Coparenting after a divorce or separation will never be easy. You’re trying to heal, move on, and rebuild your life, all while learning an entirely new parenting style and trying to watch out for your kids' well-being.
Although dual custody will never be easy, there are ways to approach it that make it easier, more sustainable, and healthier for everyone involved.
What Is Coparenting?
There are myriad ways to have a family. Some kids have two parents, some have one, some have more than two. Some kids have parents who are still together and some don’t.
When parents are separated but still in the child’s life and helping to parent them, it’s called coparenting. Although the parents are not involved sexually or romantically anymore, they still work together to raise the child. This is easier said than done, as interacting, making decisions, and problem-solving with your ex-partner can be stressful, frustrating, and exhausting, especially when you’re first starting out.
What Are the Three Types of Coparenting?
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There are plenty of ways to do coparenting, and when done right, a child will grow up healthy and happy, knowing that they are loved. Two happy homes are better than one unhappy home. The key, in addition to making a happy home for yourself, is to have a good coparenting relationship with your ex.
The three types of coparenting are:
- Cooperative Coparenting: Parents communicate well, respect one another, and work together to make decisions that benefit the child. This approach provides stability and emotional security for the child, and is the best type.
- Parallel Coparenting: Parents have little interaction and manage their parenting separately. They avoid conflict by keeping communication limited and maintaining clear boundaries. While it works, it lacks teamwork. It is a good option for parents who are unable to work together without conflict.
- Conflicted Coparenting: Parents frequently argue, criticize, or undermine each other. The constant tension and inconsistency can cause stress and confusion for the child, impacting their emotional well-being. This type of coparenting is not recommended and can have a negative impact on a child's future well-being.
No parent will be perfect, not even parents who are still together. The goal of coparenting is to find something that works for you, works for your ex, and is good for your children.
Learn about the 4 different parenting styles (and which one is best) here.
Tips for Coparenting and Joint Custody
First, congratulate yourself on coming this far. If you’re reading this article, it means you care about your kids' mental and emotional well-being and are willing to put in the work to make dual custody work.
That step alone will make all the difference as you learn how to coparent. So, take a deep breath. You’ve got this.
Some tips to make coparenting easier and healthier for everyone involved include:
- Put the child first. Make decisions based on what’s best for the child, not on personal disagreements. Try to keep disagreements out of the earshot of the child.
- Create a parenting plan. Outline schedules, responsibilities, and decision-making processes to reduce conflict. You won’t be able to anticipate every problem, but coming up with general roles, rules, and plans for how you will handle conflict when it comes up can make the experience less stressful for everyone. For example, how will the child spend their summer breaks? What will you do for the holidays and birthdays? Discussing these things before they happen will help minimize conflict.
- Establish consistent rules. If you can, coordinate routines, discipline, and expectations between households to provide stability. Making sure expectations and discipline stay consistent can help the child feel stable amidst the transition.
- Communicate respectfully: Communication is going to be the bedrock for a good coparenting relationship. Keep conversations focused on the child. It might be tempting to fall back into old ways of communicating, but remember that you aren’t parents anymore. You’re coparents. Avoid blame and use calm, clear language.
- Support the child’s relationship with the other parent. Encourage positive interaction and avoid talking negatively about your coparent with your child. The goal of coparenting is for the child to have a healthy relationship with both parents, so encouraging that through positivity, regardless of how you feel at the moment towards your coparent, is helpful. (This changes, of course, in issues of abuse, neglect, or substance abuse. The child always comes first, and if you suspect mistreatment by your coparent, keeping your child safe is the priority. These tips assume both coparents want what’s best for the child.)
- Focus on consistency. Aim for similar routines, bedtimes, and rules across households to help the child feel secure.
- Respect boundaries. Avoid interfering in the other parent’s household and parenting choices. Finding the balance between consistency and respecting differences can be difficult. Have a conversation with your coparent about what’s most important to be shared between households. For example, maybe a consistent bedtime is an agreed-upon priority, but whether or not they do their homework before playing for the evening could be decided per household.
- Model healthy behavior. Children learn how to handle conflict, communication, and cooperation from their parents. Modeling this type of healthy communication will help a child learn that they can communicate and problem solve even through conflict.
Coparenting is tough. There is going to be an emotional toll that comes from it, and it can feel like you’re not allowed to talk about that toll in front of your child or coparent. If you find yourself struggling with anxiety, depression, or any other mental health issue, talking to a therapist can help. They can help you work out kinks in your coparenting style, navigate conflict, and keep yourself healthy.
Is Co-Parenting Healthy for a Child?
Yes, coparenting can be very healthy for a child, even more so than being parented by two parents who are together, if it is done properly.
No parent will be perfect. But if you put your love of your child above any argument you may have with your ex-partner, then coparenting can be a healthy and loving arrangement for a child.
Remember to communicate, put the child first, and take care of your own mental health.
Lifebulb’s individual and relationship therapy can help. Contact our team to be scheduled with a therapist who accepts your insurance.
