Passive Aggressiveness is when someone expresses their anger, annoyance, or discontent in indirect ways. Instead of saying, “What you did last week hurt my feelings.” They might give you the silent treatment, make sarcastic remarks, or be overly moody towards you.
Passive aggressiveness can be hard to deal with. For one, it’s not always obvious. Then, once it is obvious, you’re left trying to figure out why they’re angry at you.
Passive-aggressive behavior is not an effective way to communicate, but sometimes you’re stuck trying to communicate with a passive-aggressive person. What can you do?
This article will give you 10 steps to deal with passive-aggressive behavior, along with some ways of identifying it.
Signs of Passive Aggressiveness
Are they being passive-aggressive? When confronted with their behavior, some people might deny their passive aggressiveness. This sort of gaslighting goes hand in hand with the manipulative nature of passive aggressiveness.
Keep an eye out for other manipulative behaviors. Passive aggressiveness, although common and usually benign, could be a sign of a deeper issue.
Here’s a list of common signs of passive-aggressive behavior:
- Giving the silent treatment or ignoring someone intentionally
- Example: A coworker ignores you during a group project after you disagreed with their idea.
- Making sarcastic or backhanded comments
- Example: Your partner saying “Oh, so now you want to hang out with me?” after you asked for some alone time.
- Procrastinating or intentionally delaying tasks
- Example: A child intentionally waits for you to get angry at them before they complete their assigned chore.
- Agreeing to do something but “forgetting” or doing it poorly on purpose
- Example: A partner purposefully not thawing the chicken from the fridge like you asked after you forgot to fill the car up with gas.
- Blaming others for one’s own mistakes or failures
- Example: “Well, we would have gotten the project done on time if someone hadn’t overanalyzed everyone's work.”
- Sulking, pouting, or showing irritation subtly
- Example: Sighing heavily when asked to help with the dishes.
- Withholding praise, affection, or information as a form of control
- Example: Reacting minimally when your partner tells you good news.
Sometimes, people who are passive-aggressive have a reason to be angry or hurt. A partner might truly be hurt after you don’t want to hang out with them. A long-time office rivalry can lead to feelings of resentment and anger.
But these situations do not make passive-aggressive behavior acceptable. For example, your partner will only be able to address your hurt feelings if you tell them why you are upset. Being passive-aggressive about it and making them guess is only prolonging the conflict and amplifying hurt feelings.
10 Tips to Deal with Passive Aggression
If you’ve recognized passive-aggressive behavior, how do you address it? Being passive-aggressive back is a bad idea. It will only perpetuate the cycle.
Instead, here are some steps to deal with passive-aggressive behavior:
Take time to regulate your own emotions.
Passive-aggressive behavior can be infuriating! Your first reaction might be to snap back in anger. Instead, do what you need to do to regulate your emotions. Walk away, take a deep breath, or use Box Breathing or Progressive Muscle Relaxation to calm down.
Consider the facts.
Before you confront someone about their passive-aggressive behavior, make sure you consider the situation. What specific behavior do you want to talk to them about? Can you think of any reason why they might be behaving that way?
Understand that they are probably frustrated at you for some reason. While they should be using better communication tactics to let you know this, part of the conversation is going to be about your own behavior, too. Be prepared for an honest discussion.
Talk to them face-to-face.
Ask them if they have time to talk in a private space, face-to-face. Tell them you’ve been noticing their behavior. (“I’ve noticed you’ve been ignoring me.”) Then, ask what’s wrong.
Sometimes people just need to be prompted. They aren’t sure how to bring up a conflict, and so they wait for you to do this. (We’ll talk about how to prevent this sort of passive-aggressive behavior later; for now, focus on the problem at hand.)
If they refuse to talk about what’s been bothering them, back off for now.
Not every conversation will be a fruitful one. If they deny their anger, simply express that you are there if they want to talk to you, and then back off.
It is not your job to solve their problems. It is not your job to guess at what you did wrong or fix it. What can you fix if they don’t tell you?
All you can do is let them know that you see their behavior and that you are willing to have a conversation about it.
Don’t respond to passive-aggressive behavior in the moment.
If the passive-aggressive behavior continues, you’ll need to start putting up some healthy boundaries. A good one is to not respond to passive-aggressive behavior.
Many people use passive aggression to get what they want without asking for it. This is an unreasonable request and exhausting for you to maintain. Instead, ignore passive-aggressive behavior. You can even tell them you’re willing to talk but unwilling to make guesses at what they want.
For example, “I feel like you might be angry at me. I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
If they continue to ignore your attempts to communicate, you can continue to ignore their passive-aggressive behavior. Reach out every once in a while, but remember that it is not your job to read between the lines of passive-aggressive behavior. If they don’t tell you what’s wrong, you can’t help fix it.
Adjust your own behavior.
Acknowledge when you’re at fault. If you did something to upset them and they tell you about it, be open to that conversation.
Navigating conflict is tricky, and not everyone will be a natural at it. Sometimes, passive-aggressive behavior is manipulative and malignant. Other times, it’s just someone trying their best to communicate.
During the conversation, explain how their passive-aggressive behavior made you feel. Ask them to communicate in more direct ways. Encourage them that you won’t be angry if they come to you with a complaint directly; in fact, you would prefer it!
If somebody has not seen a lot of direct communication occurring, they might think passive-aggressive behavior is normal. Some people view direct conversation as aggressive. Encourage them that you would always prefer to have hurt feelings out in the open, where you can work together to solve the problem.
Develop Communication Skills in Therapy
Communicating is hard! There are entire fields of study devoted to how we communicate effectively. If you struggle with communication, you’re not alone.
Fortunately, good communication skills are also very easy to learn. A therapist can walk you through the steps of emotional regulation, conflict resolution, and aftercare that good conversationalists employ. They’ll teach you how to identify bad communication like passive aggressiveness and give you coping skills to deal with heightened emotions.
Communication is our key to many places in this world. Make sure you’re communicating well; talk to a therapist today.
