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Is there anything worse than a breakup?
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
“We’re just growing in different directions.”
“I don’t see us working out long term.”
Breakups are notoriously tricky to navigate and can be a source of anxiety and many sleepless nights. Breaking up with a romantic partner is difficult, but there's info out there about how to go about it. But what about breaking up professional relationships?
Specifically, how do you break up with your therapist?
Are you signing off of sessions thinking, “I hate therapy” or contemplating cancelling your appointment most weeks?
Maybe you’ve already decided you don’t want to go to therapy anymore. Having these feelings signals therapy isn't working for you, at least not with your therapist. If you feel this way, it's important to let your therapist know and work together to figure out your next steps. Maybe it's time to start the process of ending therapy, or your therapist can help you find a better fit.
In an ideal world, everybody would be matched with their perfect therapist. They would continue therapy until their problems are resolved, and it would be an easy and smooth process. Then, the therapist and client would mutually end therapy. But everyone's therapy journey is a little different. You might have a therapist who doesn't understand you, or you've grown past what they can offer and can't provide the mental health help you need.
Whatever your reasoning, breaking up with your therapist can be tricky. Know that it is also completely normal. Therapists are not expecting you to stay with them year after year. They (the good ones, at least) understand that mental health therapy is not a one-size-fits-all approach. And sometimes a client would be better served by someone else.
Wondering how to break up with your therapist? Let’s dive into it.
When to Stop Seeing a Therapist
It’s important to note that therapy is an uncomfortable process. Many people have said that it gets worse before it gets better. That's because much of therapy is about facing and processing painful and uncomfortable emotions, thoughts, memories, and behaviors that you've been running from. Stopping to face these experiences can activate your defense mechanisms and leave you dissociated, angry, sad, or anxious.
However, once those painful emotions have been revealed, mental health therapy begins its healing work. Like how a broken bone will hurt as it stitches itself back together, therapy can be a painful healing process. Growth, too, can be uncomfortable. Remember growing pains as a kid? As we grow, we have to adapt to the new changes we’re bringing to our life. This can be uncomfortable, but worthwhile.
So, before you break up with your therapist, ask yourself, “Why do I want to quit therapy?” Is it because therapy is bringing up uncomfortable emotions, thoughts, experiences, or behaviors? If so, talk to your therapist about what's bothering you. They can help you learn healthy coping strategies that will ease the discomfort.
There are, of course, plenty of other reasons why you should break up with a therapist. These include:
Your therapist doesn’t understand you. Have you ever explained something to your therapist, and their response is way off the mark? Being frequently misunderstood for multiple sessions indicates a bad fit. You want to find someone who gets you.
You don’t trust your therapist. Trust is the cornerstone of effective therapy. If you don’t trust your therapist, your growth is going to be stunted. You want to be able to tell them anything without fear of judgment. You want to know that they will have your back and always do what’s best for you. And you need to trust that they will not violate your confidentiality or privacy in any way. If you don’t trust your therapist, then it’s time to find a new one. If you have a strong relationship with your therapist, known as a therapeutic alliance, you will most likely be successful in therapy. This is regardless of which treatment approach a therapist uses.
Their therapeutic strategies aren’t working for you. Therapists use dozens of methodologies to help their clients. They range from the very popular Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to more obscure therapies like Schema therapy or Psychoanalysis. A good therapist will only use evidence-based treatments, but that doesn’t guarantee that modality will be good for you. If you are seeing a CBT therapist, but you need someone with more unconditional positive regard, maybe you should switch to an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy approach.
Scheduling with them is impossible. Life happens, but if your therapist repeatedly doesn't respect your time by showing up late, canceling at the last minute, or rescheduling, they won’t be able to help you the way you need.
They talk about themselves too much. Counseling programs train therapists to leave their own trauma outside of the office. If your counselor frequently brings up their own anecdotes, talks over you, or spends more time talking about their theories than listening to you, that’s not a good therapist and not a good fit for you.
