad, or down.
• Rigidity: No flexibility in adapting to family member’s needs, “The rules are the rules.”
• Disorganization: Chaotic households in which there is little structure or organization. 
• Unclear communication: Communication is passive or unclear, often resulting in confusion and more punishment.
• Role conflict: When the kids have to act as parents, or when one parent has to take on multiple roles to make up for a slacking co-parent, role conflict occurs when someone takes on more than one role. 

The final piece of toxic family dynamics has been coined Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), which are experiences linked to heart, lung, and liver disease, depression, anxiety, and more. Common examples of ACEs include:

• Emotional, sexual, or physical abuse
• Parental divorce
• Members of the family unit committing crime
• Mental illness in the family unit
• Substance abuse in the family unit

Not any single ACE will result in an unhealthy child. Some of them are unavoidable or not the fault of the parents. Others, like divorce, may be healthier than staying in a toxic marriage. However, it is still important to be aware of these events and acknowledge the negative impact it has on children in the household. 

What Makes a Healthy Family Dynamic?

Now that we know what to look out for, the question we must ask is, “What makes a healthy family dynamic?”

A healthy family dynamic, also known as a functional family dynamic, is not one that is perfect. Sibling rivalries will likely still exist. An adolescent might still slam doors and roll their eyes. Parents may still make mistakes. The point of a healthy family dynamic is not to be perfect, but to know how to come together to heal and grow when mistakes are made. 

Signs of healthy family dynamics include:

• Individuation: Being safe enough within a family dynamic to express your own individuality. 
• Mutuality: A shared feeling of togetherness and warmth.
• Flexibility: Being able to adapt to individual family needs and life changes. 
• Stability: Having enough structure and routine to feel safe in. 
• Clear communication: Good communication skills. 
• Role reciprocity: Having and agreeing to appropriate roles and responsibilities.

A healthy family dynamic is one in which everyone feels safe and protected, not necessarily one in which everyone gets along great all the time. It’s also not one without rules. Rules, boundaries, and consequences are all an important part of a healthy family dynamic. They provide that structure and stability that is so important. 

However, the rules are not suffocating, and the consequences are never cruel. Family authority is able to adapt to unique situations and display both warmth and protection. (An authoritative parenting style is usually the head of a functional family household.) 

Family Therapy for a Healthier Family Dynamic

If you recognize family dynamics from the toxic section of this blog, you aren’t alone. It is possible to shift into healthy family dynamics and heal from the damage that toxic family dynamics can leave on family members, family therapy can help.  

It’s hard to break the cycles of abuse and patterns of toxic family dynamics that can linger from generation to generation, even in the most well-meaning people. Also, healing from past trauma and getting past years of mistrust and resentment can be hard to do on your own. That’s what a family therapist is for. 

Lifebulb Counseling offers family therapy online and in-person. We accept most major insurances and have little to no wait time. We are able to accommodate family sessions and individual sessions to address individual issues and needs. Contact our team to be scheduled for a family counseling session today, or browse our list of family therapists near you to find someone who fits your needs.