Dec 21, 2023
When we think of the holidays, we might think of reconnecting with family and friends, laughing over good food, and sharing gifts with the people we love. Very quickly, these thoughts are probably followed by a more realistic picture of the holidays: personal questions, awkward conversations, passive-aggressive comments, and tension so thick you could cut it.
62% of people experience a very or somewhat elevated stress level during the holidays, and only 10% say they don’t experience any stress. There’s a host of reasons to be stressed during the holidays, but chief among them is something we all have: Family.
Families can hold a lot of love, but they can also hold a lot of stress. Relationships affect our overall well-being, and when holiday stress causes increased conflict in your family, your mental health can take a turn for the worse.
(In fact, one study found that spending Christmas with your inlaws can increase the micro bacteria in your gut associated with higher levels of stress and depression.)
At the same time, the holidays have been known to increase life satisfaction and cultivate an overall positive effect. Maybe you don’t always see eye-to-eye with these people, but you still want to make an effort to show your love and reconnect after a year apart.
There are some great tips about how to Manage Holiday Stress. But what if that stress is walking around asking you when you're going to have kids, or why you didn’t wear the Christmas sweater they sent you in the mail?
Managing Christmas family stress is a tricky balance of maintaining your own peace and extending companionship to others around you. Here are our mental health tips for the holidays and steps to limit holiday family drama
Step One: Manage Expectations
We are constantly being shown the ideal story of the holiday season. You drive home with gifts already wrapped, greeted with smiles, and sit down to a nice dinner where you laugh and exchange stories with relatives you haven’t seen in a year or longer. As picturesque as this ideal is, it might not be your reality.
It stings when your holiday is stunted with passive-aggressive comments or low barbs at your successes. The aunt you somehow made up to be nice in your mind is asking you too-personal questions again, and that one uncle is already half a bottle deep and starting to talk about politics.
Managing expectations can be difficult, but it’s important to have a stress-free holiday. Sit and think about what you can honestly expect from your family this year. It may not be the perfect, smiling faces shown to us on TV, and that’s okay.
Expect regression.
Have you ever gone home excited to share all about the exciting things happening in your life, only to find yourself snappish, emotional, or acting immature? You’re not alone.
Holiday regression is a phenomenon found in households across the holiday season. You come back home and fall into old family roles. It’s hard to take your years of adult living back into your childhood bedroom. The stress and family dynamics can make it easy to slip into old, immature habits.
Expect some regression to occur. Be mindful of it and focus on channeling your authentic self.
Be ready to forgive and be forgiven.
People are already stressed around the holidays. They may be dealing with work pressure, financial burdens, or the same fears and anxieties about this year’s family gathering as you. Emotions will be high and nerves ready to snap. Small arguments, quick judgments, and angry outbursts are likely. The best you can do is not take them personally. If you feel hurt by something a family member did or say, address it one-on-one after you’ve both let your emotions cool down. Be ready to forgive them and to be forgiven when needed.
People might not change.
We all want to think our aunt learned her lesson from last year and won’t bring up your cousin’s divorce, and although there’s a chance she might have. . . there’s also a chance she hasn’t. Unless you’ve had experiences that suggest otherwise, go in with the expectation that your family will poke all the same buttons they did last time. This doesn’t mean you have to be on your guard the whole time, but let your previous interactions with them inform how you steer the conversation and the boundaries you set.
Step 2: Prepare
Going into the holidays when you’re dealing with difficult family members without a plan can result in emotional outlashes and burning yourself out. At this point, you know you’re going to be stressed and presented with situations that are less than comfortable. How will you deal with them? Having a game plan can keep your interactions with your family healthy and positive.
Here are some things to think about before your holiday season:
What are your triggers?
Know what topics of conversation or jokes make you feel angry, anxious, or sad. When you catch yourself feeling these things, take some time alone to recenter yourself.
What are your “No thanks” topics?
You don’t have to engage in every conversation topic your family brings up. Come up with a list of things you will not be addressing during the holiday season and a phrase that you can use to gently remove yourself from the conversation. For example, if your differing religious views are a “no thanks” topic with your parents, if they bring it up you can reply with a calm “Based on previous experiences, this conversation is not conducive to our enjoyment of each other’s presence. Let’s talk about something else.” If they press the issue, remove yourself from the situation.
What are safe activities you can engage in?
A great way to keep conversations from turning uncomfortable is to preplan some activities that you will all enjoy. Maybe it’s a movie, a game night, or crafting. Try to get some one-on-one time with the people close to you doing something you’ll both enjoy.
What are your values?
Boundaries are always important, but especially when you’re dealing with a difficult family during the holiday. Come up with a short list of the values you will not budge on. If your family inadvertently asks you to cross one of these values at any time, use your “no thanks” lines to gently remove yourself from the situation.
Step 3: Act
You’re going into the holidays with clear expectations and are armed with your values, boundaries, and knowledge of your triggers. Now it’s time to put into practice all the skills you’ve been honing. Try to remember that the holidays are supposed to be a joyous time. If you’re not having a good time, stop to ask yourself why and if there’s anything you can do to change it. Here are six things to do during the holidays with a difficult family.
Not everything needs to be addressed now.
We all have old fights that were never quite resolved, and it can be tempting to bring them up during the holidays. Remember that everyone else is as stressed as you are, and may react to high emotions with even higher emotions of their own. Fixing bridges and talking through previous hurts is a noble pursuit, and can be great for your long-term relationship, but the holidays might not be the best place to bring up that fight you had with your parents when you left for college. Keep the peace and leave the difficult conversations for a less stressful time.
Control what you can, and let go of what you can’t.
At the end of the day, you can only control your own behavior. What your family does or says is not a reflection of you as a person, only your words and actions are. When tensions rise, take a breath, take a walk, and remember your values, beliefs, and boundaries.
Be mindful of alcohol.
It can be tempting to dull the sharp edge of the family with alcohol. The holidays are full of people drinking to make everything a little merrier. It’s fine if you do, holidays are meant to be enjoyed after all, but be mindful of how much and when you’re drinking. How do you handle your alcohol? Consider finding a buddy to hold you accountable for what you do and say while intoxicated.
Take some me-time.
Family can be demanding of your time, but all of that together time can cause nerves to fray. Take a couple of hours every day to engage in your hobbies, call a close friend to rant about the holiday festivities, or simply relax somewhere out of the perception of others.
Spend time with the people who truly matter.
Depending on how big your family is, you might be feeling the pressure to hang out with a lot of people. Take some time to decide who is the most important, and prioritize spending time with them. If your relationship with your sister is more important than that with your cousin, it’s okay to spend more time with her.
Therapy for Family Issues
Holidays are stressful, and holiday family drama can be even more so. Be proud of yourself for striving to take care of yourself and build healthier relationships. We know it’s hard. Take it one step at a time and remember that change happens slowly. This Christmas may not be perfect, but can you make it a little better than last year?
Don’t forget to prioritize hanging out with the people who mean the most to you. Whether they’re family through blood or choice, our social connections are important.
If you want to take your family relationships a step further and actively work on healing, strengthening, and growing the bonds, therapy can help. Therapy for family relationships can be either a group-setting, in which all members of your family sit down together, or individual, where you can work through your identity in relation to your family and understand your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors surrounding them.
Therapy for families and therapy for individuals is a great way to practice the skills talked about in this article. For more information, or to schedule an appointment today, give our team a call.
