What Is Toxic Positivity? Definition, Examples, and How to Deal With It

What is toxic positivity?

Toxic positivity is the pressure to only feel positive emotions at the expense of not feeling any negative emotions at all. It stems from the belief that comfortable, happy emotions are good while uncomfortable, distressing emotions are bad. This dichotomy, however, is untrue. 

Sometimes distressing emotions are good for you. Take grief for example: the process of grieving a loved one is an uncomfortable, distressing, and often heartbreaking process. But it is necessary. Those who don’t allow themselves to feel their grief put themselves at risk of developing prolonged grief disorder, substance use issues, depression, anxiety, and more. 

Toxic positivity spreads the lie that you are wrong for feeling grief, anger, sadness, exhaustion, loneliness, or disappointment. It pressures you into looking at the bright side, without giving you the space to feel your negative emotions.

All emotions have a purpose, even traditionally shunned ones like anger, which may alert you to danger or a crossed boundary. Sometimes, anger can even be a symptom of a mental health issue like depression. 

Examples of toxic positivity

Have you ever heard these phrases? They are examples of toxic positivity and could be harming your mental health. A lot of these sayings aren’t always bad. In fact, they can be comforting! What makes toxic positivity toxic isn’t the positivity, but the unwillingness to allow negative emotions to exist. 

Examples of toxic positivity include:

•  “It could be worse!”
• “Look on the bright side.”
• “Just think happy thoughts.”
• “You just have to try to be happy.”                        
• “Don’t worry, it’ll all work out.”      
• “Good vibes only!”                                                                                                                                                
• “Just stay positive.”
• “It’ll all be okay.”                                                                                                                                                
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “Good things come to those who work hard!”                      
• “You only get what you can handle.”                      
• “Look for the silver lining.”
• “You’re strong enough to handle this.”                              
• “At least you’re not. . .”                  
• “First-world problems.”                                                                                                                                
• “Think of everything you have to be grateful for!”              
• “Just relax.”                                                                                                                                                
• “You’ll be stronger because of this.”                                                                                                                                                

Even if you believe some of these sayings to be true, using these phrases as a way to shut down any unpleasant emotion is not healthy. For example, you may believe everything happens for a reason. Thinking so may bring you comfort and peace, but never feeling pain, loss, or sorrow is an unhealthy way to live. 

Signs of Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity isn't just saying, it’s a mindset that can be harmful to your mental health. Signs of toxic positivity include:

• Hiding painful emotions from yourself and others
• Not letting yourself feel distressing emotions by distracting yourself or repressing the emotions
• Feeling guilt and shame when you feel emotions such as anger, sadness, anxiety, or sorrow
• Ignoring problems
• Dismissing other’s painful emotions 
• Shaming yourself or others for having negative emotions
• Pretending that everything is okay

Over time, toxic positivity can result in more severe mental health conditions, such as:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Self-isolation
• Shame and guilt, leading to low self-worth
• Difficulty building meaningful relationships
• Maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as reckless behavior or substance abuse

Negative emotions don’t just go away because they are ignored. Instead, they will fester, growing in size or becoming destructive. 

What’s the Difference Between Toxic Positivity and Optimism?

Research shows that being positive can be good for your mental health and that people who are optimistic tend to be happier than those that are pessimistic. What’s the difference between toxic positivity and optimism? 

Optimism is rooted in reality and allows space for negative or uncomfortable emotions and situations. While optimistic people believe things will work out, that doesn’t stop them from understanding that the present may not be all that pleasant. 

Toxic positivity, on the other hand, refuses to acknowledge unpleasant realities, instead forcing positivity into situations that are simply not positive. 

Taking a balanced approach to positivity like optimism can be healthy, just make sure to acknowledge pain when it arises. 

How to avoid toxic positivity

Toxic positivity is everywhere. From social media telling you to just think positively to friends and family telling you good things are coming even when it feels like everything around you is falling apart, it can be hard to root out real positivity from toxic positivity. 

Here are some tips to help you stay away from toxic positivity and what to do when someone gives you toxic positivity.  

What to say instead of toxic positivity

If you have a habit of being toxically positive, it can be hard to switch. Practice saying these things to yourself and others instead of the toxic positivity sayings mentioned above. 

• How can I support you right now?
• I know it’s hard right now, and I’m proud of you for getting through it.
• It makes sense you feel this way. It won’t last forever, so take the time you need.
• That sounds really hard; I’m here for you. 
• It’s okay that you’re going through a hard time right now, what are you doing to take care of yourself?

Instead of pushing the emotions down, give yourself space to feel negative emotions. Then, implement some self-care like talking to a friend, exercising, or engaging in a hobby. Allow yourself the space and time to not be okay. 

How to shut down toxic positivity

If you’re having a bad day, are experiencing depression, grieving, or any other understandably distressing situations, the last thing you probably want is someone saying “Well, look on the bright side!”

Uncomfortable, painful emotions are understandable. Sometimes they are even healthy, like in the case of grief. Other times, you might want to be rid of them, but simply thinking positively isn’t enough, like in the case of depression.

In these situations how can you tell someone that their toxic positivity isn’t working? 

The first step is to tell them that you need some space to feel these emotions. For example, “Thank you for the support, but I need some time to feel this right now.”

Then, take that time and space. Don’t let someone guilt you into not feeling your emotions. Set healthy boundaries to get the time and space you need. 

If they continue to bombard you with toxic positivity, set a more clear boundary about how you would like to be talked to. For example, “I understand you’re trying to help, but that type of positivity isn’t helping right now. I understand things will get better, but they hurt right now, and I need to let myself feel that hurt.” 

Can therapy help with toxic positivity?

Dealing with negative, distressing emotions can be difficult, especially if you aren’t used to it. If you grew up in a household where crying or appearing “weak” or unhappy wasn’t supported, you might not understand how to feel these emotions safely. 

Therapy can help. A licensed therapist can give you the space and tools you need to feel distressing emotions safely and return to a happy, positive state of mind. 

Emotions like anger, sadness, and grief aren’t the enemy. While we don’t want to live in them continuously, allowing them the space to exist will help us process difficult situations and return to a healthier, happier state of living. 

Contact Lifebulb to be scheduled with an online therapist near you today. 

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