“Love yourself!” is common advice, with practical applications ranging from more bubble baths and scented candles to mental health walks and doing the dishes.
But building real self-love can be hard. It’s hard to find the time to focus on ourselves, for one. Then, when we finally do find the time to slow down, it’s hard to know how to love ourselves.
There can be a lot of guilt associated with taking care of ourselves, too. It’s not uncommon to look around and see all of the amazing things other people are accomplishing, and feel silly about our own seemingly minor accomplishments. This can lead to feeling like we should be doing more and working harder. What’s the point of self-love if self-improvement is also an option?
Turns out, self-love is actually really important to our mental health. This article will tell you why, give you 10 practical self-love tips, and provide a guide on how to love yourself more.
What Does Having Self-Love Mean?
Self-love is shrouded by misconceptions. Let’s first look at what self-love is not:
- Thinking you’re above fault
- Ignoring your problems
- Being selfish
- Having a lack of awareness of others
- Believing you are the best, all the time
Self-love is not about ignoring other people or the very real issues in your life. Instead, it’s about acknowledging your strength, power, and tenacity.
Having self-love means having:
- Self-compassion: “I didn’t get a lot done today, but I have a lot on my plate, juggling two jobs. My energy levels make sense.”
- Self-appreciation: “I put away dinner last night even though I was tired. I appreciate the past-me.”
- Self-Respect: “I won’t let my coworker talk down to me just because I’m young. I will have boundaries.”
- Self-Acceptance: “I know this hobby might seem weird to others, but it brings me a lot of joy.”
- Self-Care: “I’m exhausted, so I’m not going to prioritize cleaning the house this weekend. I’m going to give my body the rest it needs.”
Self-love is about having a clear understanding of what your mind and body need and meeting those needs with compassion and empathy.
How would you treat a friend who is having a hard time at work? Would you yell at them that they are lazy, useless, and should be fired? No! You would ask them what else is going on in their life, help them rest so they have the energy to work, and encourage them to do their best.
Self-love is treating yourself like you would a good friend.
Why Is Self-Love Important?
Self-love is the foundation for many important aspects of our mental wellness. For example, studies have shown that good self-love can lead to greater:
- Resilience
- Self-esteem
- Life satisfaction
- Stress Management
- Interpersonal relationships
All of those things are protective factors against mental health disorders. This means that people who have more of them are less likely to experience mental health issues like depression, anxiety, or substance abuse.
Why Is Self-Love So Hard?
Despite the importance of self-love, it’s hard! It’s hard to look at your mistakes and still extend compassion to yourself. It’s hard to prioritize your wellness when all you want to do is scroll.
Self-love might be especially hard for you because:
- You’re your own worst critic.
- You’ve experienced a trauma.
- You struggle with depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues.
- You exist in a culture that prioritizes productivity and work output.
- You’ve grown up in an enmeshed family system.
- Your sense of self isn’t fully developed.
- You are in survival mode (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) and can’t slow down.
These are just some reasons you might be struggling with self-love. Some of them are temporary and understandable. It’s hard to prioritize self-love when you’re trying to move across the country, for example.
If you struggle with mental health disorders, talking to a therapist can help you understand the cause and build an effective treatment method.
How to Build Self-Love: 10 Self-Love Habits
Build self-love the same way you would build any habit. Take it one step at a time, start small first, and don’t be discouraged if you slip up. Avoid all-or-nothing thinking by continuing forward after a mistake, not going back to square one.
Here are 10 self-love habits you can start doing today:
- Challenge Negative Self-Talk: If you wouldn’t let someone say what you’re thinking to a friend, don’t let yourself say it to yourself. Thoughts like “I’m the worst” or “I should be better” aren’t just unhelpful, they’re downright destructive.
Challenge them by replacing them with something positive and true. - Set Boundaries: Self-love is about understanding what drains your energy and determining if those things are worth it. If they’re not, boundaries need to be put up. Creating healthy boundaries in work, with friendships, and in relationships are all important aspects of our mental health.
- Prioritize Your Physical Wellness: Getting enough sleep, eating well, and exercising are self-love. Having a healthy relationship with them is even better. Being physically fit isn’t going to solve all of your problems, and it won’t make you love yourself. However, it will give you energy, keep your body healthy, and take care of your mental health.
- Engage in what sparks you joy: Making room for hobbies and activities that bring you joy is self-love, no matter how niche or “weird” those hobbies are. Whether you’re really into crochet, bird watching, or tabletop board games, lean into your niche hobbies. Self-love is about having fun, too!
- Put down the phone: Scrolling is rarely, if ever, good for your mental health. Instead of dissociating with your phone, try being mindful, watching a long-form content video, doing something you love, talking to a friend, cleaning up your space, or doing some other self-love activity. (Learn how to stop doom scrolling here.)
- Allow yourself to be a novice: Reject the idea that you have to be good at something to avoid it. Cook things that don’t turn out. Create things that aren’t very good. Try things you’re scared of, meet new people even if you think you’re awkward, and allow yourself to make mistakes.
- Process your fears and guilt: What mistakes continue to haunt you? What parts of yourself do you really not like? Figuring out why you hold these negative thoughts and feelings about yourself is a part of self-love. A lot of people find journaling, mindfulness, and therapy helpful as they process these things.
- Say Yes to exciting but scary things: Self-love is also about letting yourself reach your full potential. Say yes to that job that’s slightly out of your comfort zone. Go on a trip that pushes you to explore new things. Try something that seems scary. By doing so, you’re putting trust in yourself and allowing yourself to grow.
- Embrace both pain and joy: We cannot have joy without also having pain. Being able to sit with both emotions is important in well-balanced self-love. Allow yourself to cry; it’s a form of self-care.
- Find the beauty in small things: Not every moment will be movie-worthy or a memory you’ll always remember. That’s okay. Slow down to find the beauty in the small things today, like the way the light filters in through your windows, the first sip of coffee, or the feel of a comfy blanket.
Self-love will look different for everyone. What makes you feel confident, powerful, and at peace with yourself? Incorporate more of that into your day.
Struggling with self-love? Lifebulb therapy can help. Our counselors accept most major insurance plans and have little to no wait times.