You don’t feel like it’s working. Sometimes you just have to listen to your gut. Yes, therapy will be uncomfortable, and you may leave sessions feeling worse than when you came in. Ask yourself: Am I working on the things I want to be working on? Can I see progress in my life? Is this working? If it has been four or more sessions and you still feel like you’re walking away with nothing, talk to your therapist. They may be able to adjust their approach to better fit your needs. If they don’t, then it’s okay to leave them for someone else.
They don’t listen to feedback. The therapeutic relationship between therapist and client is a two-way street. They are the psychology experts, but you are still the expert on yourself. If you say, “Hey, this exercise isn’t working for me, can we try something else?” and they keep pushing the same exercise, it’s time to leave. A good therapist will always take your feedback into effect.
You’ve met your goals! Therapy is not meant to be long-term. The purpose of therapy is to help you heal and grow, with the hope that eventually you’ll be able to manage your symptoms on your own. Maybe years later, something else will come up and you’ll return, but hopefully it’s building off what you learned the first time in therapy. If you’ve accomplished the goals you’ve set for yourself, congratulations! There’s no reason to keep seeing your therapist, so talk to them about what termination (leaving therapy) would look like.
There are many reasons to break up with your therapist. Remember that therapy is about you. So if you’re not happy with your progress, it’s okay to tell them and ultimately leave.
How to tell your therapist you need a break
Sometimes the work you’re doing in therapy is good, but life is too stressful. That’s okay, your therapist actually understands. You don’t have to choose between staying in therapy forever and leaving for good. And, your therapist knows that you’ll get better therapeutic progress if you’re fully present in your sessions.Telling your therapist you need a break is different from “breaking up” with them, and it’s makes sense if you’re dealing with burnout, going through a busy season of life, or you just need time to sit with what you’ve already worked through.
If you want to tell your therapist you need a break, keep it simple. Example: “I’ve gotten a lot out of our work together, but I’d like to pause sessions for now. Can we talk about what that looks like?”
Your Lifebulb therapist will support your pause, ask what prompted it so you’re on the same page, and leave the door open for you to schedule again.
When you’re ready to stop therapy for a while, it’s important to let your therapist know so they can set you up for rest and healing while you’re out of their care. It may not feel like a big deal, but therapists have studied how to set their clients up for success and know what their clients need before pausing or ending therapy.
Switching to a New Therapist
A lot of clients will try one therapist, and when that doesn’t work out, they’ll give up on therapy altogether. “It’s just not for me,” they’ll say.
But this isn’t true! The therapist might not have been for you, but there are thousands of other therapists with other treatment modalities, schools of thought, and therapeutic approaches that will suit you better.
If you are struggling with your mental health and aren’t happy with your current therapist, the best course of action is to switch to a new therapist.
Your current therapist should be able to help you find better-suited counselors and provide referrals, so switching is easy.
(And if you’re a Lifebulb client, our scheduling team will take care of the details for you!)
Make a list of the things you did and didn’t like about your current therapist. Write down what your goals and needs are. Where was the gap between what you needed and what your therapist was able to provide? Did you need more open-ended questions? More coping mechanisms? Fewer exercises and more deep dives into your past? You may not know the specifics of the answers, but try to narrow down what you felt like was missing. “I wasn’t being heard” or “We weren’t talking about what I needed to talk about” or “It wasn’t helping me in real life.”
Armed with this list, talk to your therapist about other options. A different treatment method maybe? Or a different type of therapist? Or, maybe you’re really looking for a psychiatrist? It’s important to feel comfortable with your therapist, so maybe you need someone more familiar with your culture and way of life. Be honest with yourself and your therapist about what you need.
What to Look for in a New Therapist
As you’re searching for your next therapist, refer to the list you made that helped you decide you wanted to switch therapists. It helps to know exactly what to look for in a therapist and that list can help guide your search.
