May 1, 2025
Emotional manipulation is when one person asserts control over another by manipulating their emotions, thoughts, sense of self, or memory. Common emotional manipulation tactics include gaslighting, guilt tripping, or stonewalling.
Emotional manipulation can happen in ways both big and small. Narcissistic abuse, for example, is rife with emotional manipulation. Other relationships may have small amounts of emotional manipulation on both sides. In these cases, there might not be an overarching goal to gain control or break the other person down. Emotional manipulation can be done without malicious intent, like guilt-tripping your partner into doing the dishes instead of just asking them. In these cases, emotional manipulation tactics are used as an unhealthy defense mechanism or maladaptive coping mechanism. This type of behavior also may have been learned from previously modelled behavior, like if you grew up in a home where weaponized incompetence was common and now believe that’s how a relationship is supposed to work.
It’s important to be aware of emotional manipulation tactics so that you can recognize them in your relationships and take the steps to protect yourself. If you recognize any of these tactics in your own behavior, take a step back and consider why you’re doing what you’re doing. What’s the root cause? Talking to a therapist can help.
What is emotional manipulation?
Emotional manipulation is when someone attempts to assert control over someone by exploiting their emotions. Our emotions are powerful pathways to our behavior and thoughts. If we feel like we are a bad girlfriend or boyfriend, eventually we’ll start to believe that we are a bad partner. This belief— “I’m a bad partner.”— will spiral into maladaptive behaviors in which you bend over backwards for your partner, trying to prove to yourself and them that you are a good partner. In an emotional manipulative relationship, this is exactly what your abuser wants.
Recognizing the signs of emotional manipulation will help protect you from this sort of behavior.
Emotional Manipulation Tactics
These are 5 common emotional manipulation tactics.
- Gaslighting: This manipulation tactic involves making someone doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and reality. Gaslighting can lead to confusion, self-doubt, and a sense of powerlessness in the manipulated individual.
- Love Bombing: Love bombing is when someone showers another person with excessive affection, attention, and compliments in order to manipulate or gain control over them. This manipulation tactic can create a sense of dependency and make it difficult for the person being love bombed to see the manipulator's true intentions.
- Silent Treatment: The silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation where one person ignores or withholds communication from another as a way to exert control or punish them. This tactic can lead to feelings of isolation, rejection, and confusion in the person on the receiving end. Stonewalling is a type of silent treatment, and although it can have harmful effects, the core intent of stonewalling isn’t to harm or control but to escape an uncomfortable situation. This doesn’t make it healthy or right, but special treatment should be given to those who are prone to stonewalling.
- Projection: Projection involves attributing one's own negative thoughts, feelings, or behaviors to someone else. This manipulation tactic can create confusion and self-doubt in the manipulated individual, as they may start to believe the false accusations projected onto them.
- Triangulation: Triangulation is a manipulation tactic where one person involves a third party to manipulate or control a situation or relationship. This can create feelings of insecurity, competition, and mistrust among those involved, leading to emotional distress and conflict.
It can be hard to spot these manipulation tactics at the moment, so let's look at some ways you can know if you are being emotionally manipulated.
How do you know if you are being emotionally manipulated?
A good manipulator will make sure you never know you’re being manipulated; that’s what makes it such a dangerous situation.
However, there are some telltale signs something isn’t right. Trust your gut, make a safety plan, and contact your support system if you recognize any of these signs.
You might be in an emotionally manipulated relationship if:
- You’re constantly getting blamed: You feel like everything is your fault, and your partner refuses to take responsibility for their actions:
- They’re isolating you: You’re slowly being cut off from friends and family, until you’re only surrounded by people they let you see.
- You’re always doubting yourself: Consistent gaslighting can make you feel like you’re going crazy and can’t trust your own mind or emotions. You may start falling back on your partner for decision-making all the time, because you’re convinced whatever decision you make will be wrong.
- Your partner has unpredictable mood swings: They may go from love coming to yelling in the span of a few minutes. The end result is feeling like you’re walking on eggshells when you’re around them and constantly on the lookout for a mood shift.
- You’re guilty and ashamed: Even when you don’t know why, you feel guilty. There’s a constant sense of wrongness in your life, and you’re starting to think the core of it is you. (It’s not. It’s the relationship.)
- You never feel understood: Your partner dismisses your feelings, struggles to empathize with you, or shows little concern for your well-being.
- There’s a power imbalance: Remember that manipulation is about control. In an manipulative relationship, one person will always have the control, and will feel threatened and act out when that control is at risk of slipping.
Recognizing these signs is an important step in protecting yourself from emotional manipulation. Seeking support from a therapist or counselor can empower you to set boundaries, prioritize your mental health, and work towards living your brightest life.
How To Shut Down Emotional Manipulation
To shut down emotional manipulation, stay calm and sure of yourself. The manipulator may increase their manipulative behavior in an attempt to get a rise out of you. Do not respond to any manipulation tactics. If you live with this person or are in a space in which you are alone with them, consider having a safety plan so you can escape if the behavior escalates.
To shut down emotional manipulation:
- Recognize Manipulative Behavior: The first step in shutting down emotional manipulation is to recognize it for what it is. Trust your instincts and pay attention to how certain behaviors make you feel.
- Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries to the manipulator and assertively enforce them. Setting boundaries is essential in protecting your emotional well-being. Make sure you stick with these boundaries consistently.
- Seek Support: If you’ve been in an emotionally manipulative relationship for a while, you may have been isolated from your support group. Reach back out to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist for support and guidance. Talking to someone can provide a fresh perspective and validation of your feelings.
- Refuse to Engage: Avoid reacting emotionally to manipulative tactics. Stay calm and rational when responding to manipulation, and don't engage in arguments or power struggles.
- Use Assertive Communication: Practice assertive communication techniques to express your feelings, needs, and boundaries clearly and confidently. Don’t take the bait and rise to their level of aggression or manipulation.
- Educate Yourself: Learn more about emotional manipulation and manipulation tactics to become better equipped at recognizing and combatting them in your relationships.
- Consider Professional Help: If emotional manipulation persists and significantly impacts your well-being, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance and tools to navigate these challenging dynamics.
Remember, you deserve to be in healthy, respectful relationships where your emotional well-being is valued. By taking proactive steps to recognize and address emotional manipulation, you are prioritizing your mental health and moving towards living your brightest life.
If you are in an emotionally manipulative relationship and need to get out, talk to a Lifebulb therapist. We can help you build a safety plan and help you with recovery and healing.
