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Three Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics and How to Fix Them

relationship dynamics

Everyone experiences relationships. From our coworkers to our friends, partners, and families, we engage with people in different ways every day. Relationship dynamics are the patterns that make a specific relationship. Your dynamic with your sister is likely different than the dynamic with your friend, for example. 

Relationship dynamics can be both healthy and unhealthy. This article goes over three unhealthy relationship dynamics and what you can do to fix them. 

What Is Relationship Dynamics?

All relationships will have a relationship dynamic, including your friendships, familial relationships, and romantic partnerships. Relationship dynamics are patterns of behaviors between two people that influence how they interact, relate, and behave around each other. 

Relationship dynamics are made up of coping mechanisms, values, deeply held beliefs, and unconscious emotions or traumas. Relationships are vital to our mental wellness, but they can pose as dangerous, too. If you’ve been hurt in relationships before, you might sense danger in the way a partner or friend behaves and act out protectively. Over time, these protective behaviors form a dynamic that can either help or hurt your relationship. 

A healthy relationship dynamic is possible for everyone, even if you’ve been burned in the past. A healthy relationship dynamic will encourage open communication, safe emotions, trust, compassion, and equality. An unhealthy relationship dynamic will involve vying for power and control over the relationship, which leads to miscommunication, unintentional hurt, and mistrust.

What Are Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics?

unhealthy relationship dynamics

You can notice unhealthy relationship dynamics by noticing patterns of behavior in you and your partner. Do the way you and your partner behave around each other often lead to arguments, conflict, and hurt feelings?

You may have an unhealthy dynamic that is repeating toxic behavior patterns. Examples of behavioral patterns that occur in an unhealthy relationship dynamic include:

  1. Constant Criticism and Blame: When one or both partners engage in a pattern of continuously criticizing or blaming each other, it can erode trust and lead to feelings of inadequacy.
  2. Lack of Communication or Stonewalling: Avoiding difficult conversations or shutting down communication can create a barrier to understanding and resolution, fueling resentment and disconnection. Stonewalling is a common example of this behavior. 
  3. Control and Manipulation: Whether through controlling behaviors or manipulative tactics, such as gaslighting or guilt-tripping, one partner exerting power over the other can lead to feelings of powerlessness and diminished self-worth.
  4. Isolation from Support Systems: If a partner isolates the other from friends, family, or support networks, it can create dependency and make it harder to seek help or perspective from others.
  5. Emotional or Physical Abuse: Any form of abuse, whether emotional, verbal, psychological, or physical, is a severe red flag indicating a toxic and harmful relationship dynamic.
  6. Lack of Respect for Boundaries: Disregarding personal boundaries, whether physical, emotional, or psychological, can lead to feelings of violation and compromise individual autonomy and self-respect.
  7. Unequal Power Dynamics: When one partner consistently holds more power or control within the relationship, it can lead to feelings of imbalance, disempowerment, and resentment.
  8. Loss of trust or respect: If you are constantly on guard for your partner to betray you, you have an unhealthy relationship dynamic. You should be able to trust your partner when it comes to both big and small things. 

You might not experience these patterns in all parts of your relationship, either. There are often certain triggers that can exacerbate unhealthy relationship dynamics. You may experience more conflict when talking about:

  • Financial issues
  • Varying beliefs 
  • Parenting Styles
  • Physical intimacy and how you give/receive love
  • Roles and distribution of responsibilities 
  • Lifestyles 

If you identify an unhealthy relationship dynamic, know there is hope. Like all behavior, relationship dynamics can change. Healing from the inside out and a commitment to working together can get you started. 

What Are the Three Types of Relationship Dynamics?

When it comes to unhealthy relationship dynamics, there are three common power dynamics that emerge. These are Demand and Withdrawal, Distancer and Pursuer, and Fear and Shame. If you recognize these power dynamics in your relationship, reach out to a couples therapist near you to work through them. 

types of unhealthy relationship dynamics

Demand and Withdrawal

The demander will feel like their needs are not being met. As a result, they may ask their partner to fulfill those needs—helping out with chores or displaying more physical or emotional intimacy, for example. The withdrawer ignores these requests, either consciously or unconsciously. 

Distancer and Pursuer

This is a one-sided relationship, in which one person is putting in all the work and the other is either not giving back or is actively putting distance between themselves and the pursuer. This can often be rooted in differing attachment styles

Fear and Shame

One partner is fearful of sharing or receiving love. As a result, the other partner feels hurt or shamed, which can lead to them lashing out angrily. This relationship dynamic is often rooted in past trauma, unhealthy relationships with caregivers, and an anxious or insecure attachment style. 