When you’re looking to book an appointment with a new therapist check:
Their licensure and credentials. You’ll want to confirm your therapist can practice in your state and your insurance can bill them.
Specialty and experience. Look for a therapist who works with clients who are like you. Examples include: Anxiety, Depression, Couples, LGBTQ+, PTSD, Grief and Loss.
Learn about their preferred treatment approach. Every therapist has different modalities and some will work better for you. Examples include: CBT, DBT, EMDR, Mindfulness based, or Psychodynamic.
Figure out logistics. Check if they’re accepting new clients, if they accept your insurance, and if they’re able to meet during a time you’re also able to. If you have a preference for in-person or virtual appointments, check that too.
A piece of advice from Lifebulb’s LMFT MacKenzie Dressing: Trust your gut in the first couple of sessions with a new therapist. Give your new therapist a chance, but notice if you feel comfortable in the session, and feel like you can trust them.
For more guidance on finding the right therapist, check out our clinician written article here: A Step-by-Step Guide to Find the Right Therapist by LMFT MacKenzie Dressing.
Note: If you’re a Lifebulb client, or want to be, disregard this; we’ll do the leg work for you. Give us a call and we’ll help you find a new therapist quickly and easily.
How to Tell Your Therapist You’re Leaving
Okay, so you’ve decided you want to break up with your therapist. Now what? Your palms may be sweating, your stomach churning a little at the thought of that confrontation. The urge to just cancel all your appointments and never see them again is tempting, but try to resist. Here are three things you should know about leaving your therapist:
1. Don’t ghost: talk to them! A good therapist will be receptive to your reasons and will work with you to either find you a different therapist or start the termination process. If you ghost them, you miss out on their expertise and possible referrals.
Note: In some situations, ghosting therapists is entirely appropriate. If your therapist is acting unethically or making you uncomfortable, you do not owe them an explanation. For example, if a therapist is making racist, sexist, homophobic, or otherwise prejudiced comments or has said anything remotely sexual towards you, cancel all future appointments.
2. It is well within your right as a client to stop therapy. The relationship between therapist and client can be complicated by the weight of what is said during sessions. You may have bared some hidden parts of your soul to this person, and now you’re supposed to never see them again? But remember that you hired your therapist to help you through a specific problem, and if they are unable to help you or that goal has been met, then it makes sense to terminate them. Ending therapy, sometimes called “termination” in clinical terms, is considered a normal, expected part of the treatment process, not a failure on your part or your therapist’s.
3. Have a face-to-face conversation, if possible. This could be via virtual therapy if you’re online. This isn’t so your therapist can try to convince you to stay, but rather so they can help you through the termination process and provide you with referrals if you’d like to continue therapy with someone else.
If you are experiencing unethical behavior or are otherwise uncomfortable seeing your therapist, it is not worth trying to have a face-to-face meeting. Cancel appointments and report them if necessary.
In-Person Script for How to Break Up with Your Therapist
Here’s a short therapist-approved script you can use when you’re ready to tell your therapist you want to stop therapy face-to-face.
A script for when you’ve met your goals and are happy with your experience:
“Hi, [therapist's name], I hope you're doing well today. As you know, I've been coming to therapy for [length of time] and in that time, I feel like I have made a lot of progress in my mental health journey. I've learned valuable tools and have met my goal of [your therapy goals]. Because of this, I am ready to stop my sessions. I'm so grateful for your help and guidance. Let me know what the next steps for ending therapy should be.
Thank you again for everything.”
Keep it short—you don’t need to over-explain yourself. A therapist will likely have seen this coming and will celebrate this win with you. Reaching your therapy goals is a big deal! By being clear and direct, you empower yourself to end therapy on your own terms.
A script for when they aren’t a good fit for you:
“Hello, [therapist's name], I hope you're doing well today. I wanted to talk to you about something important regarding our therapy. Over the course of our sessions, I have come to realize that our therapeutic styles and approaches may not align in a way that works best for me. I need someone who will [therapist traits you are looking for].
