A close family is something most of us want. The kind of familial relationship where you can lean on one another, support each other, and cheer each other on through life. Like most things, however, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.
What happens when your family is too close?
An enmeshed family system is one that lacks boundaries, in which boundaries and roles are confused. In an enmeshed family system, members get emotionally tangled and have trouble separating the self from the family. Fortunately, there are ways to heal from this family style before trauma and other negative side effects can occur.
What is an Enmeshed Family System?
An enmeshed family system lacks boundaries and roles. As a result, individual members develop emotional dependence on each other, and their identity may become blurred with that of other families.
Although roles and identities within a family do not have to be traditional, they are still important to the health and functioning of a family. For example, in an enmeshed family system, children may be treated like friends rather than children. The parents may talk to them about their issues like they were peers and start to live vicariously through them.
Enmeshment vs Codependency
Enmeshment may result in codependency, but they are two different ideas. Enmeshment is a family dynamic in which personal identities are lost to the whole. Codependency, on the other hand, describes an individual’s reliance on someone to fulfill their emotional needs, at the expense of themselves and other relationships.
As you can imagine, enmeshment often leads to codependency within the family structure. For example, a son and a mother may have a codependent relationship within an enmeshed family structure. However, this is not always the case, as codependency should be analyzed at the individual level.
What is enmeshment trauma?
Children who grew up in an enmeshed family system may grow up to have enmeshment trauma. This is trauma that stems from the blurred roles and responsibilities that occur within an enmeshed family structure. Often, a child is expected to take on more than their fair share of responsibilities, acting as their parents' friend or the golden child.
Symptoms of enmeshment trauma include:
- Not knowing who they are outside of being a part of their family
- Chronic guilt or shame
- People-pleasing behavior
- Fear of abandonment or rejection
- Difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries
- Codependent relationships
- Suppressed emotions
- Low self-esteem or self-worth
- Anxiety or depression
If you recognize these signs in yourself, check our signs of enmeshment below. You might have grown up in an enmeshed family system and could benefit from therapy.
What are the signs of enmeshment?
You might be in an enmeshed family system if you recognize the following signs within your family:
- Lack of boundaries: Family members share everything—thoughts, emotions, responsibilities—without respecting personal space or privacy.
- Over-involvement in each other’s lives: Relatives are excessively invested in each other’s choices, relationships, and emotions, often to the point of control.
- Emotional dependence: Family members rely on each other to meet emotional needs that should be handled independently or within peer relationships.
- Guilt for individuality: Expressing independent thoughts, goals, or preferences leads to guilt, shame, or rejection from the family.
- Difficulty making decisions without family input: Even as adults, individuals feel unable or afraid to make personal decisions without approval or guidance from family.
- Suppressed negative emotions: Criticism, conflict, or disagreement is discouraged or punished, leading to repressed anger or sadness.
- Family loyalty over personal needs: Members are expected to put the family’s needs above their own well-being, even when it’s harmful.
- “Parentified” children: Children are placed in caretaker roles, emotionally or physically, often acting as a confidant or mediator for parents.
- Lack of personal identity: Family roles define individuals—such as “the responsible one” or “the caretaker”—making it hard to develop a true sense of self.
- Fear of disconnection or abandonment: Stepping away from the family, even temporarily or for healthy reasons, causes extreme anxiety or backlash.
- Secrets and denial: Unhealthy behaviors are normalized or hidden under the pretense of “protecting the family” or keeping a good image.
What Does Parental Enmeshment Look Like?
Children of an enmeshed family system may feel like they were never able to be a kid, put extra pressure on themselves to perform well, and are hyper-attuned to their parents' emotions. But what about the parents?
Enmeshed parents might:
- Have difficulty letting a child go
- Want to make big decisions for their children
- Feel responsible for the child’s emotions and behaviors
- Feel guilty and/or resentful when their children fail
- Have trouble finding happiness in themselves, instead living vicariously through their children
Many enmeshed parents are modelling the behavior that they experienced as children. Enmeshed family systems are frequently passed down because people tend to model the behavior they saw as children.
What are the examples of enmeshment?
Enmeshment in a family system will look different for everyone. Some examples might look like:
- The parent divulges their marriage problems, thoughts, and emotions to their child because “my child is my best friend.”
- A child chooses a college close to their parents because they want to avoid “breaking the family apart.”
- Parents frequently come into children’s rooms and go through their stuff.
- An older child starts dating someone, and the whole family weighs into their decision to do so. If the family doesn’t approve of the partner, the child breaks up with them.
- A child joins the swim team because it's what their parents did and they want to make them happy.
- A child moves across the country to pursue their dream, and the family guilts them for breaking up the family and leaving them.
- There is one overarching identity within the family, and people aren’t allowed to deviate from that. For example, pushing children to continue the family business.
- Parents hide or minimize past trauma that happened within the family unit to avoid bringing shame or embarrassment. Trauma, if it happens, is not often talked about.
These are only a few examples of enmeshment; there are many others. Fortunately, it is possible to heal from family enmeshment.
How to Heal from Enmeshment
The core of healing from enmeshment trauma involves three steps:
- Make boundaries: Just like a wound can’t heal until the thorn is taken out, you can’t fully heal from enmeshment trauma until you put up boundaries and remove the thorn of enmeshment. Boundaries can include things like:
- “I don’t want anyone going through my phone, diary, or into my room without my explicit, verbal permission.”
- “I’m going to move out of state. I will call you once a week and be home for the holidays. This does not mean I don’t love you, but I need the space to chase my own dreams.”
- “I’m not going to [become a doctor, join the sports team, etc.] just because you did. I am my own person and will make my own decisions.”
- “I appreciate how close we are, but I don’t want to hear about your marriage and relational issues.”
- “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it, but I am going to a therapist to talk about the trauma that happened when I was younger.”
- Develop a sense of self: Begin to form your identity outside of your family. This may include finding your own hobbies, friends, style of dress and hairstyle, media you consume, and dreams that you have.
- Seek therapy for lingering trauma: Family enmeshment can lead to lasting trauma. Children who grew up in an enmeshed family system may experience people pleasing, codependency, anxiety, and depression at higher rates than those who didn’t. Therapy can help you heal from these symptoms by addressing and healing from the root issue: your childhood.
If you are ready to find your own sense of self and break free from the enmeshed family system, contact Lifebulb Therapy today. We accept most major insurances and have therapists open to see you this week.
Family can be a beautiful, supportive system, but only if you are allowed to be yourself within it.
