Subtypes of ROCD, Conflict, and How ROCD Affects Your Relationship

What is Relationship OCD?

Relationship OCD is a specific type of OCD. People with ROCD struggle with consistent, persistent, and distressing doubts about their relationships, and question suitability and compatibility. These types of distressing doubts, also known as ruminations, can occur even if you’re happy in your relationship and all signs point toward a healthy, loving partnership. 

As with other forms of OCD, there are: 

• Obsessions: Unwanted and repetitive thoughts, and

• Compulsions: Behaviors or mental acts you do to ease distress and reassure yourself

All subtypes of OCD follow a constant cycle of obsessions, anxiety, compulsions, temporary relief, and obsessions again. ROCD and ROCD subtypes are no different. Anyone with ROCD will follow a cycle of obsessive and intrusive thoughts that lead to anxiety, which then leads to compulsive behaviors that temporarily provide relief, only to come back again. And without therapy, someone with ROCD will continue in this cycle and create real harm to their romantic and non-romantic relationships. 

What are the two subtypes of relationship OCD?

The two main types of ways ROCD manifests is through relationship-centeredness or partner-focus. They do tend to co-occur, and sometimes present as retroactive jealousy.

Relationship-Centered ROCD

Relationship-centered ROCD can show up in your day-to-day as doubts and preoccupations about how “right” the relationship is, the intensity of your feelings toward your spouse, and the nature of your partner’s feelings toward you. 

If you have Relationship-centered ROCD, you might have intrusive internal thoughts, known as obsessions, that sound like: 

• “Do I love them enough?”

• “Do they really love me?”

• “What if they are just settling and don’t really love me?”

• “Are we actually compatible or just comfortable?”

• “The spark is gone, we’re doomed!” 

If you have Relationship-centered ROCD, you might have external behaviors, known as compulsions, that sound like: 

• Constantly asking your partner, “Do you still love me?” or “Are you still happy?”

• Calling friends and family to ask if they think your relationship is healthy and good for you.

• Replaying dates and conversations, maybe even rereading text conversations to assess if you felt happy enough.

• Secretly or overtly comparing your relationship to your exes, social media couples, or peers.

• Testing your feelings for your partner and looking for reassurance that you’re happy together.

• Pulling away physically or emotionally, avoiding big conversations or decisions (like moving in together or meeting family and friends).

• You might even notice general commitment triggers panic.

In general, relationship-centered OCD has you constantly doing temperature checks on your relationships and loops of questioning in order to silence your anxiety about your relationship. 

People with this subtype of OCD sometimes monitor their feelings or sexual arousal toward their partner, might compare their spouse to other people, and find themselves looking for external validation and reassurance for their relationship. 

Partner-Focused ROCD

Partner-Focused ROCD can have someone over-analyzing, magnifying, or otherwise busy preoccupied with their partner’s flaws or perception of their flaws. If you have partner-focused ROCD you might find yourself having intrusive internal thoughts, commonly known as obsessions, about your partner’s: 

• Appearance

• Sociability or Social Awkwardness

• Intelligence or Ignorance

• Mannerisms

• Trustworthiness

• Unreliability, or 

• Past relationships and sexual experiences (retroactive jealousy)

Retroactive Jealousy

Obsessing over your partner’s past dating life or sexual encounters is called retroactive jealousy (RJ OCD). 

Just like with other types of OCD, people with RJ OCD have obsessive thoughts that won’t go away and behavior that they repeat to try and soothe themselves. RJ OCD can occur because of past experiences, trauma, abuse, your attachment style, depression, Bipolar Disorder, or if you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). 

Examples of obsessions of Retroactive Jealousy in OCD: 

• “What if my partner is still in love with their ex?”

• “Did they spend enough time being single before they met me?”

• “What if their ex was a better partner than me?” 

• “Did their ex support them better?”

• “Were they more present in their previous relationship?”

• “Did they care more about their last partner?”

• “What if I learn something about their past that I don’t like and we need to break up?”

