Early in my career path as a young up-and-coming professional, I always had a passion for working with couples, and from a personal perspective, I also always dreamed of finding the love of my life. The two seemed to go hand in hand, and I was determined to study my learning further into the realm of relationships and what makes them tick.
“Marriage and relationships are hard!”
“Marriage is work”.
“Communication is key.”
We have all heard it said! But what does that even mean? What is “the work”? How long can we live in “relational” or “marital bliss"? Turns out some of these common tropes that have been passed down from one couple to the next from each generation before have something to it!
When it comes to communicating more effectively with your partner, the truth is, there is no exact science. One person says “listen more”, another says “compromise more”, another says “don't go to bed angry”. We hear all the things, right? Especially when we are about to tie the knot or jump into a more serious phase of “the relationship status”, general tips and tricks from well-meaning friends and family can pour our way.
All these things, of course, can be true and valid in the right context, but there is no amount of compromising on your dinner plans that will forever get you out of hot water, and just because you listen to your partner more does not necessarily mean they will treat you with more respect or empathy.
Below, I map out just a few common therapy models you might hear about if you read a few books on communication or get into some couples counseling to find the best techniques and tools that fit you and your partner:
The Gottman Method
From a Gottman perspective:
“I” statements help diffuse tough conversations and help you and your partner be less defensive.
Active listening requires pausing, getting out of your own head, and being present.
Listen to understand rather than to jump in and say the first things that come to mind, not listening to respond.
Validation, empathy, and understanding of where the other person is coming from are key.
Take a break if the conversation takes a turn for the worse or flares up.
These are common techniques and tools for better communication from this brilliant couple, John and Julie Gottman, who practically invented the best ways to communicate within a relationship!
Emotionally Focused Therapy
From an Emotionally focused perspective (EFT), you need to look beneath the anger and sadness and recognize what repeated patterns are coming up to the surface and why. Are these patterns from childhood wounds? Past hurtful occurrences?
This model challenges us to uncover what's beneath the surface and pay attention to it. It helps us become aware of what triggers are coming up for us and why, and then work through them together.
Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy
From an Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy approach (IBCT), the “DEEP” context is helpful when we can look at our core values and temperament and learn to respect one another despite the differences. DEEP stands for:
Differences
Emotional Sensitivities
External Stressors
Patterns of Interaction
IBCT helps us to be aware of our emotional vulnerabilities as well as external stressors that are pressing in on the relationship from outside. In addition, it helps us identify the patterns of destructive cycles that further deteriorate communication and the health of the relationship.
Imago Therapy
And finally, the Imago perspective dives deeper into the childhood wounds, recognizing that “we” are acting out similar or familiar familial patterns from images of childhood, left unresolved. A high priority within this technique is to help both partners practice empathy and unconditional positive regard.
Which Therapy Is Right For Your Relationship?
All of these models have tremendous value and can be effective in your communication within the partnership. It's important to note that relationships evolve and change over time, so the road is winding and curvy with no exact end. Seasons change, people change and grow, and partnerships are built brick by brick over long periods of time.
What you both need in one season could change in the next. There may be a season for learning to compromise on activities, a season for tackling the chore list in your home, a season for diving deeper into childhood wounds, and a season for spending more quality time together. Regardless of which season you might be in, there are helpful tools to provide guidance in each stage.
I have had my “go around" a few times as a “maid of honor” in a few weddings or two. And when giving speeches, one of the things I always find myself saying (that I can now share from actual experience) is “marriage and partnership, all in all, is about selflessness and good intentions”. Always assume your partner has the best intentions in mind for you, and if you're a good human, and want to work on your relationship, all the above is just the learning process. Respecting and serving one another is a lifelong process in a forever relationship.
The above list of models is just the tip of the iceberg, a blurb to get the wheels turning on what you feel like your relationship might need in this season. Of course, each method goes much deeper and has much more meat to it. Identifying a good couples therapist will be key to finding the right fit for you and your partner.
Don’t wait until you’re about to be done with a relationship to seek out professional help. Do it at the beginning… get the tools on your belt ahead of the game and get curious about your partner!
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