Understanding the Anger Stage of Grief

Overview of the Grief Process

When most people think of grief, they think of the five stages: Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, and Acceptance. While this model has been used to describe mourning, it’s not the only way. 

Anger plays a role in all of the grief processes. 

Although many people search for the “five stages of grief”, researchers now recognize that grief is highly individual. People don’t really move through a clean-cut linear grief journey. Instead, some people move through emotions in different orders, often revisiting feelings multiple times, or skipping certain “stages” altogether. Anger is one possible stage in the grief process, but it’s not a required stage of grief for everyone. Think of the five stages of grief as a way to broadly understand the process, and less of a rigid format for mourning. Skipping a stage doesn’t mean someone will have unresolved grief. 

 Let’s explore four common models of grief to understand how grief and anger interact.

The Five Stages of Grief

The five stages of grief, introduced by Psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969, describes five emotional responses people may experience after a significant loss. This grief process looks like: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Although it’s often treated as a roadmap, the model was never intended to suggest everyone experiences each stage in a specific order. 

Dr. Kubler-Ross even said that people may not experience these stages in this order or at all. It’s entirely possible that you’ll go from loss to acceptance without experiencing grief. 

Dr. Kubler-Ross wrote about these five stages of grief in her book, On Death and Dying, which was intended to highlight the mistreatment of terminally ill patients. The five stages of grief, so ingrained in modern pop psychology, were originally intended to describe the grief of dying, not the grief over the loss of a loved one, situation, or experience. 

But what is the anger stage of grief as it relates to someone losing a loved one?  

Well, it’s a period in which feelings of frustration, resentment, injustice, or irritability become more noticeable after loss. Some people direct this anger towards themselves, others, healthcare providers, a higher power, or even the person who passed away. 

A closer look into other models of grief shows similar emotional and behavioral patterns, and a common thread of anger. Let's look at them below:

The Six R’s of Mourning

Clinical Psychologist Therese Rando came up with the Six R’s of Mourning after observing grief patterns in patients who experienced a loss. They are: 

1. Recognize the loss: Fully comprehending a loss can be difficult, and understanding what has truly happened is the first step. 
2. React: Emotionally reacting to the loss is important. Anger is a big part of this. 
3. Recollect and Reexperience: Review memories of the loved one. 
4. Relinquish: Accepting the change that has happened and resolving to move forward. 
5. Readjust: The loss starts to feel less painful; a return to “normal” life. 
6. Reinvest: Forming new relationships and connections, having put the loss behind them. 

Notice step 2 - React. Grief cannot exist without the expression of emotion. In fact, many researchers suggest that grief is an emotion all on its own, and sometimes the strongest during the mourning phase. 

Anger can sometimes give shape to emotions that otherwise feel overwhelming. Instead of viewing your anger in grief as something to suppress, many grief experts encourage mourners to acknowledge it, understand what their anger is communicating, and express it safely.

 The loss of a loved one is so painful it activates the physical pain system in the brain, meaning you’re experiencing grief in a similar way you would a broken bone. Anger has long been linked to physical pain, with physical pain causing chronic anger and chronic anger causing physical pain. 

Brain imaging studies have shown that grief activates many of the same brain regions and pathways as it does when it experiences physical pain. This helps explain why some emotional pain can feel physically exhausting and why anger often accompanies grief. Your amygdala is overactive in grief, and it can lead to physical exhaustion, mood swings, hypervigilance, and even anger. 

The connection between anger and pain is well-documented, and grief is just another type of emotional pain. 

Continuing Bonds Grief Model

Continuing Bonds theory rejects the idea of a perfect “acceptance” stage. Instead, it argues that it is perfectly normal to continue an emotional bond with the deceased. This would explain certain grief actions such as: 

• Feeling close to the deceased, even after death 
• Talking to pictures, grave tombs, or places the deceased may have been 
• Making new routines around their death 

In general, the continuing bonds model suggests that full detachment from the deceased isn’t necessary to have healing or good mental health. 

Tasks of Grieving

Psychologist J. William Worden came up with the 4 tasks of grieving to summarize how people heal from grief. 

1. Accept the reality off the loss
2. Process pain of grief
3. Adjust to a world without the deceased
4. Find a new balanced approach to life

 Similar to the Continuing Bonds theory, it claims that keeping a relationship with the deceased is healthy. You don’t have to “let them go”. But, you adjust your relationship with them since they’re no longer here. 

Once again, there is a theme of processing pain. For many people, anger in grief is a way to process the intense pain of loss, and a replacement for the intense love they held for the deceased.

What Does Anger in Grief Look Like?

Anger isn’t always explosive emotions and rage. Especially with grieving and anger, it can be directed in many different directions and look different for everyone.

Grief-related anger can be directed towards:

• Yourself

• Others 

• The deceased 

• A higher entity

Often, grief is a result of or mixed in with guilt, sadness, and fear. Because of that, it can take many different forms. Let’s look at a few below.

