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Heartbreak is hard. Studies show that the pain of breaking up lights up the physical pain responders in our brain. Breaking up really, really hurts.
One common method to cure heartbreak after a breakup is rebound relationships.
A rebound relationship is a relationship you pursue to help you get over your ex. It might be a purely physical one, a situationship, or a long-term, committed one. The success of rebound relationships is a mixed bag. Some people swear by them, and others point out their many pitfalls.
Is a rebound relationship a red flag? What do you do if you find yourself in one?
What Is a Rebound Relationship?
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It can take anywhere from 3 months to 2 years to recover from a bad heartbreak, even if the breakup was mutual or your decision. For some people, it can be much longer.
Many people speed up this process by immediately jumping into their next relationship, a rebound relationship.
The purpose of a rebound relationship is complicated. Some reasons for getting into tone:
- To improve your self-esteem after a breakup.
- To “get back out there” and practice dating.
- To feel good about yourself again, to feel hot or desired, possibly after a long time of not feeling that way.
- To kill any remaining feelings you have about your ex, to “get over” them.
- To prioritize fun and spontaneity in a relationship after a bout of long-term, committed relationships.
- To heal from a toxic relationship
- To avoid feeling the pain of their breakup.
- To fill the void (emotional, spatial, and temporal) that their ex left.
- To enact revenge or try to make the ex jealous.
People get into rebound relationships for all kinds of reasons, ranging from manipulative and nefarious to attachment issues or simple desire.
If you are in a rebound relationship or want to be in one, ask yourself why. What purpose will this relationship serve? Are you running from something or searching for something?
Signs of a Rebound Relationship
A rebound relationship might be like a situationship. Or it might be a one-night stand. It could even turn into a long-term relationship. The length of the relationship and even the boundaries of it don’t make a rebound relationship a rebound. Here are some concrete signs of a rebound relationship:
- The relationship begins very soon after a breakup or divorce.
- You’re still emotionally attached to an ex.
- You compare your current partner to your ex, even if you never say it out loud.
- The relationship moves very fast emotionally or physically.
- There’s intense chemistry but little emotional depth or vulnerability.
- You feel loneliness, grief, or pain when you’re not with them, because you’re using them to avoid those feelings.
- There’s a strong fear of being alone when the relationship is threatened.
- You have difficulty talking about the future, because you always imagined your future with your ex.
- You’re emotionally unavailable at times.
- The relationship feels distracting rather than healing.
- It’s an “on and off again” type of relationship.
- You feel a pressure to “prove” happiness to others (or to an ex).
- The relationship ends abruptly once emotional numbness fades.
- Personal growth or self-reflection is avoided or postponed.
- Feelings of emptiness or unresolved grief appear despite being partnered.
If you think your current partner might be using you as a rebound, look for signs of excessive clinginess right from the get-go. They might seem really into you right away or push to progress the relationship quickly. They also might be emotionally unavailable, fixated on their ex, or try to “show you off” to show how happy they still are.
How Long Do Rebound Relationships Last?
Most research points towards a rebound relationship lasting between 4-6 months, with some rebound relationships lasting a year. Around 90% of rebounds don’t last. People who are in rebound relationships aren’t looking for love; they’re looking to escape the pain. Once the pain bites, they no longer have a need for their rebound partner.
Are Rebound Relationships a Bad Thing?
Does all this make rebound relationships a bad thing?
Not necessarily.
Similar to any relationship pattern, it’s only a bad thing if you don’t communicate with your partner. Being used to fill an emotional void is not something anyone wants to do. It can feel like being led on.
On the other hand, a short, no-strings-attached romantic trust can be fun so long as everyone is on board.
Here are some red flags of a rebound relationship:
- You don’t tell your current partner that you’re rebounding.
- You lead them on.
- You avoid feeling your grief and other emotions about the breakup.
- You have an “on again, off again” type of relationship.
- You don’t respect them, just want to use them.
If you aren’t communicating and aren’t allowing yourself space to heal, then the rebound relationship probably isn’t healthy.
Read about more red flags in a relationship here.
But if you’re both on the same page and are allowing room to explore your emotions and personal identity, then a rebound relationship could be a safe space to heal from a breakup.
What to Do if You Find Yourself in a Rebound Relationship
Maybe you didn’t mean to. Maybe you’re the one being used as a rebound. Either way, you’ve realized you’re in a rebound relationship. What now?
- Communicate. Label the relationship for what it is: a rebound relationship. Then, tell your partner how that makes you feel. (We know, it’s cliché. But it’s important! Are you feeling angry, sad, or betrayed? Do you not care? Where were you hoping the relationship would go, and where do you want it to go now?)
- Redefine the relationship boundaries. How long do you plan on being together? Are you allowed to see other people? When do you cut it off?
Need to work on your boundaries? Read this guide to healthy boundaries in a relationship.
- Keep working on yourself. Why did you feel the need to get into this rebound relationship in the first place? How do you feel about your ex? How do you feel about yourself? What can you do to keep improving how you feel about yourself and your relationships (both past and present)?
- Build each other up. One of the positives of a rebound relationship is how it can improve our self-esteem. It’s nice to feel wanted, desired, and loved. If you are both okay with the boundaries of the relationship being what they are, then lean into that! Stoke each other’s egos and build up each other’s self-confidence.
We also recommend you talk to a therapist. A rebound relationship isn’t necessarily a red flag, but if they are commonplace or take the place of building real, meaningful relationships, then it could become a problem.
Insecure attachment styles, relationship trauma, and other mental health issues could be lurking under the surface of a rebound relationship. Talking to a therapist will ensure your next relationship is a healthy one, without all the baggage of your previous history.
