What are Mommy Issues?

What Are “Mommy Issues”?

Moms, just like any person, carry their own trauma, and potentially unresolved childhood trauma, and it can impact their relationships with their children. They have the potential to be neglectful, overly critical, controlling, manipulative, or overprotective. There’s plenty of research on what makes a parent neglectful or why parents need social support, satisfaction, and equity to show up for their children. But when a child’s relationship with their mother is strained, they may develop mommy issues later in life. 

And because children tend to interact with moms the most, since Moms are often taking on the largest domestic labor share, a strained relationship with a mother can be potent. Mommy issues can manifest as difficulty forming positive relationships with other women, low self-esteem, anxiety, and an insecure attachment.

Mommy issues are not always a sign of abuse. For example, someone whose mother passed away when they were very young may experience signs of mommy issues without the relationship having been abusive or harmful.

The mommy issues discussed in this article are also not always a sign of trauma or PTSD, although both can simultaneously exist. Childhood trauma caused by maternal abuse or neglect is a common cause of complex PTSD (C-PTSD). If you want to address trauma experienced as a child or mommy issues, seeing a therapist is the best way to heal. In therapy, you can address unresolved childhood mother relationship issues, complex family dynamics, trauma, and learn how to set boundaries with an overbearing parent.

What Causes Mommy Issues?

Issues with a maternal figure usually arise during adolescence. Causes could be from a relationship with a maternal figure where they were:

• Codependent

• Neglectful

• Overprotective, or

• Manipulative 

Additional causes of mommy issues include: 

• A Narcissistic Mother - A narcissistic parent’s behaviours contribute harm to a child’s development and could cause anxious or avoidant attachment styles.

• Parentification of a child - giving a child adult responsibilities too early could negatively impact the relationship between mother and child. 

• Controlling behavior and emotional abuse

• Enmeshment / Covert Incest - happens when a parent relies on a child for emotional needs. Children are not able to take care of their parents, and putting that responsibility on a child will create a strained relationship. 

What are the Signs of Mommy Issues?

Everyone’s got a different relationship with their mother, and the effects of a strained or unhealthy maternal relationship will vary from person to person. But when you refer to mommy issues, you’re generally describing a subset of symptoms. 

Here are some “mommy issues” signs:

• Low self-esteem and self-worth

• Feelings of abandonment or neglect

• Difficulty expressing affection

• Persistent feelings of anxiety or depression

• Difficulty trusting others and experiencing meaningful connections

• Struggling to form a healthy attachment

• Struggling to maintain intimate relationships, especially with women

• Having tendencies or signs of an insecure attachment style

• A constant need for validation in intimate and formal relationships

• Overcritical or unaffectionate behavior that mirrors what was exhibited by your mother

It’s important to remember that these signs are very personal, complex, and have nuance around them. The signs of mommy issues in a man can vary significantly from those seen in a woman. 

How can mommy issues affect your attachment style?

John Bowlby’s attachment theory dives into how early attachment experiences shape an individual’s social and emotional development throughout life.

There isn’t a specific attachment style that means you might have mommy issues. But mommy issues show up differently in each attachment style. 

Here are some examples: 

• An anxious attachment style -  someone has a fear of abandonment, clinginess, or a lot of need for assurance. 

• An avoidant attachment style -  someone is emotionally withdrawing often, experiences difficulty with intimacy, or distrusts others. 

• A disorganized or fearful avoidance attachment style - often linked to trauma. Usually shows as a push-and-pull behavior in relationships. 

If you have a healthy attachment style, you likely do not have mommy issues or have had the chance to work through your challenges and heal. 

Seeking the support of a compassionate therapist can provide valuable insight and guidance as you navigate these challenges. At Lifebulb, our team of understanding therapists is dedicated to offering support and guidance on your journey towards healing and a brighter, more fulfilling life.

What Are the Signs of Mother Issues in Men?

Although the effects of a strained maternal relationship can affect both men and women, it is most often discussed in relation to men. How “mommy issues” affect men versus women is shaped by societal understandings of gender and the differing expectations placed on mother-son versus mother-daughter relationships.

