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When most people think of relationships, they think of someone you can always rely on to love you, uplift you, care for you, and give you a kind word.
This isn’t the reality of all relationships, however.
When emotional abuse is present in a relationship, whatever love was once between two people becomes soured. Emotional abuse is when one person tries to belittle, threaten, insult, and control the other.
Love cannot thrive in a relationship that has emotional abuse. If you or someone you know is being emotionally abused, reach out for help. Domestic Violence lines are open for emergencies. Talking to a therapist can also help.
Crisis Line: Text CONNECT to 741741
Domestic Abuse Hotline: Text START to 88788 or call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
What Is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse is any behavior or tactic that seeks to insult, hurt, belittle, or humiliate. The ultimate goal of emotional abuse is usually control, and the perpetrator will get that control through instilling fear in their victim.
Emotional abuse isn’t always recognizable. Many abusers will use manipulation tactics to keep their victims close to them. Some of these forms of manipulation and abuse are subtle.
Trying to love an abuser through their “flaws” (which is really just abuse) is one tactic many abusers will encourage to keep their victim in their grasp. Methods like love bombing and playing the victim are common.
Examples of Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse will look different in every relationship. One person’s experience with it will be different from others. However, some common examples of emotional abuse include:
- Constant criticism, insults, or name-calling
- Gaslighting or denying your reality and feelings
- Manipulation through guilt, shame, or fear
- Blaming you for the abuser’s behavior or emotions
- Silent treatment or emotional withdrawal as punishment
- Humiliation or embarrassment, especially in front of others
- Monitoring your actions
- Limiting independence
- Minimizing, dismissing, or mocking your emotions
- Threats of breaking up
- Excessive jealousy or possessiveness
- Withholding affection, support, or approval
- Making you feel responsible for keeping the peace
- Rewriting past events to avoid accountability
- Undermining your confidence or self-worth
Remember that the goal of emotional abuse is to have control. They may try to control your finances, time, energy, emotions, or attention. When you stop giving them control over these things, their abusive behaviors may escalate.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
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The other way you can recognize emotional abuse is by the impact it leaves on a person. If you recognize these signs in yourself or someone you love, check in with them (or yourself). These are signs that someone is being emotionally abused:
- Chronic self-doubt or second-guessing yourself
- Feeling anxious, fearful, or on edge around the other person
- Low self-esteem or feeling “not good enough.”
- Emotional numbness or shutting down feelings
- Persistent guilt or shame, even when you’ve done nothing wrong
- Confusion about what is real or true (gaslighting effects)
- Fear of speaking up or expressing needs
- Feeling responsible for the other person’s emotions
- Increased anxiety or depressive symptoms
- Loss of confidence in decision-making
- Feeling isolated or disconnected from others
- Hypervigilance or constantly trying to avoid conflict
From the outside, this might look like:
- Withdrawing from friends and family
- Losing their joy or energy
- Acting like a different person
- Always asking their partner for permission
- Very low self-esteem
- Constantly apologizing
These are just some signs that someone may be emotionally abused. If you notice changes in someone’s demeanor, check in with them. Maybe they’re just going through a stressful time, but it could be that there is someone dangerous in their life. Checking in with them never hurts.
Emotional Abuse Check-List
This checklist cannot encompass everything emotional abuse entails or can do to a person, but it can be a starting point if you think you are a victim of emotional abuse.
Read through this list. Check all the items that apply to you.
I feel anxious, afraid, or on edge around this person.- I regularly doubt my memory, feelings, or perception of reality.
- I am criticized, belittled, or mocked (privately or publicly).
- My feelings are dismissed, minimized, or invalidated.
- I feel responsible for managing the other person’s emotions.
- I avoid speaking up to prevent conflict or punishment.
- I feel guilty or ashamed without knowing why.
- I am blamed for problems that aren’t my fault.
- I feel isolated from friends, family, or support systems.
- I feel like I’m “walking on eggshells”.
- My needs, boundaries, or opinions are ignored or controlled.
- I feel emotionally exhausted or numb in the relationship.
- My friends or family are concerned about me.
- I feel like I have to ask permission to go out and do things on my own or buy something.
- I don’t do the things that used to bring me joy anymore.
- I don’t feel like myself anymore.
- I don’t feel like I’m ever good enough.
- I feel the need to drink more or use drugs to feel calm.
It can be hard to be partial to your own relationship. It can help a trusted loved one read through this list. Make sure it’s someone you know will have your best interests in mind, and isn’t afraid to tell you the hard things you need to hear. They should be someone who will always place love first.
What To Do If You Think You’re Being Emotionally Abused
Emotional abuse is a form of trauma and can stay with us long after we’ve escaped the abusive relationship. Therapy for trauma and support groups can help you heal.
First, you have to get out of the abusive relationship. This can feel terrifying —your partner has likely used every manipulation method possible to bind you to them. You might even truly love, or feel like you need them, or can’t imagine your life without them.
Take a deep breath. We’ll do this together.
- Tell someone. Talk to someone you trust. This could be a friend, family member, teacher, mentor, therapist, or anyone else. Tell someone that you know will never betray your trust in what you are going through.
- Make a safety plan. Some abusers will escalate their behavior if they feel you pulling away from them. In extreme situations, this can escalate into physical abuse. Make a plan with someone you trust. Tell them when you’re going to leave (or break up with your partner), so that they can be ready to take you somewhere safe.
- Make an emergency escape plan. For many people, it’s not as easy as just leaving. You’ve built a life with this person, and you have pets, kids, or mutual finances with them. While you’re working on untangling your life from theirs, have an emergency escape plan. This could be money that you’ve stored away, a friend who can house you and your kids or pets if you need to run, or a shelter that you know you can get into. This is a worst-case scenario, but knowing what you’ll do in an emergency is important.
- Leave them. Serve them the divorce papers, tell them you’re breaking up with them, or just leave—whatever you have to do, get out of the relationship. Put distance between yourselves if you can. An emotionally abusive person may try to pull you back to them, so be prepared to resist their advances.
- Work on healing. Emotional abuse can leave hidden scars. It will take time to rebuild your self-esteem, passion, life, and joy again. But eventually, it will come back.
If you need someone to talk to, or if you’re ready to start healing from emotional abuse, reach out to Lifebulb Counseling. We have trauma therapists with experience in treating emotional abuse victims who have open availability. We accept most major insurances and have little to no wait times.
You deserve love that doesn’t hurt. Contact a therapist today.