Emotions

Examples of anger in grief as emotions include: 

• Irritableness
• Feeling impatient 
• Loss of control 
• Sudden, unexplained bursts of rage
• Resentment
• Pessimism

Thoughts

Examples of anger in grief as thoughts include: 

• "Why did this have to happen? It's so unfair."
• "I can't believe they're gone. It's not right."
• "I'm so angry at myself for not being able to save them."
• "This shouldn't have happened to them. They didn't deserve it."
• "I'm furious at the universe for taking them away from me."
• "Why did God let this happen? It's hard to find meaning in it."
• "No one understands the depth of my anger and pain."
• "I want to blame someone for this. I need someone to be held accountable."

Behavior

Examples of anger in grief as behavior include: 

• Snapping at people, even if you don’t mean it 
• Self-harm 
• Inciting arguments or fights 
• Becoming physically aggressive
• Neglecting personal hygiene or mental health 
• Sabotaging relationships or events

How Long Does the Anger Stage of Grief Last?

Some studies in the past suggested that symptoms of grief usually resolve themselves in 1-2 years. However, it really depends on the person—how close you were to the deceased, what support system you had after the loss, the use of healthy or unhealthy coping mechanisms, and co-occurring mental health issues such as pre-existing depression, anxiety, or substance abuse. 

The anger stage of grief can last during some, none, or all of this grieving period. People who are already prone to anger may experience anger in grief more intensely, but it all depends on the varying factors and the hyperspecific situation. 

Mourning is a unique experience, and there is no one way to mourn. Anger in grief does not mean that you are mourning wrong or should “get over it”. It may be a completely healthy response to your pain and loss. 

If your mourning and anger seem like they’ll never go away and you want them to, you might benefit from additional support from a grief therapist. They can support you as you navigate loss and help you find peace.

Coping with Anger During Grief

If you shove down your anger while you’re grieving, it’ll get worse. If you apply shame to this emotion, or you refrain from recognizing it, it’ll continue to linger. Anger in grief isn’t an inappropriate reaction to losing someone you love. You should explore these feelings and honor them. 

Don’t rush your grieving process. Remember that it takes time, and it’s not a linear, X number of month journey to heal from. Losing someone important to you is difficult, and it’s okay to be upset because of it. 

You’re not alone in your grief. And with the right support, it is possible to meet your needs and have healthy relationships as you grieve. Support during grief typically looks like: 

Coping Mechanisms for Grief

1. Talk to your deceased: The Continual Bonds theory of grief, among others, has found that maintaining a sort of relationship with your loss can be healthy. Going to a place that reminds you of them—Whether it’s their resting place, a place of emotional significance, or somewhere they used to reside—and let them know how you’re doing. It’s not crazy, it’s a normal expression of love and grief.  
2. Engage in your community: As you process this loss, it’s important to continue to engage with your current and active support system. This can be your friends, family, or a grief support group. 
3. Journal, talk, or make art about your grief: It’s vital to actively process your grief. Not everyone will process through words, so find something that works for you. 
4. Practice good personal hygiene and self-care: It can be easy to let yourself slip into despair while you grieve, but it’s important to keep up the daily habits that fuel your brain and body—get light exercise, sleep well, and eat healthily. 
5. Get help for co-occurring mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and substance abuse: Anxiety and depression Disorders are not a symptom of grief. If you experience chronic anxiety or intense episodes of depression that last longer than 2 weeks, reach out for professional mental health.

Resources for Grief

You should never have to grieve alone. These organizations provide education, support groups, information, and therapy services to those experiencing grief and loss. 

• For Children: National Alliance for Children’s Grief 
• For Information about Grief: Grief.com
• For Support Groups: Hope for Bereaved
• For Self-Care Ideas: OptionB
• Suicide Prevention Hotline: 988

Of course, Lifebulb is always here for grief counseling. Our grief therapists are licensed, trained, and have years of experience in grief and anger.

Seeking Grief Therapy

Grief is a natural process that can resolve on its own if you recognize and identify your feelings, honor your loss and grief, and have support during your grief. But all of that can be difficult and it’s valuable to have help along the way to work through symptoms of grief (like anger).

When grief and anger make it difficult to complete daily life tasks or get in the way of your life and health, it could be a sign to reach out for professional grief counseling. 

You may also benefit from grief counseling if you: 

• Push away other loved ones with your anger. 

• Are experiencing substance abuse, depression, and anxiety 

• Have difficulty completing daily life tasks, such as going to work or school

• Self-harm or have suicidal ideation 

• Have consistent grief, lasting longer than a couple of years

Grief counseling is here for you. You don’t have to wait for it to get “bad enough”. If you are grieving a recent loss and are thinking about getting professional help, that is more than enough reason. Grief therapy can be instrumental in providing healthy coping mechanisms and repairing lost social connections that are vital to the mourning process. 

For more information on Lifebulb’s grief counseling, give our team a call.

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