Examples of compulsions of Retroactive Jealousy in OCD: 

• Looking through a partner’s phone or social accounts

• Asking your current partner to describe sexual encounters

• Avoiding things that remind you that your partner had a past relationship

• Asking your partner to tell you you’re better in some way than their previous partner

• Asking your partner to go over conversations and analyzing what they say to determine if they cared more or showed up better in a previous relationship

• Generally, persistently asking for reassurance

It’s important to note that someone with retroactive jealousy OCD isn’t necessarily a distrusting or jealous partner. And, with therapy, it’s possible to have RJ OCD, manage your symptoms, and have a loving and healthy relationship that lasts a lifetime. 

Can you have both Partner-Focused OCD and Relationship-Centered OCD?

Yes! Someone can have partner-focused OCD, relationship-centered OCD, and retroactive jealousy. In fact, many people with Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder experience all three, though you don’t have to experience each to have ROCD. 

What are other key symptoms of Relationship OCD?

There are a couple of important symptoms of ROCD. These include: 

• Rumination, which occurs in both subtypes of ROCD. Rumination can occur in people with anxiety and OCD. Simply put, rumination is a repetitive analysis of your concerns. Rumination can present it self as overanalyzing, negative self talk. Replaying events, struggling to let go of past mistakes or regrets, low mood, or sleep disturbances. 

• Scrupulosity, which is when pathological religious guilt or moral obsession merge with your romantic relationship anxieties. You might believe God doesn’t approve of your relationship, assign value to “signs” or random thoughts and analyze them into meaning something about your relationship, or seek reassurance from religious leaders about your relationship. 

How does OCD affect non-romantic relationships?

While ROCD studies are primarily centered around romantic partners, OCD can affect relationships that aren’t romantic, like your relationships with your family, coworkers, and even acquaintances. 

Here’s how OCD can show up in other relationships: 

• OCD and Family Relationships: Obsession over whether you love a sibling or parent “enough”, worrying about how you engaged with them, fixating on specific flaws, asking family members if they’re doing the right thing, or withdrawing because of shame. 

• OCD and Work Relationships: At work, OCD symptoms might worsen, and cause you to struggle to focus. You might avoid certain coworkers as well. 

• OCD and Acquaintances: You might avoid a neighbor, dodge questions, or over analyze social interactions.

How can you navigate relationship conflict when you have ROCD?

Disagreements are a healthy part of relationships and happen when you combine more and more aspects of your lives. But if you have ROCD, you know that arguments can sometimes feel like evidence your relationship isn’t a good fit, bad, or close to ruin. 

ROCD symptoms often intensify around significant relationship decisions or stress. Having a conflict resolution template can help you navigate disagreements. 

Here are some tips: 

• Ask yourself what the conflict is really about. Before, during, or after an argument, ask yourself, “Am I trying to solve this issue, or am I trying to decide if the relationship is right?”

• Notice rumination after a disagreement. If you’re replaying your arguments, analyzing what something means, and checking whether you still feel love, you’re ruminating. Notice this ROCD compulsion. Rumination is a covert compulsion you can redirect.

• Notice reassurance loops. Notice if you’re tempted to ask for extensive reassurance after an argument. While asking, “Do you still love me?” might bring temporary relief, compulsions strengthen ROCD over time. 

• Separate relationship issues and doubts. Stay on topic during disagreements. If you’re discussing chores, finances, plans, or your children, avoid using the argument to discuss your partner’s feelings. If your partner is aware you have OCD, share with them that you’re having OCD related doubts and need some help.

• Don’t make big decisions about your relationship in the heat of the moment. Wait until the intensity passes. Drawing conclusions about your relationship and its fate shouldn’t be done without thoughtful consideration. If you have a therapist, talk with them about your relationship and how you feel during arguments. 

• Lastly, practice with your therapist. Many clients with ROCD find that exposure and response prevention (ERP Therapy) helps with their symptoms. ERP can help teach you to tolerate uncertainty without acting on compulsions. Conflict rehearsal is a great OCD tool that therapists can provide. 

