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Somewhere in a drawer or a cupboard, there’s a bar of soap, an expensive candle, special dinnerware, trendy basketball shoes, or gifted tea. But it's never been used. It’s too pretty, too costly, too rare, too special for an ordinary day, but on some special day it’ll be brought out and used. Except that the special someday never comes. And years later, the tea has gone bad, the china dinnerware, when found in the attic, is broken, the rubber sneaker soles are cracked, the soap has dried out (or whatever happens to soap), you get the picture.
Online, the idea is known as the lavender soap theory, which went viral on TikTok, and has become shorthand for a question that seems to apply to every person from every generation: why do we save the good stuff, the good moments, even the best versions of ourselves, for a “someday” that never quite happens?
Therapists and Psychologists have studied this pattern for years under other names, including delayed life syndrome, the syndrome of delayed life, and deferred joy syndrome, and the idea reveals quite a bit about how our society processes mortality, our fear of death, and our avoidance.
Let's dive into the topic. After all, understanding the metaphor is the first step to start using the “soap” and enjoying life more.
What is the Lavender Soap Theory?
There are two ideas explained by the lavender soap theory, and for the folks on BookTok, the real lesson depends on which Maas novels you’ve read. Still, there's a lot to unpack in this idea, and you don't have to join the book club to understand why there's so much discussion about the theory.
One interpretation is that the lavender soap theory is shorthand to describe when someone holds onto small luxuries and doesn’t use them. Examples include a bottle of perfume, a nice set of cookware, or expensive makeup. Someone will reserve them for a special occasion, because any old ordinary day isn't quite important enough. But the criteria for this special occasion is vague, so they never end up using their nice cologne, cookware, or "lavender soap".
The second interpretation is that someone holds on to their most luxurious possessions for themselves only. Example: the lavender soap that the main character in The Assassin’s Blade doesn’t let her partner use, and then he dies. Other examples include your parents' nice towels and your partner's special dessert. Parents have particularly practiced this for generations. In the 60s, it was popular for suburban households to have living rooms where children weren't permitted to play. Maybe even in your grandparents' homes you've seen couches covered in plastic protectors, or a dining room that is treated like a showroom.
At its core, the lavender soap theory is about the gap between the life someone is preparing for and the life they’re actually living. This idea points out how we withhold pleasure from ourselves, or others, and forget to be grateful for a life that isn't promised another day.
Where did the Lavender Soap Theory come from?
The theory traces back to a specific and painful scene in Sarah J. Maas’s The Assassin’s Blade, a prequel novella in the Throne of Glass series. In the story, the main character owns a special bar of expensive lavender soap that she considers hers alone and too special to share. Her partner asks to use the soap the night before preparing to leave for a dangerous mission, but she refuses. He uses regular soap, leaves, and later dies on that mission.
The character regrets the decision after the fact, and while it seemed small at the time, it becomes a painful memory. Readers closed the chapter, struck by the message. Soon after, readers used "lavender bar soap theory" as shorthand for the broader life lesson.
The shorthand has reached people who haven't read the series but find the theory relatable. Now, the conversation has grown and branched out, including discussions about self-care and how you can stop deferring joy.
What is the psychology behind the lavender soap theory?
There are two overlapping ideas in the lavender soap theory. Both resonate widely with the general public: delayed gratification and mortality awareness.
Delayed gratification is when you resist an immediate reward for a bigger reward later. Delaying gratification, or instant dopamine, can be healthy and have positive outcomes. Often, it can lead to academic achievement, better health, or financial independence.
But a person’s willingness to delay a reward depends on trust. People are less willing to wait for a future payoff when they’re not confident that it will actually arrive. But with the lavender soap example, the payoff date is TBD, and there’s only a vague sense that now isn’t the right time.
Mortality awareness is the second idea. Memento mori, or “memento more”, which is Latin for “remember you must die”, also reminds us to be aware of our mortality. Sometimes we experience brief, rather unsettling reminders of death. These disconcerting moments tend to make you cling more tightly to your routines and possessions.
But deliberate and sustained reflection on mortality is healthy and allows us to shift our priorities. When you process your mortality, you'll find that you want to focus on important relationships and find meaning in your life.
The lavender soap theory is an effective pop psychology tool that can encourage you to reflect. What do you want in life, and how can you bring pleasure to your everyday? How are you deferring joy, why are you doing it, and how can you stop?
Why do I avoid or defer joy?
Delayed life syndrome, syndrome of delayed life, postponed life syndrome, deferred joy syndrome, or deferred gratification are all terms to describe a long-running pattern of deferring joy.
