What is a golden child? 7 Signs and How to Heal

What is golden child syndrome?

To understand golden child syndrome, let’s look at an example:

Mary is the oldest child of three. Her mother put her into swimming when she was very young because it was what she did growing up. Mary is praised by her mother for her swimming skills and soon it becomes expected that she will become the best swimmer in the state, get good grades, and enter an Ivy League school for college. Throughout her childhood, Mary’s mother heaps attention on her, ensuring that every bit of physical appearance, grades, and performance are the best they can be, often at the expense of time spent with her other children. With her friends, Mary’s mother gushes about what a perfect daughter Mary is, how her daughter will do great things just like she would have done if she hadn’t had kids, and how considerate Mary is to her mother’s problems, even helping out consistently with her younger siblings! 

From the outside, this mother-daughter relationship may look like any other, in fact, it may look healthy. But underneath the praise and dedication is an unhealthy obsession. 

Golden child syndrome is not caused by a helicopter parent, high expectations, or an involved parent. It goes much deeper than that. Golden child syndrome essentially strips the identity of the child down to what they can do for the family: what prestige they can bring, what dreams of their parents they can accomplish, and how they can make their parents' lives easier and happier. 

A golden child experience often entails: 

1. The parent lives vicariously through the child, going so far as to push all of their own unfulfilled dreams onto their child. 
2. The parent heaps attention (both positive and negative) onto the chosen golden child at the expense of their other children. 
3. The golden child is expected to keep their parents happy, usually by stepping into a parental role too soon. 
4. The parent justifies their actions by claiming it is to give their child the life they themselves never had, they just have their child’s best interest at heart, or they want to do what is best for them. However, the child rarely has a say. 
5. The expectations for the golden child hover over them, and they are expected to please their parents and live out their parent’s unfulfilled ambitions at every stage.  

As we’ll explore later, the golden child usually also takes the brunt of their parents' narcissistic traits. Narcissism is a common trait found in parents who choose a golden child. 

Signs of a Golden Child

Although everyone will experience being a golden child differently, a few signs of golden child syndrome include:

1. Self-worth dependent on the ability to achieve: Growing up, the amount of praise and validation a golden child got was directly related to how much they achieved. This creates a need to achieve and feeling like you only have worth when you’re achieving great things. 
2. Struggle with independence: Due to the over-involvement of their parents, they may struggle with developing a sense of independence and self-reliance. They may feel like they don’t know who they are or what they want. 
3. People-pleasing behavior: In addition to the high expectations set by parents, golden children are also expected to manage their parents' emotions. They might feel very attuned to their parents' emotions so they can fix it when their parents get sad or upset. 
4. Parentfied: “Parentified” is when a child is expected to step into a parent role much too early. There are a lot of expectations riding on the golden child’s shoulders, and this can cause them to grow up much too quickly. 
5. Guilt: A golden child may feel like everything is their fault, since growing up it was their responsibility to make sure everything went right. Also, if they have siblings, they may feel guilty or ashamed of being the chosen one to receive all the praise and attention. 
6. Interfamily conflict: The golden child often steps up as a second or third parent, which can strain relationships between siblings. This conflict can make it difficult for a golden child to understand their role in the family. 
7. Highly self-critical: The golden child will constantly be on high alert for any of their own faults, so they can fix it and continue to be perfect for their parents. 

It is not the child’s fault they were chosen as the golden child and expected to carry the weight of the family’s expectations and praise. With self-awareness, a golden child can begin to extradite themselves from their parents’ expectations.

Does Narcissism Cause Golden Child Syndrome?

Parents with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) often choose one of their children to become a golden child. This child becomes an extension of their Narcissistic parent, and the parent sees their child only in terms of what the child can provide for them, feeding off of their successes and attention. The child essentially becomes the number one provider of the narcissist’s supply. “Narcissistic supply” is the pathological need for attention and praise that narcissists chase. It is practically endless, and a child can spend their entire lives trying to please their parents, who by way of their disorder, cannot fully be pleased. 

Effects of Being a Golden Child

Being a golden child doesn’t end when you move out. Even if you break ties with your parents, having been a golden child can have long-term effects if not treated properly. 

• High anxiety levels: The constant pressure to be perfect and achieve all of your parents’ dreams can lead to incredibly high-stress levels, which can result in an anxiety disorder. Generalized Anxiety Disorder and OCD are common among golden children. 
• Trauma and PTSD: The relationship between a golden child and their parent can be abusive, especially if that parent is a narcissist. If the parent is verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive towards the child, trauma, PTSD, and c-PTSD can occur. 
• Struggle with self-esteem: When the entirety of their self-worth hinges on their parents’ approval, golden children can develop very low self-esteem. They never learned how to have their own identity or sense of self-worth, and learning these skills in adulthood can be challenging. 
• Lack of boundaries: A golden child’s identity is fully intertwined with someone else's. Even if they outgrow this relationship, the behaviors they learned will persist until they are addressed. This means a lack of boundaries, putting others ahead of themselves, and fighting for others’ approval. 

Sometimes, a golden child may also begin to exhibit narcissistic traits themselves. Growing up in a household with one or two narcissistic parents, golden children pick up on unhealthy behaviors. This does not mean they have narcissistic personality disorder, but rather that they must take an honest look at their childhood and ask themselves: Do I want to be like Mom/Dad? What parts of myself are a reflection of them? 

How to heal from being a golden child

Healing from golden child syndrome might involve addressing trauma, unhealthy behavior patterns, and abusive relationships. It is a complicated web stretching all the way back to childhood. However, it is possible. 

Here are a few ways you can start healing from golden child syndrome: 

• Set healthy boundaries: As the golden child, you’re probably used to your boundaries constantly being violated, to the point where it becomes normal. It’s not. As you heal from golden child syndrome, set healthy boundaries with the people in your life. 
• Get to know yourself: A golden child’s sense of self was effectively stripped from them growing up. As you heal, take the time to understand who you are: your likes, dislikes, goals, and fears. 
• Hold space for your own emotions: You are probably used to making space for other’s emotions, but what about your own? When was the last time you sat with your own emotions and let them be, without judgment? Making space for your own emotions will help you understand your childhood and yourself better.
• Practice mindfulness: It’s understandable to want to forget everything that happened to you and try to move on, but that’s not always possible. What happened to you is a part of you, and listening to the pain, shame, and guilt is an important part of moving forward. Mindfulness can help you understand what you are feeling, when, and why. 
• Go to therapy: Being a golden child can result in trauma, anxiety, and strained relationships. Although it is possible to heal without the help of a licensed professional, your journey may be faster with therapy. Talk therapy is an effective way to heal from childhood trauma and build a brighter future. 

If you are a golden child, know that there is hope. The parental relationship you experienced as a child was not a healthy one, but you can heal and step into yourself fully. You deserve to feel loved unconditionally, by others and yourself. 

If you would like to talk to a therapist about golden child syndrome, Lifebulb can help. We offer in-person and online therapists across the US. Contact our team or browse our therapist directory to find a therapist near you. 

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