While I appreciate your expertise and effort, I believe that it's important for me to find a therapist who can better meet my specific needs and goals at this time. Please let me know if you have any suggestions or recommendations for finding another therapist who may be a better match for me. I would greatly appreciate your professional insights.
Thank you for your understanding and for supporting me through this transition.”
Remember, your mental well-being is paramount, and finding a therapist who is the right fit for you can make all the difference in your therapeutic journey. Trust yourself and take the necessary steps to ensure that you are receiving the best possible care.
Email Script for How to Break Up with Your Therapist
Here are a couple of therapist-approved examples of emails you can send to your therapist if you want to end therapy:
An email script for when you’ve met your goals and are happy with your experience:
Dear [Therapist's Name],
I hope this email finds you well. I wanted to reach out to you today to let you know that I have decided to conclude our therapy sessions. I have found great value in our time together, and I believe that I have reached my therapy goals of [therapy goals].
I am grateful for your support and guidance during our time working together. I am confident that the skills and tools I've learned from our sessions will continue to serve me well in the future.
Again, thank you for your support, understanding, and compassionate care. I appreciate everything you have done for me, and I wish you all the best.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
An email script for when they aren’t a good fit for you.
Subject: Conclusion of Therapeutic Relationship
Dear [Therapist's Name],
I hope this message finds you well. After careful consideration, I have come to the realization that the therapeutic relationship between us may not be the best fit for my current needs and goals. I need someone who [traits you are looking for]. While I recognize and value the expertise and care you bring to your practice, I believe that finding a therapist whose approach and style better align with mine is essential for my mental health journey at this time.
As I navigate this transition, I would be grateful for any recommendations or referrals you may have for therapists who could be a better match for my individual needs.
Once again, I thank you for your understanding and support, and I wish you continued success in your work.
Warm regards,
[Your Name]
Remember to keep it short and sweet. Don’t over-explain yourself! You don’t have to give them an explanation, although it can be helpful to both of you to provide your reasoning so your therapist can help you with your transition.
You Told Your Therapist You Want to Quit… Now What?
After you and your therapist decide to part ways, there is what’s known as the “Termination Process”. Your therapist will likely ask you to have at least one more session. This is not to try and convince you to stay, but rather to ease your transition out of therapy. Depending on how much time you’ve spent with this therapist and what you’ve worked through, it’s possible that you are leaving therapy for a different person. Without having your therapist to talk to weekly and practice the coping strategies you’ve been working on, the transition can be rough. This final therapy session is a place to process any fears, worries, excitement, and more that may come up. It’s the final closure to make sure you’ve talked about everything on your mind.
Do Therapists Care If You Quit?
Many of us are hesitant to break up with our therapists because we don’t want to hurt their feelings. So, do therapists care when they lose clients?
On the one hand, therapists are humans. They want to succeed in their careers and help people, so it’s discouraging when they aren’t able to do that.
However, therapists are also professionals. It is their job to provide the highest quality care they can, but a good therapist will recognize that they cannot provide care to every single person. Our individual personalities and experiences are too diverse for one person to be a good fit for everyone.
A therapist will understand why you have to break up with them. They will not be mad. (If they are, that’s a good reason to leave them!)
It can be scary, but breaking up with your therapist can be a good exercise in self-respect and boundaries. This is your mental health, your time, and your money. If it’s not working for you, speak up!
Conclusion
Breaking up with anyone is going to be hard, but if it’s for your mental health then it is entirely worth it. Use the tips and templates in this article to end therapy, leave your therapist, or to simply stop therapy that isn’t working and find a better path forward.
If you are one of Lifebulb’s clients and would like to either terminate therapy or find a new therapist, reach out to our support team. We have over 100 therapists who we can match you with. If your current therapist is not a good fit, we will be happy to find you someone else.
Call us at: 855-722-4422
Email us at: support@lifebulb.com
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