What are mommy issues?

What Are “Mommy Issues”?

Moms are humans too, and like all humans that means they have the potential to be neglectful, manipulative, overly critical, controlling, or overly protective. When a child’s relationship with their mother is strained, they may develop “mommy issues” later in life, marked by difficulty making positive relationships with other women, self-esteem issues, anxiety, and insecure attachment issues. 

“Mommy issues” are not always synonymous with abuse. For example, someone whose mother passed away when they were very young may experience signs of “mommy issues” without the relationship being abusive. 

The “mommy issues” discussed in this article are also not synonymous with trauma and PTSD, although both can exist at the same time. Childhood trauma caused by maternal abuse or neglect is a common cause of c-PTSD. If you think you experienced trauma at a young age, talk to a licensed therapist about how c-PTSD could be influencing your life. 

Signs of “Mommy Issues”

Everyone has a different relationship with their mother and will experience different effects from a strained or unhealthy maternal relationship. However, when people say “mommy issues”, they are usually referring to this subset of symptoms:

• Struggles with forming healthy attachments and maintaining intimate relationships, especially with women. 
• Low self-esteem and self-worth 
• Difficulty trusting others and forming meaningful connections
• Feelings of abandonment or neglect, impacting emotional well-being
• Persistent feelings of anxiety or depression
• Difficulty expressing affection 
• Insecure attachment style, making it hard to form healthy relationships
• A constant need for validation when in a relationship
• Overcriticizing or unaffectionate, mirroring behaviors exhibited by your mother. 

It's important to remember that these signs are complex and deeply personal. Seeking the support of a compassionate therapist can provide valuable insight and guidance as you navigate these challenges. At Lifebulb, our team of understanding therapists is dedicated to offering support and guidance on your journey towards healing and a brighter, more fulfilling life.

“Mommy Issues” in Men

Although the effects of a strained maternal relationship can affect both sons and daughters, it is most often talked about in respect to men. How “mommy issues” affect men vs women is determined by societal understanding of gender and the expectations of a mother-son relationship vs a mother-daughter relationship.

Some common signs of “mommy issues” in a man include:

• Lack of self-identity
• Over-dependence on the women in his life
• Inability to accept accountability for his actions. 
• Issues with self-esteem
• Hyper-independence and disregard for women in their life
• Need for validation
• Overly critical
• Fear of abandonment. 

In men, “mommy issues” are more likely to present themselves in how he views and acts around women. For example, a man who was coddled by their mother will exhibit different signs than a man who was neglected by his mother. 

“Mommy Issues” in Women

In women, “mommy issues” may be compounded by societal expectations of women. Signs of “mommy issues” in women include:

• Trust issues
• Difficulty forming deep relationships
• Seeking validation from others
• Difficulty holding boundaries 
• People-pleaser
• Avoiding intimacy 

Do I Have “Mommy Issues”?

When people have a strained relationship with their mother, they tend to go in one of two directions as an adult: mirroring their mother's behavior or doing the opposite of their mother’s behavior. 

For example, if the only maternal relationship you experienced was clingy, overbearing, critical, and suffocating, you may exhibit the same behavior to other women in your life. On the other hand, if you are self-aware of the unhealthy relationship your mother had with you, you may go too far in the opposite direction, becoming a people-pleaser, codependent, and craving validation in an effort to not become your mother. 

Signs you have “mommy issues” include:

• You are over-dependent or fully independent from your mother. 
• You either avoid and resent your mother or still turn to her for every little thing.  
• You notice it’s difficult for you to form healthy relationships with other women in your life. 
• You notice patterns of behavior similar to how your mother behaved. 
• You struggle with self-identity, self-esteem, and communication, especially around women in your life.

This is not an exhaustive list. Everyone’s relationship with their mother is different, and that can result in differing symptoms as they grow older.

How to Help Someone with Mommy Issues

If you are in a relationship with someone who has “mommy issues”, you might be tempted to help them heal. While this is a noble idea, remember that it is not your job to fix anyone. The first question you need to ask is “Do they want to heal?” You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. 

Prioritize setting boundaries for yourself in a relationship with someone who has mommy issues. They deserve love and support, absolutely, but if they aren’t willing to work on themselves, you could be effectively pouring energy into an endless void. 

If you are in a relationship (whether friendship, romantic, or otherwise) with someone who has mommy issues and wants to heal, here are some ideas to support them: 

• Be empathetic: It may take time to undo the damage an unhealthy maternal relationship causes. Be patient and try to understand where they’re coming from. 
• Be there for them: Check-in with them. Sit with them and give them space to be fully honest about everything that’s happening. 
• Hold them accountable: If they are trying to unlearn bad behavior they learned from their mother, gently hold them accountable when they mess up. 
• Model healthy relationships: Sometimes the best thing you can do is show them what a healthy relationship looks like! Manage your boundaries well, exercise good communication skills, and keep your emotional regulation skills strong and you’ll be modeling a type of relationship they may never get the chance to experience. 
• Encourage therapy: Sometimes, people need to talk to a professional. It is not your job to fix anyone, but a therapist can provide them with the help they need. 

Healing from a harmful maternal relationship can take a long time; your mother was a big part of your life! It always helps to have someone in your corner, cheering you on. 

Building Healthy Maternal Relationships: Tips and Tricks

Sometimes, people with “mommy issues” want to heal their relationship with their mother later in life. This is absolutely possible 

1. Have strong boundaries: As you redefine a relationship with your mother, it’s important to know what your boundaries are. When will you respond to her and how? What behaviors did she used to exhibit that you won’t stand for anymore? Know these things before you attempt to open a conversation with your mother. 
2. Have an escape plan: Understand that changing your relationship with your mother may not be what she wants, and she may react poorly. If you are in danger of being triggered (a physical response to re-experiencing trauma) or are in any way physically, emotionally, or mentally unsafe, you’ll want an escape plan. Always drive yourself to her house, try to meet in public spaces, or take a friend with you when you converse with her.  
3. Communicate plainly: People with “mommy issues” likely had unhealthy communication styles demonstrated to them. Instead of falling back into this pattern, communicate healthily. You could also practice what you want to say with a friend. 
4. Don’t rise to the bait: If you try to change your relationship with your mother, she may respond by trying to keep the status-quo. Depending on your pre-existing relationship this could look like love-bombing, manipulation tactics, bribing, guilt-tripping, or an explosive emotional or physical reaction. If this happens, keep your cool and stay strong in your boundaries. 
5. Surround yourself with a support system: You deserve to be loved healthily and fully. Surround yourself with people who give you this sort of love and make it easy for you to give it back instead. Be honest with them about what is happening with your mother and how they can help. 
6. Encourage therapy: Your mother may have “mommy issues” of her own, and be perpetuating a cycle that goes generations back. If you can, encourage her to seek out therapy for herself, maybe even bringing up how therapy has helped you and your own journey. 

Therapy for “Mommy Issues”

If you have a tumultuous relationship with your mother and want to work on it, therapy can help. A therapist will help you examine your relationship with your mother, what it was like, and how it is affecting you now. The goal of therapy is not to demonize your mother—we understand she was human, too. Instead, therapy aims to accurately reflect your relationship with her and understand how it is affecting you today. 

If you would like to meet with a therapist for “mommy issues”, give our team a call or look through our therapist directory to find a therapist near you. 

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