How to talk to your partner about your ROCD symptoms

Telling a spouse or significant other about relationship OCD might feel risky. Many people with ROCD hide their doubts because they don’t want to hurt their partner. However, hiding these feelings can keep you in an OCD cycle and limit how you and your partner can show up for each other and engage in the relationship/ 

A thoughtful conversation can ease any shame and embarrassment, and help your partner support you instead of taking your doubts personally. 

Here’s how you can start the conversation with your partner: 

1. Start with OCD. Therapists suggest helping your partner understand OCD before getting into your specific thoughts. Explain that OCD involves intrusive obsessions and compulsions that are out of your control. Having your partner review this guide and other plain-language resources and overviews can give your partner a neutral starting point. It will help them understand what you’re dealing with and help them begin to understand how to support you.

2. Talk about the OCD cycle. Keep the conversation about OCD, not your specific relationship thoughts just yet, and describe how OCD can have your doubts escalate into compulsions. For example, share, “I get intrusive doubts about our relationship. OCD can manifest itself in relationships and cause you to have intrusive thoughts and compulsions that are out of your control. And while reassurance helps at first, intrusive thoughts always come back”. 

You can share examples from the previous sections of this article to give them insight into what relationship-related OCD obsessions and compulsions look like. If you have partner-focused ROCD, share with them that fixations on their perceived flaws are an OCD symptom, not a judgement of who they are, since it otherwise might feel like criticism. 

3. Talk through what helps and what doesn’t. Reassurance feels kind and supportive, but compulsions like reassurance seeking don’t reduce distress over time and strengthen ROCD. Ask your partner to respond with support instead of talking about the specific comments. An example might be, “I know this is OCD talking, and I’m here with you.” This would also be an excellent topic to bring up in couples therapy. Your therapist will be able to point out OCD and work with you both to come up with ways to support you and the relationship.

Importantly, choose a calm moment, outside of any argument or heightened emotions. While the urge to seek certainty might be strongest, talking with your partner about your ROCD symptoms is best done in an unhurried environment where you both can thoughtfully connect and talk. 

How to know if you have ROCD

Guy Doron and Dr. Danny Derby, two influential researchers who have helped define and study ROCD, shared in an interview that initially, they didn’t know that clients had OCD; they were under the impression that individuals were working through real relationship issues. But during a session, he realized his client was in a cycle of obsession. He applied compulsive reduction techniques and started to see therapeutic progress.  

If you’ve reviewed symptoms of ROCD and they seem to resonate with you, you might have Relationship OCD. That’s great to know! Knowing about ROCD is the first step to learning how to manage your symptoms and improve your relationships. Next step, diagnosis. 

How can you be diagnosed with ROCD

To be diagnosed with ROCD by a therapist, you would need to meet the criteria listed in the DSM-5-TR, which we’ll cover later. Now, during the diagnosing process, your therapist will evaluate how you respond to doubts. After diagnosis, you’ll work with your therapist to cope with ROCD and associated symptoms, and learn tools to move about in your relationship. Many people with Relationship OCD have used therapy and the techniques learned in therapy to participate in loving, long-term relationships.

Interestingly, people raised by someone with OCD can pick up obsessive fears and compulsions. Still, seeing an OCD therapist can help you work through this intrusive cycle and find healing. 

Treatment options for ROCD

ERP therapy (exposure and response prevention) is a form of CBT recognized as a first-line approach to OCD. In ERP you gradually face your feared thoughts (Example: “What if I don’t love them?” or “What if they aren’t good enough for me?”), while resisting the compulsions that usually follow. 

While ERP can be anxiety-inducing at first, most people’s compulsions decrease as treatment moves along. 

Medication might also be helpful. Antidepressants for OCD can take about 8-12 weeks to work, and dosage might be changed depending on your symptoms and progress. 

If you’re ready to start working on your ROCD symptoms, Lifebulb has OCD specialty therapists accepting new clients at this time. 

Don’t wait until your relationships have suffered. Start therapy today and see how we can help you live a brighter, healthier life. 

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