Nov 26, 2025
Across media and cultures, one theme stands out amongst all others: love.
Whether you’re watching a movie, listening to a song, reading a book, or talking with a friend, the concept or practice of love will probably come up. As a society, it can seem like we need love almost like we need food or water.
But is there any psychological evidence of our need for love? What is love, anyway? Is it an action or an emotion? Is the love shared by a romantic partner stronger than that shared between friends?
The study of love is a growing and complex field of science, and researchers don’t have all the answers. This article will summarize what we do know about what love is, how it affects us, and how we can better cultivate it in our lives.
What Is Love? Is It a Choice or a Feeling?
A common bit of relationship advice is that “love is an action, not a feeling.” The idea is that loving someone takes work and is shown in daily acts of love.
The truth is that love is both a choice and a feeling.
Romantic love has been found in all cultures, although how we experience and express love can vary greatly. This points towards some biological component of love—something in humans makes us want to seek out and form deep, romantic relationships.
With modern science, researchers have been able to prove that love is a neurological state.
One study found that the same part of our brain that is responsible for making us drink when we’re thirsty and eat when we’re hungry was activated in people who looked at pictures of their loved ones.
Other studies have found that being in love involves complicated hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and adrenaline across multiple brain structures like the hippocampus, amygdala, and the prefrontal cortex.
What does all that mean?
It means that love takes over the brain in more ways than one. Love has a huge neurological effect, so it’s not just a behavior.
But you only need to look at the anecdotal evidence to know that love has to have a behavioral element as well. Love without action will fade.
How Do You Know You’re in Love?
What’s the difference between a hard love and a love? Is there one?
Researcher Zick Rubin wanted to answer this question, and he came up with the Rubin’s scale of liking and loving. The Liking Scale and Loving Scale started out with 70 parts, but Rubin narrowed it down to just 13 after further research.
Overall, Rubin found 3 core aspects of romantic love:
- A deep attachment
- A desire to help and be helped by them
- An intimacy that is exclusive or unusually strong
These three elements—attachment, caring, and intimacy—are still looked at as core foundations of love today.
Rubin’s theory of love vs liking was never fully confirmed by other researchers, although there is some data to back up his claim. For example, he found that couples who scored higher on his love test also spent longer staring into each other’s eyes. (A known sign of love and affection.)
Types of Love
Another theory of love is Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love. This theory has garnered much regard for its universality across cultures.
Similar to Rubin, Sternberg broke true love down into three parts:
- Intimacy
- Passion
- Commitment
These three parts interact in different ways and intensities to create the 7 types of love:
- Friendship: A deep liking, in which you care for someone but don’t have the passion or commitment of other relationships.
- Infatuation: Pure passion, where liking and commitment might be missing.
- Empty: A type of love that is built solely on commitment. Liking, intimacy, and passion may have been a part of it in the past but what remains is just the commitment.
- Romantic: Combines intimacy and passion to form a bond that is both trusting and full of passion.
- Companionate: Deeper than simple friendship, compassionate love has elements of both liking and intimacy. It lacks the passion of romantic love, but is more committed than friendship.
- Fatuous: Involving commitment and passion. A whirlwind romance in which passion becomes the bedrock for commitment. This type is usually unstable in the long term.
- Consummate: Intimacy, passion, and commitment, consummate love is the true and ideal love.
Sternberg also believed that love is an action. He thought that true love was easier to achieve than it was to maintain, unless regular maintenance and work went into the relationship.
Although Sternberg’s theory has received criticism in recent years, it still remains an important theory in the psychology of love.
How Love Makes Us Feel
Turns out, the love songs are right. The part of our brain responsible for satiating our thirst and hunger activates when we look at someone we love… because we need love.
Heartbreak has been found to cause real, physical pain. Love sickness really can make you sick. Overall, a lack of community is one of the biggest risk factors for mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and substance abuse.
The reverse is also true. Love—whether it’s the love between friends, a romantic partner, or a child—can have great impacts on our mental and physical health, including:
- Reduce stress
- Boost mood
- Improve resilience
- Improve self-esteem
- Boost the immune system
- Improve heart health
- Lower blood pressure
- Increase tolerance for pain
Among other positive benefits.
How to Cultivate More Love in Your Life
We’ve established that love is a good thing and that there is more than one type of love.
So how can we cultivate more love in our lives?
Here are some tips:
- Put yourself out there: Connection cannot happen without vulnerability. Although it’s scary, avoid the urge to self-isolate. Go to events, ask deep questions, and be your authentic self.
- Put in the work: The feeling of love won’t maintain itself. Invite your friends over, plan romantic dates, and express how you feel through words of affirmation.
- Don’t be afraid of conflict: Conflict is the normal friction of two people living closely intertwined lives. On its own, it is not a bad thing. How we handle conflict is when problems can start to arise. Practice good conflict management skills, talk through your problems, and always express your love afterward.
- Practice self-love, too: Self-love is the practice of appreciating yourself through kind thoughts, words, and actions. Activities like meditation, engaging in hobbies, positive self-talk, and “treating yourself” are all examples of self-love.
- Forgive people: Although healthy boundaries are important, holding a grudge is a quick way to make love disappear. Instead, forgiving and allowing for mistakes can deepen a relationship. Just make sure you know where your hard line is, and don’t put up with abusive behavior.
If you struggle with any elements of loving someone else, talking to a therapist can help. There are many reasons why you might struggle to love someone. From past trauma to anxiety to simply not knowing how, a therapist can help you get to the root of your issues and develop the skills you need to thrive.