Why Are Relationship Dynamics Important?

Understanding your relationship dynamic is the first step to building a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. It can get to the root of the conflict in your relationship and provide tools to build healthier dynamics and patterns. 

What Causes Relationship Dynamics?

Relationship dynamics are a compilation of your past experiences, values, and thought patterns. Unhealthy power dynamics in a relationship can emerge because of:

  • Insecure attachment styles
  • Past relationship trauma
  • Tumultuous or neglectful relationship with caregivers
  • Untreated mental health issues. 
  • Having unhealthy relationship patterns modeled to you as a child 

This is not a cohesive list, as relationship dynamics are a result of a lifetime of lived experiences. Just know that it is possible to change an unhealthy relationship dynamic to a healthy one. 

How to Change Your Relationship Dynamic

To change your relationship dynamic from unhealthy to healthy, you first have to become aware of what type of relationship dynamic you have. Take stock of the patterns you see and bring them up to your partner. Discuss your thoughts and feelings surrounding your behavior. Once you’ve identified the root cause, you can begin to heal. 

  1. Treat each other with love: Unhealthy relationship dynamics are often rooted in wanting power in order to feel safe. Set aside this desire and instead reach out with love and kindness. It can be scary to put down the pursuit of power in a relationship, but doing so will help you react with love, not fear. 
  2. Communicate your needs and wants: Be more obvious than you think you have to when talking about your needs and wants. Be clear, concise, and understanding. 
  3. Practice empathy for your partner: Instead of lashing out when you’re frustrated, take a moment to understand their perspective. Why could they be feeling the way they are? Even if you still need to have a conversation with them about their behavior, taking time to understand their perspective will help prevent conflicts. 
  4. Set healthy boundaries: Boundaries are vital, even the healthiest relationships have them (in fact, they likely have a lot). Make a list of your and your partner’s boundaries and how they need to be upheld. 
  5. Learn to fight healthily: Disagreements will happen. Create some ground rules for when they do. For example, only using “I statements”, having good aftercare, or coming to a solution together. 
  6. Work on building your intimacy and understanding: Connect deeper with each other by installing weekly dates, pursuing new activities together, or being physically intimate with each other. 
  7. Try couples therapyCouples therapy is a good option for those struggling with unhealthy relationship dynamics. A couples therapist can work through past trauma, current conflicts, and build a healthy base for your relationship to thrive. 

Lifebulb has online, affordable couples therapists available near you. Contact our team or browse our list of couples therapists to find one that fits your needs. 

You don’t have to be stuck in an unhealthy relationship dynamic. The first step towards healing starts today. 

Find Your Therapist

Frequently Asked Questions

A power dynamic in a relationship refers to the distribution of control, influence, and authority between partners. It influences how decisions are made, how conflicts are resolved, and how each person's needs and boundaries are respected. Healthy power dynamics involve mutual respect, collaboration, and communication, whereas unhealthy power dynamics can lead to imbalance, manipulation, and feelings of disempowerment.

Recognizing and addressing an unhealthy relationship dynamic is an essential step towards growth and healing. Open communication, setting boundaries, seeking support from a therapist or counselor, and prioritizing self-care are key strategies. By exploring underlying issues, learning healthier communication skills, and fostering mutual respect, it is possible to transform and improve the dynamic within the relationship.

 Ideal relationship dynamics are characterized by mutual respect, trust, effective communication, shared values, and support for each other's growth. Healthy relationships involve both partners feeling heard, valued, and understood, with a sense of teamwork and collaboration in facing challenges and celebrating successes together.

Common relationship dynamics vary but may include patterns such as poor communication, lack of boundaries, codependency, power struggles, emotional volatility, or differing expectations. Recognizing these dynamics and working towards healthier patterns can lead to more fulfilling and supportive relationships.

Yes, therapy can be immensely beneficial in addressing and transforming unhealthy relationship dynamics. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore underlying issues, learn effective communication skills, set boundaries, and develop strategies to foster healthier relationships. Therapy can empower individuals to improve their relationship dynamics, prioritize their well-being, and work towards creating fulfilling connections that support their mental health and overall well-being. If you are experiencing challenges in your relationships, reaching out to a therapist can be a valuable step towards creating positive change and living your brightest life.

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