Someone who avoids or defers joy might spend their whole life believing that the life worth enjoying hasn’t started yet. You might believe it's logical. You'll wait to start a relationship with someone until your career is a little more established. You're putting off dating until you have your ideal body. You're going to pause your hobbies until life calms down. You're not going to go out until the home improvements are finished.
But then, the benchmark moves, or things never calm down. Suddenly, you don't remember how to participate in your hobby. The person you wanted to date has moved on. You want your body to look a little leaner. And the house, though in better condition, never stopped giving you more projects, and you never got to enjoy your new neighborhood.
It’s not that you're purposefully putting off joy or even understanding your decisions this way. But you just have an itch that right now it's the perfect time, or not yet. It’s just not the day to use the lavender soap!
Delaying gratification can be healthy and can boost you to get things done. For example, you might put off making a specific purchase until your paycheck arrives and you can confirm you have the cash. You might wait to start a movie until your project is finished and emailed off. That's an excellent use of delayed gratification.
The difference between healthy delayed gratification and delayed life syndrome is a specific and reachable reward.
Your paycheck arrives on Friday, and the purchase is specific. But a vague, special occasion where you're allowed to use the lavender soap doesn't have specific guidelines or a decided date. And if you've got ADHD, if the soap isn't out, you're not being reminded about it. The suds will just never come!
What causes someone to defer or avoid joy?
You might have deferred joy syndrome because of your:
perfectionism
unrealistic expectations about what “counts” as a good enough moment
belief that you're not ready or worthy of enjoying life
Don’t treat today like a rehearsal for a better life that is yet to come. It’s possible to learn how to start appreciating life right now.
How can I appreciate life now?
Well, if not now, when? Seriously! If you want to close the gap between the life you’re prepared for and the life you’re actually living, here are some places to start:
Be present in your life.
Practice being present with mindfulness exercises. Pay full attention while you’re eating, walking, or talking to someone. Don’t go through the motions or check out on autopilot.
LPC Jennifer Sims recommends a mindfulness technique called “The candle in the dark room method”.
Instructions: Pick a closet in your house, a bathroom, or essentially any room that gives no light. Push a towel under the door if there is a crack under the door that bears light. Light a candle! (A real one! Maybe one you’ve been saving for a special day.) Now the hard part, focus on the flickering flame- try this for 30 sec, 1 min, 5 min. Again, anytime your thoughts wander, bring yourself back to the flame. Focus on the flame almost as if you are trying to see into the fire. Notice the colors of the structure, and focus on the light until you notice nothing else.”
Build small, deliberate moments into your daily life. This can be as easy as:
enjoying your walk into work
slowing down during a meal
setting aside distractions during a conversation
Don't wait for a milestone to justify enjoying little moments. Try practicing some of LPC Jennifer Sims' mindfulness techniques. After some time, you'll notice you're more present with your body and your surroundings.
Periodically and deliberately reflect on your mortality.
If you want to appreciate life more, borrow from memento mori. Life can end unexpectedly; we're not promised tomorrow. Embracing your mortality is different from dwelling on death; reflection on mortality lets you refocus. What are you saving or putting off, and should you reconsider? Reorient your attention toward what's meaningful to you. Deliberate reflection allows you to practice gratitude, change priorities, and even forgive yourself. You can move on from past failures and deepen your relationships.
In practice, reflecting on mortality might look like focusing on your community or carving out time for entertainment. Wear the "good" collared shirt more frequently or on an otherwise ordinary day. Have honest and vulnerable conversations with your partner. Use the lavender soap.
Can therapy help me overcome the lavender soap theory and start appreciating life more?
Delayed life syndrome and deferred joy syndrome are rarely just about willpower. If you are struggling with vague delayed gratification and deferring joy, you'll benefit from therapy. You might have deeper, limiting beliefs about your self-worth, a fear of failure, or habits learned early in your childhood. These can be difficult to work through without help and support from a therapist.
A licensed therapist can help identify what is actually causing you to delay joy. In therapy, you'll address perfectionism, anxiety, past trauma, or something else. With a Lifebulb therapist, you can build a practical and personalized plan where you make room for joy.
If the lavender soap theory feels relatable and you’re looking to make a change in your life, we’re here to help. Lifebulb’s licensed therapists work with clients to identify these kinds of patterns and can help you start to live a brighter life.
Don’t wait until life has passed you by. Schedule today to see a therapist in the next 7 to 10 days.
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