Common signs of mommy issues in men include:

• Lack of self-identity

• Issues with self-esteem

• Difficulty with intimacy

• Fear of abandonment

• A persistent need for validation

• Over-dependence on the women in his life

• Inability to accept accountability for his actions

• Being overly critical, especially toward women

• Hyper-independence and disregard for women in his life

Men with a complex relationship with their mother might also develop an oedipus complex, a psychosexual theory from Freud. In men, mommy issues are more likely to present themselves in how he views and behaves around women. For example, a man who was coddled by his mother will exhibit different signs than a man who was neglected by his mother. 

What Are the Signs of Mother Issues in Women?

“Mommy issues” manifest in women differently from men. Mommy issues in women may be further complicated by societal expectations placed on women. Signs of mommy issues in women include:

• Trust issues

• Avoiding intimacy

• Seeking validation from others

• Difficulty holding boundaries

• People-pleasing tendencies

• Difficulty forming deep relationships

How Do I Know if I Have Mommy Issues?

You might start to ask yourself, “Do I have mommy issues?” When people have a strained relationship with their mother, they tend to go in one of two directions as adults: mirroring their mother's behavior or doing the opposite of what their mother did. 

For example, if the only maternal relationship you experienced was clingy, overbearing, critical, and suffocating, you may demonstrate that same behavior toward other women in your life. On the other hand, if you are self-aware of the unhealthy relationship your mother had with you, you may overcorrect in the opposite direction — becoming a people-pleaser, growing codependent, and craving validation in an effort to avoid becoming like your mother.

Signs you may have mommy issues include:

• You are either over-dependent on your mother or have completely cut off contact with her.

• You either avoid, resent, or hate your mother, or you still turn to her for every little thing.

• You find it difficult to form healthy relationships with other women in your life.

• You notice patterns of behavior in yourself that are similar to how your mother behaved.

• You struggle with self-identity, self-esteem, and communication, especially around women.

This is not an exhaustive list. Everyone's relationship with their mother is different, and that can result in a wide range of symptoms as they grow older. And depending on your attachment style, signs of mommy issues will be different.

How to Build a Healthier Relationship with Your Mother

For people with mommy issues who want to repair their relationship with their mother, it is absolutely possible to do so. You will want to come up with some strategies for setting boundaries with an overbearing parent first. But here are some ideas to start repair:

• Establish strong boundaries. Before reopening lines of communication with your mother, know clearly where your limits are. How and when will you respond to her? What behaviors will you no longer tolerate? Define these things before engaging.

• Have an escape plan. Understand that changing the dynamic may not be something your mother wants, and she may react poorly. If there is any risk of being triggered or any physical, emotional, or mental safety concern, plan ahead. Drive yourself to meetings, meet in public spaces, or bring a trusted friend along.

• Communicate plainly. People with mommy issues were likely exposed to unhealthy communication patterns growing up. Rather than falling back into old habits, practice direct and healthy communication. Rehearsing what you want to say with a trusted friend beforehand can help.

• Do not rise to the bait. Your mother may resist changes to the dynamic and attempt to reinstate the status quo. Depending on your history together, this could look like love-bombing, manipulation, bribery, guilt-tripping, or an explosive reaction. If this happens, stay calm and hold firm in your boundaries.

• Build a support system. Surround yourself with people who love you in healthy, affirming ways. Be honest with them about what is happening and how they can support you. Yo udeserve to be loved healthily and fully.

Encourage your mother to seek therapy. Your mother may have mommy issues of her own, perpetuating a cycle that goes back generations This is known as intergenerational trauma / parenting impact. If you are able to, encourage her to explore therapy, perhaps by sharing how it has helped you in your own journey.

Therapy for Mommy Issues

If you have a difficult relationship with your mother and want to work through it, therapy can be incredibly helpful. A therapist will help you examine that relationship, your attachment style, and how your early childhood affects you today. 

The goal of therapy is not to demonize your mother. She’s human too, and likely affected my intergenerational maternal issues. Instead, therapy for mommy issues aims to help you see your maternal relationship clearly and understand how it is shaping your present life.

If you’re looking for a therapist, you’ll want to look for someone who has experience treating unresolved childhood or mother relationship issues. Likely, your therapist will have an Internal Family Systems (IFS) specialty, and specialize in attachment trauma. Lifebulb has therapists accepting new patients with these exact specialties! One of our therapists can help you heal, develop coping mechanisms, identify healthy relationships, and help you set boundaries. 

If you would like to meet with a top rated therapist specializing in mommy issues, give our team a call or browse our therapist directory to find a therapist near you.