What is the bargaining stage of grief?

What Are the Five Stages of Grief?

The five stages of grief are as follows:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

You can learn more about the anger stage of grief here. 

Everyone will go through these five stages differently. Some people may jump around, start at a different stage, or get stuck in one of the stages. (Depression is the most common stage to get stuck at.) Some people will skip stages altogether. The five stages of grief are meant to be more of a guide than an absolute. 

What Does Bargaining in Grief Mean?

Bargaining during grief is a way to manage the pain of loss. People bargain with themselves, others, or a higher power to make themselves feel better or try to reverse the loss. If you’ve lost a loved one or a pet, you might not actually believe that their death can be reversed. Instead, bargaining grief may take a “what if” approach. 

The goal of bargaining is to mitigate the feelings of helplessness that come with a great loss. It hurts to feel helpless or to have no say in what happens. As a way to cope, you may find yourself bargaining to maintain a semblance of control and power. 

There are two main “types” of bargaining during grief:

• Bargaining with yourselves or a higher power to change the present or make yourself feel better. 
• Ruminating over “what if” scenarios in the past; telling yourself that if you had acted a certain way you never would have lost what you did.

Most people have a hard time accepting that they cannot and could not have changed what happened. Although ruminating isn’t helpful and you can’t reverse death, bargaining allows you to feel like you could, offering you power and control, and therefore safety. 

What Does the Bargaining Stage of Grief Look Like

Bargaining during grief will look different for everyone depending on what they lost and their beliefs. Some characteristics of the bargaining stage of grief include:

• Feelings of guilt or shame for not having acted in the right way 
• Fear that what happened will happen again if you don’t make a change
• Ruminations or looping thoughts over what happened and what would have happened if you could change it 
• Holding yourself responsible (thinking you had more power than you actually did)
• Punishing yourself or others for perceived mistakes that led to the loss
• Predicting how loss like this might happen again and planning what you can do to prevent it
• Praying or wishing for a different outcome

These are some examples, and your bargaining stage of grief may look different. Remember that everyone’s journey through grief is different, so try not to compare your experience with others.

Examples of Bargaining in Grief

Some examples of the bargaining stage of grief include:

• Negotiating with a higher power to bring back what you lost in exchange for changed behavior. (“I promise to go to church every week if you bring them back.”)
• "If Only" Statements: It's common for individuals in the bargaining stage to engage in "if only" thoughts and statements, where they replay scenarios in their minds, wishing they could go back and change the outcome of the loss.
• Seeking healing by promising to be a better person/donate or volunteer to a related cause.
• Questioning past decisions; those in the bargaining stage may find themselves questioning past decisions and actions, wondering if things could have turned out differently if they had acted in alternative ways.

These are only some examples of the bargaining stage of grief. The core of the bargaining is feeling a lack of control and wanting to do something to feel okay again. Whether that something is rumination, seeking a deal, or changing behavior to assert more control over the present and future is dependent on the person and situation.

Coping with Bargaining Grief

The bargaining stage of grief can be exhausting and difficult, but it’s also a normal part of a natural process (grieving). Here are some ways you can cope with it and ensure you don’t get stuck in the bargaining process:

• Let it run its course: Grief, while painful, is natural. There is no avoiding feeling grief and it is not inherently a bad thing to feel. The common saying “grief is love with nowhere to go” may ring true; you grieve because you loved. Try to acknowledge the validity of your feelings and let it pass through you; most people’s grief comes to a natural end all on its own.
• Avoid ruminating or getting stuck in these feelings: As much as we may want to, we can’t change the past. Try to focus on the present and avoid those “What if. . .” thoughts. 
• Practice good self-care: There may be no immediate cure to grief, but you can help soften the blow by taking care of yourself. Exercise regularly, get plenty of sleep, and eat healthy. 
• Let yourself feel: Cry if you need to, talk with a friend, be sad, be angry—don’t stop these emotions. It may help to write them down through journaling. 
• Focus on what you can control: The bargaining stage of grief focuses on our lack of control when dealing with loss. Therefore, it can help to focus on what you can control. 

Remember that grief and bargaining during grief are natural. Don’t repress your emotions or shame yourself for feeling them. You just went through a tremendous loss; it makes sense you’re feeling this way. 

When Should You See a Therapist?

Although grief is natural, it can still progress to a mentally unhealthy state. When grief lasts for one year or longer or is accompanied by suicidal thoughts, depression, or anxiety, seeking professional help may be the right choice. 

Therapists who specialize in grief will help you navigate the grieving process while honoring your loss. They will not try to hurry it along or make you forget what you lost; instead, they will encourage you to take it at your own pace while helping you process your emotions and learn healthy coping skills to mitigate the pain. 

Lifebulb has online therapists who specialize in grief. We accept most major insurance plans and have little to no wait lists. Browse our list of grief therapists to find a therapist near you, or reach out to our team to be matched with an online therapist today.

Talk to us